Dating a Non Christian

[MooChristen]

I know that we shouldn't marry non-Christians, and I know that we shouldn't date someone who obviously isn't interested in Christ. But, what if the person you're seeing has a genuine interest in becoming a Christian? We've only gone on one date so far, but weeks before that he started coming to our small group, coming to church, and asking questions. His main problem with converting right now, is that he has made mistakes in his life and is having trouble getting over them. We are having dinner Friday, and he wants to talk about some of his past, and he's even agreed to read the story of the prodigal son so we can discuss it then, as well. I don't feel this is the same as dating someone who isn't interested, but I don't know what, if any, lines should be drawn. We are just casually dating, but I feel he is already getting pretty attached, as am I. Does anyone have any advice??

 

[jari]

His main problem with converting right now, is that he has made mistakes in his life and is having trouble getting over them. We are having dinner Friday, and he wants to talk about some of his past, and he's even agreed to read the story of the prodigal son so we can discuss it then, as well.

Past doesnt matter in Christ Jesus because its a new beginning to all.
:shade:

 

[AudreyNicole]

I know that we shouldn't marry non-Christians, and I know that we shouldn't date someone who obviously isn't interested in Christ. But, what if the person you're seeing has a genuine interest in becoming a Christian? We've only gone on one date so far, but weeks before that he started coming to our small group, coming to church, and asking questions. His main problem with converting right now, is that he has made mistakes in his life and is having trouble getting over them. We are having dinner Friday, and he wants to talk about some of his past, and he's even agreed to read the story of the prodigal son so we can discuss it then, as well. I don't feel this is the same as dating someone who isn't interested, but I don't know what, if any, lines should be drawn. We are just casually dating, but I feel he is already getting pretty attached, as am I. Does anyone have any advice??

lol. I am having the same problem you are... well was. After a year, I have come to the conclusion that what I need to do is wait on God. Being recently saved, He could perhaps use me to help witness to my bf (that's certainly what I want), or He could have something else in mind. All I can do and have been doing is waiting and praying, and I know this is a trial that God is using to strengthen me. Hopefully it'll be over soon and I'll let you know what happens lol.

For you though, here's what I suggest:
- Go church hopping! Its like bar hopping but with Church lol. Find a bunch of churches and go try them all out, together.

- Go out and help serve the community, together.

- Join a fun bible study together.

- Be very *JESUS* for him... let Jesus touch him through you

I think God is knocking on this man's heart and though you shouldn't jump right in, you shouldn't completely leave. I think immersing yourselves together in Christ and His ministry is a good start and see where it goes from there. God will guide it

All the while, continue to pray, go to church, join ministries and bible studies, read your Bible.... grow closer to Christ because... you can't have good relationships with others until you have a good relationship with God.

I've been going through this for a year. If you read some of my blog posts and some of my posts in the women's section, maybe you can find some help from my story.

God Bless you and I'll be praying for you!

In Christ's name,

 

[ArmyWife08]

Hi MooChristen,

I think it is wonderful that your boyfriend has become interested in knowing the Lord.
I think it would be ok that you stayed exactly as you are (casually dating). Of course I do not know him like you do but just be cautious that his ways do not pull you away. Pray about it
I say this from experience. Blessings:angel

 

[Giggles4God]

I would be cautious as Army Wife said. Also, pray for him every day, all day! If he is interested, you need to be lifting him up and interceding for him! Jesus wants him to be His more than you do!

 

[MooChristen]

Thanks so much Audrey for your detailed response! I love details. I have a solid church I'm involved with, so church hopping sounds fun, but not practical. I lead the small group he's been coming to.
Thanks also, ArmyWife! He's actually in the military, so I was glad to see your post. And Jen, I loved the part where you said God wants him to be His more than I do. I hadn't thought of it that way, yet.

 

[Checkered24]

Your situation makes me think of 2 Cor 6:14 (which you probably have in mind as well). "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteous with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"

It sounds like your boyfriend has some belief and is searching and developing his faith! I believe (my opinion) that God would be very pleased that you, as a saved believer, would enter into a relationship with a babe in Christ who is learning and developing in faith!

So I would say you are in a very good position to glorify God by continuing a relationship with him. You are in a great position to help him grow in Christ!

Best of luck!

