Crazy Courtship Questions

[HeLovesYou]

Dear fellow TJ believers,

I am seeking counsel from mature believers with scriptural backing if possible.

A few months ago, I met an awesome, godly woman (whom I'll call Janet) online and we began developing a friendship after I met with her dad and received his okay for us to meet. Two weeks ago, I felt led to seek permission from her dad to formally court her for marriage.

During our courtship conversation I told him what I was comfortable telling him about my sexuality. I also assured him that Janet was safe with me and that there was no reason for him to be concerned in this area.

He proceeded to tell me that I must submit to HIV/STD blood tests and give him the results before he would give the courtship his approval.

Then I said that I felt this area was an area that was between me and Janet. I told him that we were just beginning a courtship and that I felt it was too early to take these tests as our hearts are still guarded. I said that when the time was right to talk about sexuality, I would be completely honest and open to her. I also said that when it was the Lord's time to get tested for STD's, I would, and these results would be shared with Janet.

Dad was not happy about my response and said this is a non-negotiable point and that he wouldn't bless a courtship between us until this was complied with.

I tried to negotiate the point and said, against my better judgement, that I would submit to the tests now and share the results with Janet. When she was satisfied with the results she could go tell her dad that he had nothing to be concerned about in this area. (Janet is a 27 year old godly woman and able to make decisions for herself)

He wouldn't budge, he absolutely needs to see the test results with his own eyes!

It should be noted: Janet lives at home, has never been away from home and family, and has deeply desired to have her father's blessing on her relationships. She has requested him to screen potential suitors as he sees fit. She also likes me immensely and respects the fact that I want some things kept private. Needless to say, we have ourselves a quagmire.

Is this an outrageous and unreasonable request?

Is Janet's dad biblically entitled or directed to see the results of my STD tests before granting his permission for a courtship?

Should I sacrifice the principle of keeping privacy on very personal topics between me and Janet for a chance at a lovely marriage?

Should I acquiesce this point to Janet's dad with the concern that this might open the door to other, even crazier demands?

I would really appreciate any guidance on this issue that any of you mature believers might have. Related scripture would be very helpful as well.

Thanks in advance and God bless.

 

[macca]

courtship

In my humble opinion, if Janet is 27 years old; you have done the right thing in asking dad for his permission to court his daughter.
the fact that you don't need his permission to marry her is clear, and any demends he puts on the relationship should be agreed with by Janet.
The requirement of the medical tests is something he has no authority to demand, unless you allow him that.
Technically, you can marry Janet without his permission.
If you and she choose to gert married, then it is up to you two.

 

[Property Of God]

I think the dad just wants his daughter to be in good hands, his heart is worrying him, I think it's okay to go through with the tests and remove all the doubts from his heart, it's better when you're at peace with your in laws, it'll pay off later on, plus Janet will appreciate this like you can never know! She'll develop a huge respect for you, knowing you did it for her.

and you love this girl, you shouldn't let this stand in the way of your happiness, it's only the devil wants to torture you and make you doubt the relationship because he doesn't want you to be happy with a godly woman.

If it's okay, you should do it, no need to argue about it, I mean for all I know, chances are that you may be very healthy, and marry her and be happy!

Go with it brother
God bless!

[Let your] love be sincere (a real thing); hate what is evil [loathe all ungodliness, turn in horror from wickedness], but hold fast to that which is good. Romans 12: 9

Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honor to one another.
Romans 12: 10

Little children, let us not love [merely] in theory or in speech but in deed and in truth (in practice and in sincerity). 1 John 3: 18

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is (springs) from God; and he who loves [his fellowmen] is begotten (born) of God and is coming [progressively] to know and understand God [to perceive and recognize and get a better and clearer knowledge of Him]. 1 John 4: 7

Love does no wrong to one's neighbor [it never hurts anybody]. Therefore love meets all the requirements and is the fulfilling of the Law. Romans 13: 10

Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others]. 1 Peter 4: 8

And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony]. Colossians 3: 14

Only scriptures on unconditional utter love can help you.

 

[Coconut]

I have`nt seen the old english word quagmire used in awhile lol, does romantic notions make thee fane to talk like an englishman?

