KittyLinda
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- Joined
- Jul 18, 2020
- Messages
- 352
A while ago, I posted something titled Christianity VS. Jesus, and I mentioned there that I was going through a very difficult time, and that I felt on the edge so to speak. I actually was having another faith crisis, but I just did not know how to put it. I say ‘another’ because I am a believer who struggled with maintaining my Christian identity, even though I do believe in Jesus with all my heart and soul, never believed differently about my savior. I have always known that he is real, and that he died for my sins. I have always believed in the bible, and even though I heard the good news more than I can count, I still felt different from Christians around me. I was not happy or living freely in Christ like those I knew. I was listening to Christian music, and I sing and dance for the lord, but I just felt something was missing. This is partially due to my mental disorder. I usually find myself somehow turning away from God, if I find myself sinning, but this also kept happening again and again, because I actually "never" fully received the good news.
God recently rebuked me for believing in a false gospel. After my recent baptism, I felt God is calling me to write this. I finally realized more about the good news, and more about God's mercy and love. I am not going to be here for a while. I want to spend my time reading the bible, instead of arguing with my brothers and sisters online, but I really felt I need to write this first, because I was living in condemnation for a long time, and God set me free! So I want to share my testimony.
Sin blinded me on a spiritual level. I came to the faith just this year actually. So I am actually a 'baby' Christian. I am not new to the faith itself, but new in my walk with God, because I backslid for long years, and because there were so many things that I realized I need to change after my conversion, I thought that I could actually live a sinless or perfect life. These thoughts about my life 'before' and how it is 'now' always cross my mind, and I just feel very guilty and depressed for basically wasting my life away from God. You may say I am just in my late 20s, but I spent nearly 8-9 years of my life living in sexual immorality, and somehow I always find myself whispering like ‘ wow I am still not even close to my younger self when I was so full of joy, when I was very spirit-filled, and how I was sanctified and made holy in Christ Jesus, but now I am struggling with this and that . . . .” And I ask myself how long it is going to take me to get there again. How long it is going to take me to be delivered from sin. I did not fully comprehend the gospel! I was living in condemnation.
I understand now why doctrine/Theology is actually important. Also, I know Satan will use people against me now, but I am ready for that, and I have to tell the truth anyway. There are people out there who think they know the good news, but sadly they do not know yet. Some still do not know, if they will make it, and they live in depression. On the other hand, there are those who preach legalism all day all night and you do it yourself thing, and they also condemn other Christians, because they think they are better than the rest of us. They think we are disobedient, or that we do not want to repent. That is what they think about us that we just want to live in sin! Imagine that! Trust me that is what they think.
They do not even know what the word ‘repent’ means. The word ‘repent’ in Greek is ‘metanoia’ and it is change in one's way of life resulting from spiritual conversion. That happens when you come to Jesus, not before. The Holy Spirit convicts us not to sin, but cleaning yourself from sin is NOT what gives you salvation, or saves you. (Romans 4:2-3)
I was living in complete spiritual bondage actually, and I thank God because he rebuked me, and I went to this deliverance ministry knowing fully that I am in bondage. I said this about myself in my first post when I came to this site actually because I was on the legalistic side years ago, and then I was on the defeated side for a while, because I’d pray constantly, and hate myself for sinning again. I even asked God to make me like this person or that person who I thought were ‘perfect’ Christians. I asked him what they are doing, and why I am not like them. I prayed before and asked God that I do not want to sin ever again. Sometimes just these bad thoughts will cause me to think I am not clean or good enough. Every time I sinned, I thought wow I am really just abusing grace, and sometimes I even mentioned it here that I am maybe not a fully converted Christian yet. This actually caused my boyfriend to leave me. I was tormented with these thoughts, and he is not equipped spiritually to deal with any of this. As I said, I did not receive the good news fully. Now I understand.
Then, the enemy used this to come at me again and these voices would tell me all the time how God is so mean and unjust that he would separate me from my bf only because he is not a Christian, and how he would separate my daughter from her father, just because we are not married. Satan pulled me right and left because he wanted to take me to hell. He came after my soul. Every morning, I’d wake up and something just crosses my mind, and I just feel condemned again and again for not living perfectly the way I imagined it. If you read my other posts and how I was having all these panic attacks, I was miserable.
