Hi,
@fallen
2/14/19 will be 19 years since I had my first episode. I was originally diagnosed with psychosis NOS, until I continued to be hospitalized, soon thereafter and to this day it is a diagnosis of schizophrenia. I have found with a doctor's help a med
combination that I feel is pretty much a fail-safe. Geodon and Abilify. I can be off my meds for no more than 1.5years it seems and then a major psychotic episode happens. I was first put on those 2 meds in 12/2006, after another major episode. I pretty much stayed on them until about 2014, when I went off of them for 1.5 years. In 2015 August and December I had major episodes, Dramamine and a UTI were precipitating factors, plus time off of meds. I ended up in a hospital in Puerto Rico for almost 1 week that August and still didn't go back on my meds. Dec 15,2015 brought me to another major episode and I was in the hospital for 1 month 2 weeks. Both of those 2 episodes were different than past ones. Although they were the strongest, I recovered mentally from the ordeals much faster and didn't have as much fear, especially with the one in Dec. I started writing Christian poetry in the hospital and I do to this day. I haven't asked the Lord to take my illness away, because at times I crave the mentality that it brings, plus my episodes draw me closer to Christ as I've often said since first diagnosed. I do not feel like I am possessed or anything, and don't think that I could be, as I am a born again Christian.
I guess for a while I did wonder at my spiritual state, but it is no different than having diabetes or something like that. Although I do believe there are people who can be possessed by evil spirits.
When I said earlier about craving the mentality, it is a little hard to explain, there is the humbling, which I so need and always seem to get during an episode. Then there is the stepping out of my life for a little while that it brings. I crave simplicity of living, I want to be tested and searched. So often I get discouraged with fighting to live in this worldly world and I want out. Episodes remind me of the sanctity of life, how delicate these human bodies are and I find myself drawing even closer to Christ. He reminds me that "the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few."(Luke 10:2). So I stay, and I write, and I live, and I love. And I cry, and I ask the Lord to help me love more. I have asked Him to take my eyes before, so that I only know people by touch, or hearing. I only want to see with love, and I don't want to live in fear. I used to live in fear at the beginning of my mental illness, now I challenge it. "Bring whatever you want on!"
In the hospital that December 15th, they wanted to draw blood. I shouted, "you give, I give!" doesn't seem to be a bad request does it? I ended up getting an injection of sedative. They got the blood anyway. I can remember 95% of my episodes which gives me a type of PTSD. If the wind blows a certain way that makes a whistling sound it reminds me of an earlier episode. If I hear a small engine plane in the sky with its mournful sound, I remember when I first heard it during an episode. When the fridge cycles on and off, it reminds me of past episodes. So, each day brings memories, because a psychotic episode has thousands of thoughts and feelings in a small space of time.
I look back, and kind of chuckle and say, "Lord, I don't know how you will turn that into good, but I know you will, and I praise you!" I will be the fool for Him, and I say that in a good way. There's nothing this life can throw at me that He can't get me
through. Let them wonder. But I get a little sensitive each year as my anniversary draws close, I feel like I want to go off my meds right now but am caring for my mom who is on hospice. Plus it is very traumatizing for my husband who has always been very supportive of me. But in the illness is the stillness. How can that be? That is how I can be still and know that He is God, otherwise, I have a hard time being still. Yes, even with a thousand thoughts there are those sweet moments of Him When my heart feels like it has stopped and He reaches in and gives me courage.
Well, those are some of my thoughts regarding mental illness, I hope I have not overstepped my bounds as a newbie. I will leave you with a poem I wrote after reading an article on mental illness.
What Defines Us?
Lord, despite my given
Illness named
Of schizophrenic
Paranoid, untamed;
Greatly have
You given to me
Some words to pen,
A cause to plea.
I have a heart, Lord,
For those broken, those down.
I’ve penned some words
Of small renown.
Daily,
You give increase.
You move my hands,
Move my feet.
I hide on a plane
Between two worlds.
My illness, the Spirit,
The two they twirl.
Now it comes
Time for proving.
Spirit slowly
Begins its moving.
Stepping out
In faith abounding.
Your words, my heart,
By pen resounding.
There is no limit
To us in Jesus.
We’ll move mountains
When we see this.
I am not too long
Earthly bound.
Yet, I will trumpet,
I will sound!
For it is my heart
With Your wings that pens.
On the winds of love
Your Spirit sends.
To all who look
Far and near
For words, for love,
To be without fear.
I am your child,
A child of the living God.
Some they see me
Often as odd.
I can only listen,
Throw in an occasional nod.
For if I listened to them
Versus my heart,
I could easily lose
What Thou hast start.
So important
An affirmation is!
Toward faith and truth,
The God that lives!
So, to those who live
In minds confusing,
He loves you, you know
And He is using
This time here
To manifest.
In others proving,
In others He tests.
So take your mind
Off faults deceiving.
Instead look to Him,
Please start seeing
The hope in you
The hope He is freeing!
©KLG
Scripture References:
1Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, for as much as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
Romans 9:26 And it shall come to pass, that in the place where it was said unto them, Ye are not my people; there shall they be called the children of the living God.
