I am Confused

[kingofkings316]

I feel ashamed for posting this. I don't know why. I am just so sad.

I am going to start out with a run through of my testimony to get a better knowledge of me. You can feel free to skip over it if you want.

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I have grown up in a Christian home all my life. I even originally gave my heart to the Lord when I was 4 years old. Even though I never understood why I had to until I was around the age of 12 when I was baptized.

I was forced to go to Church without any say so. My mother would not let me stay home. I always went to church and felt bored. I NEVER listened or even attempted to listen.

When I was 16, my mom moved me out to Michigan, where I met my sister for the first time. She had her own family in Indiana. My mom's friend, the reason we moved to Michigan, broke a promise of free rent the moment we moved into her house. My sister invited us to her house.

We lived with her. I found, as I lived with her, that she was a Wicca. She practiced "natural healing" and warding of spirits. I honestly just felt all together creeped out.

We left her house because of other reasons though.

I met my husband when I was 16. We dated. At the time I had no trace of God in my life. Or I never acted like it. I got married at 18 to him. He was physically and mentally abusive and he was constantly lusting after other women and usually ignoring me.

I left him when I was 19 and almost 20. I moved out to my sisters again. While I was there, I felt the deepest, darkest feeling I had ever felt. The house she lived in this time was said to be haunted. And although I do not believe in Ghosts, I know there are demons. The house had a heavy feeling. I had no doubt that my sister and her acts brought them in. She offered to cleans my room when I told her I was creeped out in it. But other then all the creepy things, I also just felt physically and mentally drain, mad, angry, stressed out and almost every bad feeling.

I left the house. I could not stay there anymore. Bust as soon as I moved back to Montana with my mom again. I could literally feel the feeling of oppression leaving almost as much as the color black turning to white. I found a church and in February of 2011, I turned my life back to God.

I felt an actual love for Him that I never felt before.

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I read my Bible a lot. Either online or one of my Bibles that I have. I have devotional books. I listen to praise music. On my social networks, I make sure that I have nothing but God on there or follow other Christians that can uplift me instead of tempt me. The only one that doesn't have all God is facebook. Because they are my family and close friends. I get made fun of for what I post on there by a couple people.

Right now, is a time in my life when I feel so far away from God, but I am trying desperately to be closer to Him. I feel like the closer I try to be to Him, the further he is. I have a feeling of drowning and trying to stay afloat. And I get so exhausted sometimes, that I start to think. Is there a God? What if when I die some day I find that there is no God, No Hell, No Heaven? But what else is there?

No matter what I do, I cannot get myself to believe there is no God. I know there is a God. I know He is my God. I know he loves me. But why does he feel so far away. I read Bible verses that says He is right there. Just right next to me. He is always there. Hebrews 13:5. He will never leave me, nor forsake me. But I read those verses and think, Why can't I feel Him?

I just feel so upset sometimes. Because I try to read my Bible. I pray more than I breath it seems sometimes. I pray for everything. I take no credit for anything that happens in my life. I thank God for everything. I know He is the one that is doing it. But I feel so lost.

Why do I feel this way?

EDIT:
I added this to elaborate why I felt this way.

Recently everything has been going wrong. I have been trying to find a job. I have been applying EVERYWHERE. I have had several interviews. I pray for God to go with me to my interviews. To give the interviewer understanding and for Him to speak through me even so that I am not so nervous. But I never get the job. The last place I applied I tried to call back to ask why, and they lady would not let me speak to a manager. She literally spoke over me, yelled at me and the finally hung up, right in the middle of me trying to tell her that a manager yesterday told me to call back today so that I could speak to the manager that interviewed me. She just would not even try to let me talk. And I just got overwhelmed with anger and I felt betrayed by God even.

The more I prayed, the worse it seemed to get. Everything just seemed to go downhill.

I posted this in the Seeking Jesus section, because I guess you could say I am a new believer. Because I never actually tried to find God before in my Life. Not until recently. If it is in the wrong spot, I am sorry.

 

[Ericka17]

Ur going through the dessert sis..it natural in every christians life..sometimes we dont feel God but Hes there.. When u pray ball out go crazy lol there is nothing God doesnt know nd He knows ur doubting but just tell Papa I wanna see more of ur works in my life God you are the author of my faith restore me for Your glory just keep the faith sis ..I'll b praying 4 u

 

[agua]

G'day Fallon,

We can get confused with our feelings and our spirituality. We have attitudes and presumptions of what we expect in life and when we don't feel as we would like it can be very discouraging.

I suggest you to continue in prayer and remember God is always close by. We can be moody critters though and not see this.
I know I am.

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

John 4:24 God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.

You are a Spirit that has a soul that lives in a body.