It is (Rom. 4:5 & Galatians 2:16 & Hebrews 11:1, Ephesians 1:13-14) that actually set me free. It is by trusting Jesus alone. It is by faith in Jesus alone that counts. Jesus did it ALL. I no longer rely on what I am doing, or what I am not doing anymore. (Colossians 2:14, Galatians 3:11, 1 John 1:8-10) We are saved by faith alone. So brothers and sisters rely on Jesus alone for your salvation. It is serious. Whoever changes the Gospel is accursed. (Galatians 1:8-9.)
Linda,
God recently rebuked me for believing in a false gospel. After my recent baptism, I felt God is calling me to write this. I finally realized more about the good news, and more about God's mercy and love. I am not going to be here for a while. I want to spend my time reading the bible, instead of arguing with my brothers and sisters online, but I really felt I need to write this first, because I was living in condemnation for a long time, and God set me free! So I want to share my testimony.
Sin blinded me on a spiritual level. I came to the faith just this year actually. So I am actually a 'baby' Christian. I am not new to the faith itself, but new in my walk with God, because I backslid for long years, and because there were so many things that I realized I need to change after my conversion, I thought that I could actually live a sinless or perfect life. These thoughts about my life 'before' and how it is 'now' always cross my mind, and I just feel very guilty and depressed for basically wasting my life away from God. You may say I am just in my late 20s, but I spent nearly 8-9 years of my life living in sexual immorality, and somehow I always find myself whispering like ‘ wow I am still not even close to my younger self when I was so full of joy, when I was very spirit-filled, and how I was sanctified and made holy in Christ Jesus, but now I am struggling with this and that . . . .” And I ask myself how long it is going to take me to get there again. How long it is going to take me to be delivered from sin. I did not fully comprehend the gospel! I was living in condemnation.
I understand now why doctrine/Theology is actually important. Also, I know Satan will use people against me now, but I am ready for that, and I have to tell the truth anyway. There are people out there who think they know the good news, but sadly they do not know yet. Some still do not know, if they will make it, and they live in depression. On the other hand, there are those who preach legalism all day all night and you do it yourself thing, and they also condemn other Christians, because they think they are better than the rest of us. They think we are disobedient, or that we do not want to repent. That is what they think about us that we just want to live in sin! Imagine that! Trust me that is what they think.
They do not even know what the word ‘repent’ means. The word ‘repent’ in Greek is ‘metanoia’ and it is change in one's way of life resulting from spiritual conversion. That happens when you come to Jesus, not before. The Holy Spirit convicts us not to sin, but cleaning yourself from sin is NOT what gives you salvation, or saves you. (Romans 4:2-3)
I was living in complete spiritual bondage actually, and I thank God because he rebuked me, and I went to this deliverance ministry knowing fully that I am in bondage. I said this about myself in my first post when I came to this site actually because I was on the legalistic side years ago, and then I was on the defeated side for a while, because I’d pray constantly, and hate myself for sinning again. I even asked God to make me like this person or that person who I thought were ‘perfect’ Christians. I asked him what they are doing, and why I am not like them. I prayed before and asked God that I do not want to sin ever again. Sometimes just these bad thoughts will cause me to think I am not clean or good enough. Every time I sinned, I thought wow I am really just abusing grace, and sometimes I even mentioned it here that I am maybe not a fully converted Christian yet. This actually caused my boyfriend to leave me. I was tormented with these thoughts, and he is not equipped spiritually to deal with any of this. As I said, I did not receive the good news fully. Now I understand.
Then, the enemy used this to come at me again and these voices would tell me all the time how God is so mean and unjust that he would separate me from my bf only because he is not a Christian, and how he would separate my daughter from her father, just because we are not married. Satan pulled me right and left because he wanted to take me to hell. He came after my soul. Every morning, I’d wake up and something just crosses my mind, and I just feel condemned again and again for not living perfectly the way I imagined it. If you read my other posts and how I was having all these panic attacks, I was miserable.
It is (Rom. 4:5 & Galatians 2:16 & Hebrews 11:1, Ephesians 1:13-14) that actually set me free. It is by trusting Jesus alone. It is by faith in Jesus alone that counts. Jesus did it ALL. I no longer rely on what I am doing, or what I am not doing anymore. (Colossians 2:14, Galatians 3:11, 1 John 1:8-10) We are saved by faith alone. So brothers and sisters rely on Jesus alone for your salvation. It is serious. Whoever changes the Gospel is accursed. (Galatians 1:8-9.)
Linda,