Biblical Dating

[Chad]

Biblical Dating
OK. Let's take care of some basic definitions. We may define biblical dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. That begins (maybe) with the man approaching and going through the woman's father or family;
2. that is conducted under the authority of the woman's father or family or church; and
3. that always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.

The Scriptural support for the idea of biblical dating is largely by example and implication. We will look at a number of passages over the course of our discussions that support various aspects of biblical dating, but for the moment, let me just give you some references to study:

• I Corinthians 6:9-7:19 (command to be pure, seriousness of sexual sin and instructions regarding marriage)
• I Thessalonians 4:1-8 (do not wrong or defraud one another in relationships — by implying a relationship or commitment by your words or conduct that does not actually exist)
• Song of Solomon 2:7 ("do not awaken love before it pleases" — i.e. before the proper time, meaning marriage)
• Proverbs 6:20-7:27 (warning to avoid sexual sin and foolish relationships)
• James 1:13-15 (temptation is from Satan and to be taken very seriously)
• Romans 13:8-14 (love others, work for their soul's good; don't look to please self)
• Romans 14:1-15:7 (favor others, not self ... value what's good to their souls)
• I Timothy 5:1-2 (treat single women as sisters in Christ, with absolute purity)
• Titus 2:1-8 (young men and women should focus on self-control/godliness)
• John 14:15 (if you love Christ, you will obey His commands — read: above your own desires — and live biblically)

Again, we'll talk more about these and other passages as we deal with specific questions.

Modern Dating
We may basically define modern dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. that begins with either the man or the woman initiating with the other;
2. that is conducted outside the formal oversight or authority of either person's family or church; and
3. that may or may not have marriage as its goal and is often purely "recreational" or "educational."

Now, the biblical support for the modern approach to dating ... (insert crickets, tumbleweeds, person whistling here).... That was it. There isn't any. The very idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn't even appear in Scripture unless it is described as illicit (sinful). Furthermore, it doesn't even appear in any society, western or otherwise, in any systematic way until the 20th century! While the principles supporting biblical dating have their beginnings with the very structure of the family, modern dating has its origins with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, and yet, seemingly, it is all we know.

Differences Between Modern Dating and Biblical Dating
So what's the real difference? Here are some fundamentals:
Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person's life before marriage. In fact, it advocates "playing the field" in order to determine "what one wants" in a mate. Biblical dating has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex ... your spouse.

Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional "wiring" or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complimentarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family).

Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.

Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.

Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will "meet all my needs and desires," and a bad one won't — it's essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical dating approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God.

Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical dating assumes NO physical intimacy, and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage.

Modern Dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical dating assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.

Basically, we can make three general statements about modern dating vs. biblical dating in terms of their respective philosophies:

1. Modern dating seems to be about "finding" the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on this site); biblical dating is more about "being" the right person to serve my future spouse's needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.
2. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical dating, commitment precedes intimacy.
3. The modern dating approach tells us that the way to figure out whether I want to marry someone is to act like we are married. If we like it, we make it official. If we don't, then we go through something emotionally — and probably physically — like a divorce. In biblical dating, Scripture guides us as to how to find a mate and marry, and the Bible teaches, among other things, that we should act in such a way so as not to imply a marriage-level commitment until that commitment exists before the Lord.

That's it. That's a basic framework for biblical dating as best I can discern it from the principles of God's word. Now, you're on. No question is too broad or too specific, too theoretical, too theological, or too practical. Agree with what I've said, or challenge it. This is how iron sharpens iron.
Just remember one thing: we're in this together — for His Glory.

Article By: Biblical Dating: An Introduction

 

[CrazyForChrist]

This is a quite tricky thing you have here Chad. There are pros and cons to both sides. One thing we have to remeber about biblical dating is that the bible itself and biblical dating is based on alot of the culture of that time period. Woman were not equal to men in most peoples eyes of that day(socially). That pretty much wraps up all the reasons why there was no private dating or things like that. But my point is, if you take out the culture part of biblical dating and keep the good morals, you have it perfect. Pretty much like taking the best of modern dating and biblical dating and put it together. Being arranged a partner by your parents or church is silly! Why would they have any say on your relationship with another? It should be all up to God. He will tell you if someone is right or not for you. The physicall part is also tricky. How far can you go and such. Some people say kissing is bad before marriage. But then how does holding hands or hugging compare? It is probaly all up to the intention behind the action but this is also up to you and God. As long as lust is not in it you SHOULD be find, but dont take my words for definite. Having alone time with this partner is essential. How can you possibly know if this person is right for you if you dont get the time to really know them(this can be hard if there is no alone time, for spending time in groups can be difficult).

So all in all, there is Good in both methods. But its all up to you and your own opinion.

 

[gladstone]

Thanks Chad

Thank you Chad for posting this. It's certainly made interesting reading, and does put relationships into a new perspective.

Whereas I don't think I'd want my parents to arrange a marriage for me as in the Biblical sense, I do listen to them, and would never involve myself with someone they disapproved of, and I would hope that having learnt from them, I could choose someone they would approve of. I respect their views and opinions.

