I'm going to share my testimony, which I have shared with very few people. Only my best friend, her youth leader, and a few camp counselors have heard. I haven't really "prepared" a sugar-coated, eloquent, "proper" testimony, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
Two of the things I have struggled with in the past few years are eating disorders and suicide. All of my life, I have struggled with self-esteem issues. I have never had many friends. I had one friend, my BEST friend, named Rebecca. In second grade, she left my school, and I began to realize what people said about me. I had been teased since kindergarten, but when you have a friend, you don't really care much. I began calling myself "stupid" and "worthless," even though I was only eight years old.
I apparently never got over that worthless feeling, because in seventh grade I developed an eating disorder. I recovered from it in eighth grade, so it didn't last long. But it was just another way for me to gain acceptance, even though it pushed people away from me. Nobody was worried about what I was doing to my body, people just continued to make fun of me for it.
Once I recovered from the eating disorder, I fell into a state of depression. I began to write poems about people at school, and even people in my youth group. The poems were basically about the feeling that nobody cares, and basically that no one would even care if I died. I think maybe in ninth or tenth grade, I began considering suicide. Through it all, I wrote depressing poems. I remember one saying that nothing would change if I died, and another begging someone to kill me because I wasn't brave enough to do it myself. I told my best friend that I was considering suicide. It hurt a little that she didn't even try to get real help from a hotline or counseling center or anything, she tried to help me herself. She is a good friend, and she is helping, but it takes time.
I wish I could say that I have been completely healed from all struggles with suicide and self-esteem, but I haven't. But I know my true friends are praying for me, and they always encourage me with scripture, and just by telling me how much they love me - that really makes a difference. I am trying so hard to see myself as God sees me, and not worry about what the world may say.
Two of the things I have struggled with in the past few years are eating disorders and suicide. All of my life, I have struggled with self-esteem issues. I have never had many friends. I had one friend, my BEST friend, named Rebecca. In second grade, she left my school, and I began to realize what people said about me. I had been teased since kindergarten, but when you have a friend, you don't really care much. I began calling myself "stupid" and "worthless," even though I was only eight years old.
I apparently never got over that worthless feeling, because in seventh grade I developed an eating disorder. I recovered from it in eighth grade, so it didn't last long. But it was just another way for me to gain acceptance, even though it pushed people away from me. Nobody was worried about what I was doing to my body, people just continued to make fun of me for it.
Once I recovered from the eating disorder, I fell into a state of depression. I began to write poems about people at school, and even people in my youth group. The poems were basically about the feeling that nobody cares, and basically that no one would even care if I died. I think maybe in ninth or tenth grade, I began considering suicide. Through it all, I wrote depressing poems. I remember one saying that nothing would change if I died, and another begging someone to kill me because I wasn't brave enough to do it myself. I told my best friend that I was considering suicide. It hurt a little that she didn't even try to get real help from a hotline or counseling center or anything, she tried to help me herself. She is a good friend, and she is helping, but it takes time.
I wish I could say that I have been completely healed from all struggles with suicide and self-esteem, but I haven't. But I know my true friends are praying for me, and they always encourage me with scripture, and just by telling me how much they love me - that really makes a difference. I am trying so hard to see myself as God sees me, and not worry about what the world may say.
