Boundaries / Christian Dating

[KittyLinda]

Hello everyone. So I want to talk about dating and Christian boundaries.

I think boundaries are not all universal, and they may differ with some Christian couples, but I have been thinking a lot about this lately, especially, because things are going well in my relationship, and I want to keep it that way, and at the same time we both want to honor God in this relationship. My boyfriend and I talked a lot about physical boundaries when we first started dating, and we talked more about them recently, because we are still in the process of learning about each other. He just met my parents this month, and things went well. So I am sure this will bring us even closer.

We are all different and we have different things that may trigger us, or tempt us differently. I did not think much about boundaries, until now. We both know that we must wait until marriage to have sex, because that is a sin, and we both want to honor God. I talked with my bf and some Christian women about these boundaries and things . . . You know things, such as kissing, cuddling, and making out, and if that gets us closer to the very line that we want to stay away from. I learned from my boyfriend that making out could easily trigger him, and I never knew this could effect him this way, so this is something that we want to stay away from now, and it honestly died by itself lately. This also makes me think more about [1 Corinthians 16:20]

Just recently, I was thinking a bit beyond this like having spiritual boundaries !? Some Christian women told me they were never alone by themselves when dating, and I think that is a bit extreme, but a friend found it very unpleasant when I mentioned that we pray together. She said we are not married, and we can't pray as one. She said I should not go to him for emotional support .etc. . . then she confronted me about making boundaries. So I am wondering about this, because I have no idea why she thinks I have not made these boundaries, because I do not feel praying together is crossing a boundary.

We are staying completely pure when we are alone. We actually talked about these boundaries even when we are hanging out in the car, so of course we are being too careful about being alone in a room when watching a movie, or cooking, and I pray when I have thoughts that I do not like. [Psalm 51:10] I can get extra romantic when we are alone. My boyfriend is not too grabby, and he is very respectful, even when I am dressing a bit sexy. I want to be transparent that I am not perfect. [Ephesians 6:10-11], but I am surprised about these expectations, and I want to be openminded, and I have to allow my brothers and sisters to tell me what they think about it. We communicate to each other when we feel tempted. We both are adults and have self-control. There are some things that we both came up against in this relationship, and there are going to be more things that we need to discuss and pray though [Psalm 139:23 ], but I believe our convictions from the Holy Spirit can be different compared to other Christians. I do not feel convicted about visiting each other or praying together, even kissing and cuddling are not things that I feel convicted about them but that is just me. If you want to save that until getting married, then more power to you.

 

[Brad Huber]

If you are dressing sexy, its because you want to attract someone in a physical way, and thats called incitement to sin (wanting to see lust in the ones you want to be interested in you, but also wanting them to be able to control themselves, so that something only happens if you want it too). I consider it selfish to incite someone to sin through lust over the way we dress. You dont have to dress like the amish, but you should avoid tight clothes, tops that show cleavage, and use the littlest amount of makeup needed to cover up blemishes, etc. God made us beautiful without makeup, and using it too much allows who we are to be a lie, which is obviously wrong. Though already married, I dont allow myself to be alone with any woman other than my wife. I dont want to be in a compromising situation to where I have trust myself to not be enticed by someone who wants something to happen, even if they arent up front about it. I am a human, and I got lots of emotions, and am capable of being tempted, so I simply avoid situation that can lead to bad things. You may not be very desirous in minor petting, but you simply dont understand how you might change your mind when emotions are heightened, not to mention not knowing how your partner is reacting emotionally, and how honest you both are as to how lustful you feel when involved in the light petting you describe (hugging, kissing, cuddling).

Lust itself is sin, not just giving into lust. Jesus Himself said so.

 

[KittyLinda]

If you are dressing sexy, its because you want to attract someone in a physical way, and thats called incitement to sin (wanting to see lust in the ones you want to be interested in you, but also wanting them to be able to control themselves, so that something only happens if you want it too). I consider it selfish to incite someone to sin through lust over the way we dress. You dont have to dress like the amish, but you should avoid tight clothes, tops that show cleavage, and use the littlest amount of makeup needed to cover up blemishes, etc. God made us beautiful without makeup, and using it too much allows who we are to be a lie, which is obviously wrong. Though already married, I dont allow myself to be alone with any woman other than my wife. I dont want to be in a compromising situation to where I have trust myself to not be enticed by someone who wants something to happen, even if they arent up front about it. I am a human, and I got lots of emotions, and am capable of being tempted, so I simply avoid situation that can lead to bad things. You may not be very desirous in minor petting, but you simply dont understand how you might change your mind when emotions are heightened, not to mention not knowing how your partner is reacting emotionally, and how honest you both are as to how lustful you feel when involved in the light petting you describe (hugging, kissing, cuddling).

Lust itself is sin, not just giving into lust. Jesus Himself said so.

I completely understand, but sometimes women show no skin, and some men will still have these lustful thoughts. I do not understand why people are concerned more with modesty than their own lust. I am a photographer. I work in a studio with makeup artists, hairdressers, and with women who look attractive, or desire the attraction. I am attracted to both genders, and I can have self-control. Even those men at my work have self-control in this environment, and probably some of them are not even believers. Most true Christian men are not lustful or weak from what I experienced.

What I wear expresses who I am, and it makes me more confident. I usually have a variety of dresses, skirts, and some of them are long, or short. As I said I am not perfect, but what I wear is decent. I sometimes wear long or short sleeveless dresses during church services. That is also my common style. I encountered a pharisaical woman once who gave me that disgusting look, but I am not going to fake it by dressing differently, even at church. I am not legalistic, or religious, and I do not really care much about purity culture within some Christian communities. Everyone has their own opinion of modesty. I have a tattoo. It reminds me of my dark past, but just because it is still on my skin, does not mean I am still walking in the same dark path.

I dress appropriately for the occasion. [ Psalm 45:13-14 , Proverbs 31:25 ] Some of my dresses may have a V or U shape, but most of what I wear cover the knee. I wear these above knee dresses on rare occasions like on a birthday party. I do not see this triggering my boyfriend, and that made me trust him even more, because I know he would have the same self-control when I am not around if he is at work or somewhere else. Also, I do not think I am trying to hide anything by wearing makeup or jewelry. I can’t find anywhere in the bible that attraction is sinful. It's what people do and intend that really matters here.