Modern dating is a terribly scary prospect, even more so in America I think, than Britain, and having made the decision that any relationship I enter into now, will be a Christian one, I think any man I meet will have to be a Christian, or willing to think about becoming one, to understand the importance of it. It's hard, but that's the way it's going to be. And from reading all of the above article, it is sensible. If people had stuck to the principles of relationships, I don't think our Western societies would be in the situation that we are today.

 

[spiritpraise]

I found this article very interesting. What I would find more interesting is how is one supposed to follow this "way of dating" when you are older and find yourself single? No parents to consult. Not only that if you are older you will have found yourself in the dating scene, you are probably either are widowed or divorced.( Not getting into the rightness or the wrongness of divorce here), What is an older person to do, who wants to follow godly ways of dating?

 

[Eve]

Hi,

Asking permission from the bride's father is no longer a necessity but a courtessy. Saying this I wouldn't mind my mother being asked permission but my Father well, that's a whole other thread!

Generally, I think the same guidelines should apply to older people as younger, I'm sure it used to be the case even then. The best course is that commitment should preceed intimacy and getting know your partner first, their character, their hopes and their dreams will ultimately be of use in deciding whether you are compatible as a couple or should just stay friends, before you embark on taking it a step further and going into a relationship. When you are older though you have probably sussed this one out for yourself by then!

I feel there is more pressure on young people to enter into sexual relationships too soon. I feel sorry for the young girls out there who are under so much pressure from the media and their boyfriends. Sex images are everywhere you look, even film ratings have changed to my horror!!! mg:

When my daughter was 11 years old she came home from school one day and told me the other kids had been logging on-line to a porn site during their computer class (she goes to a mixed school). With sexual desire and conquest almost animal/preditory like, young girls, especially ones with low self esteem, don't have much of a chance.

I do believe that people should be equally yoked but what if one become a Christian after a civil marraige and the other one doesn't? :icon_question: All I can think to do is pray, pray and pray again!!!

God Bless

Eve

 

[ax d-slayer]

thanx brother Chad for the Post God Bless You

 

[gracious]

awwwwwwwe wonderful post

 

[victorygirl]

Good for you chad

i was so blessed to read your post. i don't think it is addressed enough. Personally i find myself almost afraid of dating, because of my experiences before i got born again. But i also know God is preparing a Godly man for me, and one that will seek biblical guidelines in dating. Not to mention the fact that i believe God is strengthening the fruit of the Spirit in my life....

God bless you....

 

[Chad]

Very nice to see people blessed by this article I found. We need to be careful nowadays. Sex is everywhere and its easy to get caught up in the 'world'. If anyone is interested in online Christian dating sites, I highly recommend eharmony.com. It is not cheap, but there unique one-of-a-kind matching system is well done and really unbeatable. No other matching site has such a system. The rest are just the same, pick n' choose style.

God bless

 

[AudreyNicole]

This is so helpful. I just recently went through a break up. Although I think its more of just a break (many reasons for the break up, mostly my fault). Anyway I've been using this time to build my faith and fix all my mistakes in the relationship and I found a few things on here that really helped me.

Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.
This was one of the greatest problems in our relationship; I never wanted to be with anyone but him and he got annoyed with never being able to be with his friends. So that's one of the biggest things I've been working on- selfishness.

Modern dating seems to be about "finding" the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on this site); biblical dating is more about "being" the right person to serve my future spouse's needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.
This I completely agree with. I was never "looking", my bf was just brought into my life. And I don't believe in "falling" in love, I think its a choice. So instead of trying to find someone to compliment me, I'm choosing to be the one to love my bf.

Anyway thanks for this, it's really helped, and hopefully this break will be over soon so we can really work on bringing God into our relationship.

 

[Quenton]