Feelings come from the body(for sure) and possibly the soul.
The Spirit is eternal and out of time.There is no feeling in the Spirit.
The Word feeds the Spirit and can overflow to the soul.
The world feeds the body and can overflow to the soul.

The body is constantly feeding the soul so the Spirit has a lot of catching up to do.
Jesus said the Spirit is willing but the flesh(body) is weak.
That's why the necessity to pray without ceasing to keep the Spirit so engorged that it is constantly watering the soul.
A saturated soul will produce the "joy of the Lord" by taking over even the body and hence the feeling of "on fire" or a closeness to God.

However "on fire" is an action on our part to saturate ourselves with the word and walk in the Spirit.If we can perfect this constant out flowing "rivers of living water" will pour out of us and our love of others that comes from this will be our witness.

I always thank God for giving me his joy.I ask and then I thank him whether I feel it or not.I believe God's word more than my feelings.
It usually doesn't take long.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.

The changes you have made in your life produce a spiritual light in a dark place and that does tend to attract bugs(attacks from darkness.)

Isaiah 54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.

Gloom is a weapon of darkness,it is a dark imagination.

2 Corinthians 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Peace

 

[kingofkings316]

Thank you Thiscrosshurts!
My walk with God was going so well that I never expected it to get dark. I had a feeling that I was stronger than the darkness and the devil. But I guess that is when I let my guard down.

I never thought before that the "What if" questions are just Satan messing with my imagination. I don't know why it never occurred to me before.

I even have 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 written on a paper on my wall. I use the verse to keep myself from getting angry. I had a very big problem with anger. I have it under control except for when I felt like I did yesterday.

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

They say God will never let you go through more than you can handle.
The problem is he has a much higher opinion of you than you do.
We have entered into the way.Jesus said he is the way.

Philippians 3:10. That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;

This does not sound like a pleasant process.The above verse tells me that we will made conformable to his death.That would include a Garden of Gethsemane experience,a betrayal by a close friend,an unjust trial and dragging that cross to Golgotha.It would also include being pierced and finally death on the cross.Finally there is resurrection.

John 9:4. I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.

This is a prophecy but I believe it also shows a pattern and a cycle.
The temporary relief we experience is time to worship and pray and defeat darkness by generating light through faith.Darkness fights back though.

His work was to fulfill scripture and so is ours.Scripture has many levels and there are patterns and cycles in many of them.We have in our sufferings been many times fulfilling these patterns unknowingly.
The first strongholds we have to overcome is our carnal mind.The carnal mind is not subject to God.It is subject to feelings and the five senses which don't always agree with the word.

 

[lilyR]

hi sis,
There is no need to be ashamed. all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. what you are going through is quite normal more so for christians because theres alot of things we are aware of that we shouldnt do. Sometimes we go through hardships, I have. I went through a phase were is was drifting back, this was when I was studying and had to work part time and pay some bills to keep up with everything.I also lived away from home since I was 19 to go to university but its been a bumpy road, it was hard because people mocked me talking about God,I was stressed, felt depressed, I lost my Job and I didnt understand what I was doing through, I started doubting God,I knew theres God, but I had doubts alone in Europe, without my family(some in Australia,canada and south africa),I found it hard in the beginning nearly gave up, read less of the bible...then I realised the the more i stopped reading i found peace was living...I turned and him for forgiveness if I was doing things I shouldnt have been unknowingly, started giving thanks for every situation, I thank him for what he has done, things impossible by faith can be made possible.I find praying and continuing standing on Gods promises, believe you are capable,Thanking him in advance helps you to be at ease and have peace, God cant give you more than you can handle. God knows what you are going through...This too shall pass, its just a phase. He is more than able to accomplish what concerns you today.He makes all things beautiful in his time...

"But my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Jesus Christ" Philippians 4:19

"The name of the lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and the are safe" proverbs 18:10

"They that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint" Isaiah 40:31

(All things are possible-Hillsong)
Almighty God my redeemer
my hiding my safe refuge
no other name like Jesus...
no power can stand against you...
my feet are planted on the rock
and I will not be shaken...
my help, It comes from you alone
My lord and my salvation

When I am weak you make strong..
when am poor, I know am rich
for In the power of your name...

All things are possible
all things are possible...

Praying for you sister.
love in Christ

 

[kingofkings316]

Thank you! It actually helps to know that God thinks more of me than I do myself, as Thiscrosshurts was saying. That also means that He expects more of me than I do myself.

And I take from that, that through hard time, He uses that as a way for me to stay strong. He is not meaning for me to fall apart, but to love Him through everything.

I think a relationship with God is like a relationship on this earth. There are rocky parts. There are parts so bad that we want to leave our loved ones. But it is up to us to stick with our loved one and trust them and love them through the hard time a work together rather than blaming each other.