PS, I was on the other side of this. I was not saved when I met my current fiance. Over time (over the course of a year) she really helped open my mind to Jesus and brought me to a point where I could develop my faith. (I believed in a more passive god before being saved, I was not athiest, but not Christian). Since then, God has given me so many blessings, and Jesus has helped me with so many problems (drinking, anxiety, other things). Having a girlfriend who was deeply faithful, had a strong relationship with the Lord, and was able to discuss and answer questions was very valuable to the development of my own faith! So much so that the Lord now works through me to help her continue the development of her own faith too!

This has been a common theme at our church too. At least 5 of the men at the church are newer in Christ than their spouses (including the Pastor) and were brought to Christ through the Lord working through the women in their lives!

Just be patient with him! He is a new babe in Christ, and will need to walk slowly in the growth of his faith.

Best of luck!!

 

[sojourn4Christ]

"Dating" or "casual dating," while popular in the world, is not on the Lord's approved list of activities. The Lord loves his people and does not want them to get hurt. He says this:

"Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." (1 Cor 7:1,2)

This means exactly what it says e.g. no kissing, hugging, or holding hands, as those actions disrespect his plan and open the door to further temptations (e. g. fornication) and soul bondages. And once you've crossed over to that bondage, you're no longer truly free to make a clear decision about a possible future as husband and wife.

"I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I [Paul was unmarried]. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn." (1 Cor 7:8, 9)

 

[MooChristen]

I think you just assumed a lot. Maybe you should ask questions before jumping in and assuming we've been all over each other. :wink:
Btw, the touching verse is actually referring to touching in regards to marriage, ie, sex. That's why he references fornication. Holding hands is by no means fornication. If you take the verse in context, you will more fully understand the meaning.

 

[sojourn4Christ]

I think you just assumed a lot. Maybe you should ask questions before jumping in and assuming we've been all over each other

I "assumed" nothing; I simply cited God's Word. If that angers you, perhaps you should take it up with him.

Btw, the touching verse [1 Cor 7:1] is actually referring to touching in regards to marriage, ie, sex. That's why he references fornication.

Tell me if Jesus likewise "references fornication" here...

And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched [same Greek word haptomai as 1 Cor 7:1] me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me. (Luke 8:46)

Has the virtue gone out of you, too/two?

Holding hands is by no means fornication.

It's obvious that Jesus in Luke 8:46 was not referencing "hand holding."

Yet, hand-holding between an unmarried man and woman begets the slippery slope...

 

[MooChristen]

Hahahahaha!! Wow. I'm so not even going there. Hope you continue to grow in faith and not religion. I'll be praying for you.

 

[sojourn4Christ]

For most of the world, serial "dating" (hand-holding, hugging, kissing, etc.) is "natural," just as righteousness and honesty have become increasingly "unnatural." Our perception of things is relativistic -- it depends on our own spiritual condition and the way our minds have been trained. We, as bondservants of Christ, ought to be trained by the Word of God and not by the world.

 

[MooChristen]

For most of the world, serial "dating" (hand-holding, hugging, kissing, etc.) is "natural," just as righteousness and honesty have become increasingly "unnatural." Our perception of things is relativistic -- it depends on our own spiritual condition and the way our minds have been trained. We, as bondservants of Christ, ought to be trained by the Word of God and not by the world.

This is where your assumptions are coming in. That is not what I meant at all by casually dating. In fact, I won't let him touch me bc of the uncertainty of his spiritual condition, and bc I value purity, honor, and respect. I used to be a non dater and would argue for courtship every single time. The problem with courtship, is the entire relationship has the expectation of, 'this is definitely the person I will marry' straight from the get go. You cannot know that. And after coming out of a serious courtship, with nothing but empty promises and unused wedding invitations, I know that I cannot guard my heart that way, bc I've been there, and been consumed with, 'yes this is the one for me' even though there were serious faults and incompatibilities, bc I was already committed. Bc I'm such a loyal person, when I commit, there's no turning back, even with warning signs. So casual dating for me, is spending time together, listening to each other, learning each other's personalities, to see if you are even a good fit. I need to have that serious evaluation without the pressure I felt surrounding courtship. So casual dating does NOT mean being physical with a lot of people. It means spending time together to determine if your personalities, goals, value systems, mix well, before you're committed and think you have to compromise and meet everything in the middle. I am not for serial dating, which is what you seem to think I meant.