I am just giving what I believe. So if you read any further you are doing so by your decision so you cannot get mad at me. Just one thought: IF the world is doing it would it not be the clue that isn't Gods will?
I believe the creator provided for us everything we need in life. That includes marriage for those who its own their hearts to become married. If it is own your heart it is a need. As well as a desire.
Matthew 6:33 Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and he will give you all these things.
I think that a need for a helper is more important than pleasing your flesh for it last longer.
I also believe that the kind of love that you're meant to share with your future spouse isn't to be passed around to every attractive person you have a "crush" on.
I also don't think love outside of Gods will can be called love. I think there is a separation between Gods love and the desires our flesh holds.
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD, And He will give you the desires of your heart.
When it speaks of the heart it isn't referring to the one that keeps your flesh alive its referring to your soul.
So why would he focus on pleasing your flesh if he promises to give you the desires that your soul wants.
But you know what I also notice about both those verses they say you have to Seek and Delight yourself in the Lord can you find me one teenager whose in a relationship who daily seeks him?
But we might come back to that.
Songs of Solomon in 2:7 3:5 and 8:4 all tells woman the same thing
"Oh, let me want you, sisters in Jerusalem: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe- and you're ready."
Again I ask can you find me one person who is ready for love? ready means you wouldn't break up with the person your dating.
Did you know we are just over a 50 percent divorce percentage?
I view dating and breakups as a miniature divorce because thats all they seem to lead up to.
Do you know what the Greek word for love the worlds version comes from?
Its phileo which basically was only meant as a friendship love. Sure relationships can come from this word but how this word is now used is also objects. So that is why I don't think we are using this word as it was meant to be used for.
Lets go into the Plan of God
Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message) I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Does this sound like he's telling you I'll have you figure it out as you go? Not to me. It to me says..he has it all planned out!
Psalm 139:16 (NLT) You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
TO me this says he wrote a book on us and now we're choosing to follow that writing or write one ourselves.
James 1:17 “Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens.
There is a verse can't think of where it is at the moment but it says woman are good. So if Genesis says he gave us a helper and James says that helper comes from God can we say His will can be found through the flesh again I ask?
I don't want to go very long with my start so I'll give you my last deal on why I don't believe in dating.
Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.
Proverbs ask who can find?.....speaks for itself
my deal is He never told us to...but he promises us one...so thats why i don't date
Many of us want to look at it from Adam and Eves viewpoint but remember they were adults and God created them perfectly for eachother there is no way that you can tell me that everyone is perfect for eachother. IF you can do share.

 

[Rock4JesusRadio]

i agree with all of you it seems that chad knows what he is talking about and i comend you my bro to be all that god has for you

 

[Brighthouse]

VERY NICE Chad,and all,Influence is what woman have,she should say,I will pay the price with you,that is what a helpmate does,before the man finds his wife,they need to find there calling.Then find your wife who fits your call.Not the other way around to me.Before you buy a car,you see how it fits you,same with a wife. To marry a wife,she should have 3 things. 1.good soil-a Godly family, if you marry a wife with a messy family,you will have a messy future.2 a Godly Mother- because the girl you marry will be like her Mother. 3.make sure the heritage is rich in the Lord,Grandma and grand Father. A woman will not rebel if the husband loves her. We are to love our wife,as Christ loves the Church- eph 5:25-27 submission does not mean slave,it means that the man will protect her,she submits because the husband adores her,loves her,and she submits because the man will protect her,not destroy her. Words matter!! Say only words that uplift,never tear down,and when with your friends,speak only kind of your wife. And I have never married!! LOL But that is what the Holy Spirit has taught me.Hope that encouarges you all!!

 

[Reece]

Someone mentioned Parents or the Church choosing people for them.
Honestly I don't think that is what is being said.

It's sometimes hard for us to see faults in people when we first start liking them, we kind of like to believe they are perfect. Thats why it mentions the parents or the church, or friends helping decide. You're parents are most likely trying to look out for your best interests, and they know you pretty well so they may have a good judge of character for others and could save you the heartache later. Not only that, but family and church should be a huge part of our lives, seeing as we spend much time with them, and will in the future too, and having someone you love not accept someone else is tough.

Not only that, but a few people are probably asking how do you find the right person if you cant have intimacy. Who do we have the most intimacy with? God. God knows us so much better then we know ourselves! Honestly, who should we trust most with putting someone special in our lives then God? God is willing to find us the perfect person, we just have to be willing to follow the steps he laid out for us in the bible. There's a reason it's there.

 

[hollandgirl_15]

I think that it's good to get to know a person. So I think you should definitely spend time together.I do have a boyfriend, I am not allowed to be with him in a bedroom or anything, so I cannot be in my own room either. I don't see him that much, he's American, so I only see him once in half a year. I think it's good that you get time to talk alone, but it's important to be with others too. Me and my boyfriend (when he was here this summer) did stuff together, but also with my sisters and we talked with my dad as well. I think, that if you're sure the person you date is the one (in my case) God can help you to wait. I mean, I am in love, but we don't talk about anything improper because our relationship is founded in God, and he's still our number one.

And I think we will continue focussing on God and finding his will for our lives.

My boyfriend is definitely asking my dad for my hand, I'm sure. And we always kind of try to find out what is right to do. We don't hug in public, only hold hands.

 

[hollandgirl_15]

Not only that, but a few people are probably asking how do you find the right person if you cant have intimacy. Who do we have the most intimacy with? God. God knows us so much better then we know ourselves! Honestly, who should we trust most with putting someone special in our lives then God? God is willing to find us the perfect person, we just have to be willing to follow the steps he laid out for us in the bible. There's a reason it's there.

True. Focus on God. Don't seek for love (that's somewhere in the bible). It will find it's way to you. God is the best matchmaker ever! Do you think that he won't find a good match for you?

I mean.. I have the best guy ever, because I was willing to wait for God. And yeah, I made mistakes, and I am seriously not perfect. But I trusted in God. And many tears have flown, and still flow. Because of the distance. I have been hurt by guys so much. But God heals it and gives you so much more than you expect! Your dreams come true! And there is nothing wrong with making a list or praying for certain qualities in someone. God already knows you're gonna do that, so he's prepared..

 

[swsavedbygrace]

I would agree with that statement.