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

Think about this,in order to have faith we can't see the answer.
If I always felt his presence and every prayer were answered instantly I would have proof of his existence and though I could do mighty works I would not need faith because I see.Thats why Jesus said blessed is he who does not see and yet believes.When I feel like God has abandoned me or is testing me I actually am afforded a better chance to please God by acting in faith.Maybe this whole world was created just so we could have a chance to please God by generating faith.We won't need faith when we are with him.
Peace

 

[salty]

What else can be said...?

Kingofkings it seems like you received the proper encouragment that you needed. I still wanted to mention a few things, hopefully they'll be helpful to you as well.

1. I read about the occult and how Christians can identify it and be released from its bondage, because it does in fact bind us when people are inviting unclean spirits into their homes and their hearts. According to this book, by author Kurt E. Koch (a lutheran pastor and counselor) he says that it's a good idea to repent of any involvement in the occult, whether direct or indirect, so that you can free yourself from the influences which usually lead to physically and mentally being drained, more prone to outbursts and turning back to the sinful nature instead of pursuing God. So, feel free, if you still feel you have no energy and you're being oppressed by something to repent of the time spent with your sister and renew your devotion for the Lord moving forward into his love.

2. "Above all things the heart is deceitful, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9 NIV. I keep this verse close to me because my heart often tells me in a moment when I am especially weak that God doesn't care or that none of my prayers are being answered, but my mind knows better. My mind knows that God cherishes me, he loves me and provides for me. I was really upset with the Lord over a job too once. I went to three interviews and suddenly I was denied for the position and I couldn't stop crying and feeling bitter. I really felt like this job was going to solve all my problems, then a few weeks later at a family function my cousin decided that I was perfect for an opening in his company and I received a job that was paying me more than the last without anything but a short casual interview. This job also led to me meeting powerful Christians that helped transform and rebuild my marriage! The Lord is good and if something is not working out for you right now, it's because the Lord has something better in store. Please be patient in difficult circumstances and believe that the Lord knows what's best for you and will provide for you.

 

[JCisTHEsavior]

i saw the post of kingofkings316 and was hoping to offer any help i could, i read all the comments people had already posted in response. They are all wonderful and i pray they do help you kingofkings316! I have had feelings of "what if" as well, but i keep telling myself it is Satan intruding in my thoughts, trying to steer me from God. I just wanted to say something to you salty. What you said here is wonderful advice, and i loved the story of your job. How you wanted one, but didnt get it and was upset, only to be led by Jesus to a better one with wonderful people. I actually said "wow" out loud. God bless you and God bless you kingofkings316, God bless everyone!

 

[will]

Sister, two things that may help you think through this crisis:


1. Reading the Bible vs Studying the Bible. The Scriptures has the power to change life, that we know. However so many well meaning Christians treat it as though it's a book of magic. As though all we need to do is to read the Bible and some magic verse will jump out and make our life better.

It is not like that. The Scriptures are written so we may know God personally and so we may know what His plan for us is personally. But it follows that we ought to study the Scriptures to know what God is like. While reading is obviously part of studying, it is but one part, the other is thinking about it.

For years I have been fallen into the rut where I read the Bible just because I have to, and because I was hoping that just by reading it, or listen to it on the radio, it will change my life automatically without me putting an effort to think about things *through* the Scriptures' perspective.

See, thinking about the Scriptures includes asking the questions like: why are the passages written the way they are? and what do they have to do with the other? and finally how do they apply to my own situations in life. It is getting purposeful to know what is on God's mind.

Only through this process we would then start to grow to appreciate and eventually becoming confident in the immensity and depth of God's sovereign plan and assurance which was recorded in the Scriptures.

Of course all the studying of the Scriptures that you do on your own won't help if you are not open to the illumination of the Holy Spirit. But from your description, I don't see anything that you do specifically that would prevent Him to work in your heart *and* mind. But of course, you need to decide on this yourself.



2. Project your feeling about yourself to other people. If you feel alone and distant from God, how about other people that you pass through on the way to work, or met regularly in the general store, coffee shop, bus stop, or wherever. Start praying that God will move you towards their direction. Doing this will cause three things:

a) You will start to appreciate what you have more because the more we look around, the more we'll see people needing the Lord more than we do.

b) You will start to shift your attention, time, and resource to help other people. This could be as simple (but not insignificant) as praying for them daily, or as complex as engaging them in a discussion and helping them in a tangible way.

c) You will start to focus on others, the way the Scriptures teaches every believers that has started to grow in their relationship with God. And soon you'll have no time left to feel distant from God because you are actively doing what He wills in your life.

What do you think?