 

[Checkered24]

This is where your assumptions are coming in. That is not what I meant at all by casually dating. In fact, I won't let him touch me bc of the uncertainty of his spiritual condition, and bc I value purity, honor, and respect. I used to be a non dater and would argue for courtship every single time. The problem with courtship, is the entire relationship has the expectation of, 'this is definitely the person I will marry' straight from the get go. You cannot know that. And after coming out of a serious courtship, with nothing but empty promises and unused wedding invitations, I know that I cannot guard my heart that way, bc I've been there, and been consumed with, 'yes this is the one for me' even though there were serious faults and incompatibilities, bc I was already committed. Bc I'm such a loyal person, when I commit, there's no turning back, even with warning signs. So casual dating for me, is spending time together, listening to each other, learning each other's personalities, to see if you are even a good fit. I need to have that serious evaluation without the pressure I felt surrounding courtship. So casual dating does NOT mean being physical with a lot of people. It means spending time together to determine if your personalities, goals, value systems, mix well, before you're committed and think you have to compromise and meet everything in the middle. I am not for serial dating, which is what you seem to think I meant.

I think this sounds like a fairly good approach. What you consider casual dating sounds like maybe the beginning stages of a courtship, where you will go on dates to learn about each other. Although any courtship has the intent of seeing if the couple is a good match to marry, that does not mean every courtship is expected to end in marriage.

I knew my fiance for almost a year and a half before we went on our first "date" and decided to pursue a serious courtship. We had not dated previously to that. However, we already had high expectations for our relationship, and are now engaged.

 

[MooChristen]

Congratulations on your engagement!
That's how my previous relationship started out, but it ended so badly, I didn't want to do it that way again. The difference between this and courtship is that courtship is geared towards getting to know each other in group settings, this is one on one.

 

[AudreyNicole]

I'm glad I was able to help

Here is a question I asked a few months ago... same thing pretty much. Maybe you can find a few more answers

http://www.talkjesus.com/women/35041-dating-non-believer.html

 

[AudreyNicole]

Your situation makes me think of 2 Cor 6:14 (which you probably have in mind as well). "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteous with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"

It sounds like your boyfriend has some belief and is searching and developing his faith! I believe (my opinion) that God would be very pleased that you, as a saved believer, would enter into a relationship with a babe in Christ who is learning and developing in faith!

So I would say you are in a very good position to glorify God by continuing a relationship with him. You are in a great position to help him grow in Christ!

Best of luck!

PS, I was on the other side of this. I was not saved when I met my current fiance. Over time (over the course of a year) she really helped open my mind to Jesus and brought me to a point where I could develop my faith. (I believed in a more passive god before being saved, I was not athiest, but not Christian). Since then, God has given me so many blessings, and Jesus has helped me with so many problems (drinking, anxiety, other things). Having a girlfriend who was deeply faithful, had a strong relationship with the Lord, and was able to discuss and answer questions was very valuable to the development of my own faith! So much so that the Lord now works through me to help her continue the development of her own faith too!

This has been a common theme at our church too. At least 5 of the men at the church are newer in Christ than their spouses (including the Pastor) and were brought to Christ through the Lord working through the women in their lives!

Just be patient with him! He is a new babe in Christ, and will need to walk slowly in the growth of his faith.

Best of luck!!

I hope you don't mind my interposition MooChristen, but I just wanted to say that this post really helped me!

Checkered24, your testimony is so beautiful, for I have been struggling with this very same issue over the past year. My bf and I took a break from our relationship over a year ago, and a month later I was saved, and now, I want nothing more than to help teach him about Christ as well. It really is my greatest heart's desire (other than following the Lord of course!).

Anyway I had for a long time really been struggling with our relationship because I thought it was a sin, and then I just felt completely hopeless. I felt like I wanted something that was forbidden and it really hurt my faith. I wondered if God could help me; I questioned my faith; I felt like an un-fixable sinner. I was confused, I was hurt, I was scared. Some said it was sin, some said it was not... but I was able to finally get to the place where I stopped listening to what people said, and started listening to what God said.

Since then I have been growing greatly spiritually and have offered up my whole heart to God (desires and all!). I am still really hoping the Lord will reunite my bf and I on the foundation of HIS love this time. And that I will be able to teach him all the amazing things I've learned about God thus far. But more than that I am hoping and praying the Lord will give me HIS desires so that I can cling to those things instead of my own heart's desires. I suppose now all that is left to do is wait and see what God will do.

