Adoption on a stepchild who has never met her biodad

[Mrs_Tessmer22]

Hi my names Catie I have two little girls my first child was born to just me I was a single mom for two years and she never met her biodad because he decided to leave the picture I was also just 19 at the time I am 22 now but my parents were really supportive and helped me out with a lot and basically helped me raise my child all this time. Then when my first daughter was about 2 1/2 I met my husband and told him that I would like it if he would adopt my child as his own and he agreed to that then we got married I also was pregnant while engaged and then had my second child with him. And just recently with life being so busy we finally have gone through an adoption process that they told me would take until this summer to be finalized if we are on top of things. I am just wondering for guidance and advice because my first daughter Ocean is 3 now and has never met her bio dad and I want to know if other people have done this gone through adoptions with their spouses and I really want to hide that she has been adopted but my husband and I always get in arguments over this it's overwhelming and stressful and he says that it would be sinning to lie to my daughter our daughter because I want to hide it until she is 20 that he isn't her real daddy because she calls him daddy and loves him to death and I don't want to crush her through the teen years having her say to him well your not my real dad I am not going to listen to you and I don't know I am also new to being married we will be married for just a year on March 12th please advice help someone tell me how and if they have gone through this I am so eager to hear advice because I want to do the right thing for Ocean my three year old and I don't want Pearl my 5 month old to grow up and think less of her sister also I don't know I am young and worry about everything and in school I don't want one of my daughters to get teased just because he's being a stubborn jerk help help help!!

 

[N8VFlower]

This is just my opinion, but don't hide that she was adopted. It was hidden from me that I was adopted and my family hoped I would not find out, but I did and I felt betrayed. I was hurt for years. Don't allow yourself to believe that she will feel like less of a sister or daughter because she was adopted. It takes a very special man/woman to love a child that is not theirs by blood. Just because she won't share the same father bio wise, means nothing. A family is love, not always blood.
My advice would be for one, pray and ask God what would best fit for your family and 2, don't hide it. When she gets old enuff to understand, tell her the truth. She has a right to know. I love my mom that adopted me, and I forgive her, but it still hurts that my adoption was hidden from me.
Oh..and as for worry...don't worry...trust in God. Worry is stressing about the unknown...and not of God..Trust God to guide you and give you wisdom with your kids. Worrying will not help anything, it will stress you out over nothing.
God bless and welcome to the forum!

 

[Mrs_Tessmer22]

Omgosh god bless you thank you for the insight thank you for responding to my thread and telling me what you went through I appreciate you sharing your experience it really gave me a clear view of what to do and I will continue praying over Ocean and he is a very special man to accept me with child when we first met but I was also in bible classes and had a very good older wise best friend and we would pray with every date I would go on and when I went on a date with my husband now I prayed a lot before asking god that if this is not the man for me or my daughter as a father that he be taken from me even if it hurts he wasn't and now through the grace and love of god we are married and have two daughters a baby and a three year old thank you for telling me not to worry and to just pray I will continue to always seek god no matter what challenges come my way and thanks for welcoming to the sight I love this place I just recently moved to a small town so I am friendless here but I have my family that lives here so it's alright and I will just tell my daughter when she is of right age to understand that she is adopted but that he will always be her father because he raised her and loved her from the start well have a great day much love Catie !!

 

[californiasun]

its best not to lie or hide this from the child, it is not anything to be ashamed of as far as she is concerned so please do not make this a stigma. you might also want to seek some form of adoption counseling, i am sure this is a very common question amongst parents who encounter the situation. best wishes

 

[N8VFlower]

your welcome..I just know how i felt when I learned that I was adopted. the part that hurt was them trying to hide it. she is young now, but later she may have questions. just be honest with her as things come up.

and speaking of adoption...wow...something odd happen to me today. long story short..my little bro ran into the guy who adopted me's cousin today. i have not spoken to my adopted dad in 30 years. this was just weird to me..so wondering what will happen next. anyway....just be honest and trust God to lead you in this.
Oh I forgot to tell you..your daughters have such beautiful names!
God bless!

