I was brought up in a very abusive home. You name it, it was done to us. Mental, physical & sexual abuse. Had a non-existing father. He wasn't around to protect us, nor give us any support or comfort. {This is where my stand comes in that we aren't born gay, but made gay}.
I don't know how old I was when I realized I was gay, but it was in my mid to late teens. I couldn't deal with it. Kids in school calling me "gay" "******" "****", etc. Kids are cruel.
At the age of 17 I couldn't deal with life anymore. I couldn't handle the abusive situation at home and I couldn't handle the abuses from my classmates. So I decided to end it all. The only reason I'm still alive is God. The doctors told my parents I wouldn't live. But I did.
At the age of 19, I was at a New Years Eve party. My aunt cornered me and kept witnessing to me. I was drunk, but by 2 AM my aunt convinced me that I needed Jesus in my life. So I got down on my knees and we prayed together. Since it was 2 AM I always count New Years Day as my spiritual birthday.
I started reading the bible & going to church. But I didn't give up on the alcohol, and sex, and I didn't turn away from the few friends I had.
Over the next few years, my walk with the Lord was good, but not perfect. I had a lot of sins that needed confessing but didn't. I moved up to New Hampshire to live with an Aunt & Uncle who were both saved. This was an amazing time. It was the first time in my life that I experienced what a real family was like. I learned a lot from my Aunt & Uncle and am indebted to them for helping me build a foundation.
However, I struggled with serious depression. I moved back to Massachusetts and in with my mother & stepfather. {I have the worlds best stepfather!!!} Anyway, I couldn't deal anymore with the depression and decided to end my life, again.
I had it all planned out. The day came when I was going to carry it out. I was in my bedroom and a very, very heaviness over powered me. I can't explain it except to say that after the fact, it was the Holy Spirit. I fell into a deep sleep. The Lord gave me a vision. I was standing there with my two hands held out in front of me. And the Lord placed a piece of gold in my hands. It was a large piece of gold, it took both hands to hold it. It was pure gold, so pure I could see through it {I never read or heard of pure gold until later in the book of Revelation}. The Lord said to me: "You are more precious to me than this gold."{Is. 13:12} I woke up crying, and crying. And it was then that I realized it was the next day! The Lord intervened in my attempt to commit suicide and He brought me through it into the next day.
The next few years were filled with Church stuff. I got very involved. But the depression wouldn't lift. I was diagnosed with chronic severe clinical depression. But because I'm a Christian I had a hard time dealing with the depression because God was supposed to heal me {this was my warped thinking}.
Since then, I have attempted suicide several times and was hospitalized a few times as well. I have come to learn & accept that this is a disease and I need to stay on my medication.
Also, for the first 14 years of being saved, I still was involved in the gay lifestyle. But I never came "out", always remained in the closet. So my family and friends don't know about this struggle. Only a select few people know.
I didn't have but a couple of "long term relationships". Instead I was a male *****. I just would hop in bed with whomever, one night stands, so to speak.
Back in 1995 the Lord convicted me of this sin, having sex with men. But there was nothing I could do about it. Homosexual sin is the ultimate high, and so powerfully adictive. And it's very hard to leave this lifestyle. So, I sought help. There was one pastor at a church I was going to, that asked me if I was gay. I told him yes. And he worked with me and counseled me for 1 maybe 2 years. Plus I got professional counseling for my depression.
So now to the present. I still suffer from depression. But I have left the gay lifestyle. {now 11 years} In the past recent months I have been seeking/searching for a gay lover {back sliding}. However, the Lord has obviously intervened again, because it hasn't worked out.
What I want to work on now is the same sex attraction, lust & porn.
Blessings;
Corey
I don't know how old I was when I realized I was gay, but it was in my mid to late teens. I couldn't deal with it. Kids in school calling me "gay" "******" "****", etc. Kids are cruel.
At the age of 17 I couldn't deal with life anymore. I couldn't handle the abusive situation at home and I couldn't handle the abuses from my classmates. So I decided to end it all. The only reason I'm still alive is God. The doctors told my parents I wouldn't live. But I did.
At the age of 19, I was at a New Years Eve party. My aunt cornered me and kept witnessing to me. I was drunk, but by 2 AM my aunt convinced me that I needed Jesus in my life. So I got down on my knees and we prayed together. Since it was 2 AM I always count New Years Day as my spiritual birthday.
I started reading the bible & going to church. But I didn't give up on the alcohol, and sex, and I didn't turn away from the few friends I had.
Over the next few years, my walk with the Lord was good, but not perfect. I had a lot of sins that needed confessing but didn't. I moved up to New Hampshire to live with an Aunt & Uncle who were both saved. This was an amazing time. It was the first time in my life that I experienced what a real family was like. I learned a lot from my Aunt & Uncle and am indebted to them for helping me build a foundation.
However, I struggled with serious depression. I moved back to Massachusetts and in with my mother & stepfather. {I have the worlds best stepfather!!!} Anyway, I couldn't deal anymore with the depression and decided to end my life, again.
I had it all planned out. The day came when I was going to carry it out. I was in my bedroom and a very, very heaviness over powered me. I can't explain it except to say that after the fact, it was the Holy Spirit. I fell into a deep sleep. The Lord gave me a vision. I was standing there with my two hands held out in front of me. And the Lord placed a piece of gold in my hands. It was a large piece of gold, it took both hands to hold it. It was pure gold, so pure I could see through it {I never read or heard of pure gold until later in the book of Revelation}. The Lord said to me: "You are more precious to me than this gold."{Is. 13:12} I woke up crying, and crying. And it was then that I realized it was the next day! The Lord intervened in my attempt to commit suicide and He brought me through it into the next day.
The next few years were filled with Church stuff. I got very involved. But the depression wouldn't lift. I was diagnosed with chronic severe clinical depression. But because I'm a Christian I had a hard time dealing with the depression because God was supposed to heal me {this was my warped thinking}.
Since then, I have attempted suicide several times and was hospitalized a few times as well. I have come to learn & accept that this is a disease and I need to stay on my medication.
Also, for the first 14 years of being saved, I still was involved in the gay lifestyle. But I never came "out", always remained in the closet. So my family and friends don't know about this struggle. Only a select few people know.
I didn't have but a couple of "long term relationships". Instead I was a male *****. I just would hop in bed with whomever, one night stands, so to speak.
Back in 1995 the Lord convicted me of this sin, having sex with men. But there was nothing I could do about it. Homosexual sin is the ultimate high, and so powerfully adictive. And it's very hard to leave this lifestyle. So, I sought help. There was one pastor at a church I was going to, that asked me if I was gay. I told him yes. And he worked with me and counseled me for 1 maybe 2 years. Plus I got professional counseling for my depression.
So now to the present. I still suffer from depression. But I have left the gay lifestyle. {now 11 years} In the past recent months I have been seeking/searching for a gay lover {back sliding}. However, the Lord has obviously intervened again, because it hasn't worked out.
What I want to work on now is the same sex attraction, lust & porn.
Blessings;
Corey