Anyway, your story was just really reassuring to know that someone else out there has been through this. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your fiance and with God... I only hope my story turns out this way, too! ...(Keep your fingers crossed and prayers going!) I will keep you updated, hopefully my story will be as cool as yours. You've been a blessing to me today

Thank you and God bless!

In Christ's name,
AudreyNicole

 

[MooChristen]

Audrey, you can 'hijack' my thread any time! God has definitely given you wisdom and it sounds like you have a very strong root system established. I've known many who've been saved for years that still don't have that. Hope you have a blessed day. :shade:

 

[Checkered24]

I hope you don't mind my interposition MooChristen, but I just wanted to say that this post really helped me!

Checkered24, your testimony is so beautiful, for I have been struggling with this very same issue over the past year. My bf and I took a break from our relationship over a year ago, and a month later I was saved, and now, I want nothing more than to help teach him about Christ as well. It really is my greatest heart's desire (other than following the Lord of course!).

Anyway I had for a long time really been struggling with our relationship because I thought it was a sin, and then I just felt completely hopeless. I felt like I wanted something that was forbidden and it really hurt my faith. I wondered if God could help me; I questioned my faith; I felt like an un-fixable sinner. I was confused, I was hurt, I was scared. Some said it was sin, some said it was not... but I was able to finally get to the place where I stopped listening to what people said, and started listening to what God said.

Since then I have been growing greatly spiritually and have offered up my whole heart to God (desires and all!). I am still really hoping the Lord will reunite my bf and I on the foundation of HIS love this time. And that I will be able to teach him all the amazing things I've learned about God thus far. But more than that I am hoping and praying the Lord will give me HIS desires so that I can cling to those things instead of my own heart's desires. I suppose now all that is left to do is wait and see what God will do.

Anyway, your story was just really reassuring to know that someone else out there has been through this. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your fiance and with God... I only hope my story turns out this way, too! ...(Keep your fingers crossed and prayers going!) I will keep you updated, hopefully my story will be as cool as yours. You've been a blessing to me today

Thank you and God bless!

In Christ's name,
AudreyNicole

Audrey, you sound like you are already very blessed by the Lord! Thank you for your reply! It is a blessing to me to know the Lord was able to bless you through my post and experience!

I did struggle with the nature of our relationship a long time. I had recently read "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee, at the recommendation of my Pastor, and came to a page in it where Nee reinforces the doctrine that anything born of the flesh is of flesh and not of God. The way he wrote the Chapter, it put me into a lot of conflict over our relationship.

I know we are in a loving relationship where we strive together to honor God, but I also know that I was lost when we first met, and pursuing her out of fleshly desire too. So I began asking myself whether our relationship was sinful and displeasing to God. I struggled with this, read a lot, sought fellowship.

What the Lord taught me was that I was now in a relationship where I was focused on following God's will and glorifying him in the relationship, as is my fiance. I was reminded about all the blessings from the Lord in both of our lives that we had been experiencing together. How biblically, we felt our reading, prayer, and direction from the Spirit was bringing us closer together and encouraging our walk together.

It put an end to my questions. Our hearts were and are in the right place with God in our relationship. We are following the Lord and letting him be in control.

I will pray that you and your boyfriend can be together and have a fruitful relationship! May your day be blessed!

-John

 

[CowabungaChrist]

Hi MooChristian,

I know that we shouldn't marry non-Christians

That's not true. You are already attached to him, so in order to avoid getting yourself into conflict, I would share this with you. 1st Corinthians 7:14 explicitly states that the unbeliever is sanctified through marriage. Because you have become one, as it is said in Mark 10:8, you are granting him salvation so long as you both keep the marriage.

So if the relationship is in fact meant to be, you will save him either way. Do not rush him into Christ. If he chooses Him, he will, if not then see to it that he understands it won't burden the relationship in the eyes of God.

God bless.

It's obvious that Jesus in Luke 8:46 was not referencing "hand holding."

Yet, hand-holding between an unmarried man and woman begets the slippery slope...

This would be something to fear for the spiritually weak, those who are lured easily into temptation should consider your wisdom. But for those who are strong with God, neither dating or holding hands as an act of affection are sinful.