 

[Mrs_Tessmer22]

Thank you California Sun and yeah I will probably seek some adoption counseling with my husband . And thanks again N8VFlower I will remind her of the good things when things come up not for a while though lol . And yeah it does sound like it could be painful but family is love not always blood thanks I really liked that and that is weird gods up to something with that and not talking to your adopted father best wishes to you to thanks so much for all the insight and help I feel so relieved now and I will continue praying for both my girls and husband and thanks about their names I am really into the sea life lol :shade: take care much love, Cate!!

 

[Rev T.S.Perkins]

these days adoption is not the label of the unwanted any more ..Through Christ we all are adopted children ..share this with the child she is grafted in just AS WE ARE..i have 3 half iranian step children (i dont like to use that term ) whos dad abandond them and thier mom when they were young .Ive been in thier lives and watched them grow for 17 yrs now and belive me when i say that the day will come when that child will want to seek out its BIO DAD.. you cant stop that and if you try it will do great damage . in the mean time love and exceptance is the key ..and bless the dad who adopts and gives his name for that child ..mine did not want me to adpot them but i did offer..they felt that their dads name was all they had left of him..sad but true and his loss my gain they are well adjusted and sucessful now ..i pray God grant you all the happiness my father in heaven has for you and this family..widom is yours in Jesus name ..Rev

 

[Mrs_Tessmer22]

Thank you Rev T.S.Perkins sorry it took me forever to reply. I really liked what you had to say also about adoption is not the label of unwanted and god bless you with your 3 children. That is so amazing that you have cared and loved them for all these 17 years and continuing raising children is tough I am learning each and everyday as I go but it's so rewarding watching them grow as you must feel now that they are a bit older. I have little ones right now and I just love them to pieces and can't wait to see what they grow up to become :shade:. I also will wait like you said stopping that child from seeking their bio dad will hurt them so we will just see how she feels about it when she is older. I also wanted to say that is really touching that they felt that was all they had left of their bio dad that's how I think Ocean might feel so I will continue praying if god wants it to happen he will let the adoption go through if not he won't because I don't want her to tell me later that she would of liked to make the decision herself. Because I had a friend who lived in my old apartment when I was a single mom, and she told me once her daughter turned 18 she changed her last name to her moms because her daughter had no contact or relationship with her bio dad so she decided that's what was best for herself. My husband didn't know his mother either and just recently she got into contact with him and they have slowly been catching up on the phone. I just wanted to thank you for the prayer, sharing your story and kind words it means a lot to me god bless you and your family as well much love Catie

 

[Cherokee]

Adoption

My oldest son was also adopted by my 2nd husband. He was 3 at the time of the adoption. My 2nd husband was good with (my/our) son and eventually came to me & asked if he could adopt him, I told him I would think about it, but in a month the proceedures were takin place. I am here to tell you that he was the best father any child could have asked for. He truly loved my 1st born son just as much as he loved the child we had together. We were together 14 yrs. and to this day he is still a great dad. That same son when he grew up, went to siminary school for three yrs. and took 4 yrs. of college after that and is now a preacher in Connecticut. He always knew that he was adopted, we bought lots of childrens books on adoption & told him how special he was. He loved it! He told everyone he met that he was adopted. He would even walk through grocery store & look at strangers & tell them he was adopted. He thought it was the greatest thing. My honest opinion, is to always be truthful to the children about their adoption, it pays in the end. They will take it great as a small child, but when they are older, they are gonna ask why they were lied to. My ex also thought he should be told the truth when young, I was reluctant on telling him till he got older or never. Ever so glad now that I went w/his adopted dads plan. And our son has thanked us both for that truthfulness now that he is older, as there are no issues, he just grew up & knew the truth and has to face nothing about that now. Don't know if my story helped or not, but I was once in your shoes, reluctant to tell my child, but now, so glad I did.

 

[Cherokee]

Also

Also my son knows his biological dad. But he found out himself the person he is, and he found that out on his own, (we never downed his bio dad in front of him EVER, EVER, EVER!) But even though he still sees his bio dad, he has come to me & told me many times over, that his adopted dad will always be his real dad. So yes, if your husband pours into and really loves that child, he will still be the "REAL DAD" in the end.