Okay, now seriously. I`ve known you for awhile now Brother, and you asked me to weigh in on this situation so I will try to oblige.

Its common, and perhaps even regrettably necessary, for couples in courtship today to request STD testing of one another, that would`nt be any cause for concern. Beyond that I am quite concerned, that a 27 year old womans father feels he has the right to demand such a test.

It is, and should be to you, a real red flag, that at your friends age, there are so few apparent boundaries in her relationship with her father, and that she so desires his approval, to the degree that she will allow him to subject any potential mate to his "non negotiable" demands.

You already see the potential for disaster, in asking what happens if you comply with this request, and he decides there is something else he wants. If she is unable to stand up to him now, what happens after you marry her, and he decides he wants to place some other demand on you and/or her?

A person entering into marriage, (as you already must know) should have healthy boundaries with their parents, on either side, or the interference can be such as to undermine the relationship before it even has a chance to go anywheres.

I am sorry to say (and even more so if your friend can read this) but from what you wrote us, its obvious her father has serious control issues, and his daughter needs to decide if she wants a daddy, or a husband. I dont think you have any choice, if you seriously desire to court this lady, but to confront this situation now, because if you dont, you will surely be forced to confront it later on, when the stakes are likely to be much higher.


Mat 19:5 'Therefore a man [greek says human being- so applicable to woman also] shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."

 

[Lion_of_Judah]

What she said..

It is, and should be to you, a real red flag, that at your friends age, there are so few apparent boundaries in her relationship with her father, and that she so desires his approval, to the degree that she will allow him to subject any potential mate to his "non negotiable" demands.

I am sorry to say, but from what you wrote us, its obvious her father has serious control issues.

What she said.. ; )


She sounds so overprotected & sheltered,
she probably can't leave the house without an ankle monitor braclet and a two-way radio..



:b I think I'd keep my options open.

Marco

 

[HeLovesYou]

God Bless you a thousand times Sister Coconut. You are a truly godly woman with counsel that I can feel is from the Spirit of God.

You've helped confirm what many other "real world" counselors have been telling me. Thank you so much. It will be an honor to meet you in Heaven if we don't meet face to face on Earth.

 

[Coconut]

Oh, shall I hang out a shingle now that says 'Unreal counselor'?


Thank you for the blessings Brother...Godspeed to you

 

[HeLovesYou]

Sister Nermeen, Thank you for your response. Your thoughts are well received. Certainly the easy thing to do would have been to submit to Janet's dad. Unfortunately, often times, the Lord doesn't want us to do the easy thing or take the easy way out. In this case I am filled with utter joy that I didn't succumb. The Lord has revealed things to me that could've taken years to realize had I acquiesced to the dad's demands. Disastorous things that would have caused chaos and potential catastrophe in a marriage.

If I wouldn't have listened to the Lord and my godly counsel on this issue, I would be in a world of hurt right now. Instead, I am still strong and healthy in all manners of the word (ie. physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually). Now I can still be of help to Janet, when and if she ever realizes she needs help.

Please pray for Janet to have revelation about what her problems are and what steps she must take to go about fixing them. Her problems are not her fault and she doesn't deserve them, but they are there and must be dealt with before she will ever be completely fulfilled and satisfied in this life. This poor girl knows nothing other than her family and, due to her upbringing, has no ability to be independent as of now.

God bless

 

[Property Of God]

The best advice I can offer to keep praying all the time about it, it's what I do when I'm having feelings for someone and unsure if they're good for me, If God wants you to be together, you simply will be, if not, you lost nothing and you'll meet another woman, God may decide she's wrong for you and save you, and the opposite may just happen, but in all ways, you're going to be just fine.

I'm sure it's not her fault, she's just in love with her family and I can so feel her, I would never go aganist my parents, they're very dear to me, I can break up with a man, but I can't break up with my parents, I owe them more than I can describe and the course of true love never did run smooth, it's not that easy and sometimes you gotta scarifice things, you know? Think of who you can hurt along the way.

It's all up to you at the end, love isn't a feeling, it's a decision, keep praying about it and you'll know what you should do, we're all supporting you brother.