Lost

[Spazz]

I don’t think I want to be a Christian anymore.
I was raised to believe that there’s a God and all that, but now I’m not too sureHe exists, or if He ever did to begin with.
I can’t bring myself to pray without feeling stupid, as if I’m just talking to the air.
I feel like a doubting Thomas, but the difference is that Thomas was at least given a reason to believe. You know, like proof. What proof do I have that God is real? Other people’s word for it? The Bible? Lately that doesn’t seem good enough for me.
The only reason why I decided to think about it for so long was solely because of a fear of Hell. If I was wrong and there was a God, then my straying is going to lead me to Hell. But if there is no God and no Hell, then why should I bother trying to hard to appease something that doesn’t exist?
Another thing that bothers me is the Christians. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to leave a belief or movement solely because of the people; that’s just stupid. But I do think that it’s safe to say that it’s the Christians themselves that got me thinking and reevaluating what I believe. Long story short, a lot of Christians that I know and knew were annoying. They constantly acted like they were better than everyone, and one girl that I knew would shut herself off from me and our friends to read her bible. Do I want to be something like that? Of course not. And I get that not all Christians are like that. But... I don’t know. A part of me thought that maybe I could still be a Christian, but just not call myself that. Maybe I would call myself an X-trian as a throwback to the ancient church in the 1400s, where X was a Greek symbol for Kristos. It was a fun thought, and a creative way (at least to me) to separate myself from the people who were deviating from what the Bible said you should do, and maybe start my own movement while I’m at it lol.
but I can’t bring myself to believe, or pray, or read the Bible without feeling completely stupid. But if I were to drop Christianity, how will I tell my mom? She’s such a hard core Christian; she’s the type that likes to buy those bible verse stickers and put them up everywhere. I could already feel her disappointment, and even fear for my well being.
In the end, I’m just stuck.
I don’t want you guys to pray for me or anything, unless one of you could convince God to show Himself to me like how Jesus showed Thomas his wounds, because I’m tired of trying.
Also, the saddest thing about this website is that I put up a story about how my ex boyfriend pretty much sexually assaulted me, and, laughably, the response I received was having half of my post removed and the admin asking if I was a born again Christian. And, even better, when I answered the admin, I didn’t receive any word back. Sad thing is, if I were to post the same story on reddit, I probably would’ve received an actual answer. And it’s things like that that makes me wonder if Christianity is really where I want to be.
If you guys want to pray for me, go ahead. But I guess since this isn’t the prayer request forum, I should ask you guys all this:
What’s the point of even trying anymore? If you guys were in my shoes, if you were at a point where you physically can’t bring yourself to pray for yourself, let alone for your friends and family, or If you were at a point we’re reading the Bible makes you feel sick and discontented, what would you do?
And by gosh if one of you guys say that I should pray and read my Bible I’m going sign off this site and delete my account.

 

[Fragrant Grace]

And by gosh if one of you guys say that I should pray and read my Bible I’m going sign off this site and delete my account.

Greetings @Spazz

You should pray and read your Bible.

Ask the Lord to reveal Himself and to help your unbelief.

Your post that was deleted was sexually explicit and in graphic detail.
This is a public forum that children can access
Your post was pornographic by the unnecessary detail you shared.
You are not stupid and are fully aware of this.

We would love to share more about Jesus with you.

 

[Hekuran]

Hello @Spazz

A short response to a few of the things you say.

Fear of hell is a poor reason to be a Christian. If that's the driving force for you, I'm not surprised it's all falling apart.

Don't base decisions on how your mom might react. You've got to follow the truth as best you understand it. Its concerning that you fear for well being though.

Annoying Christians? Yes, I know.

I'd like to ask what you think of Jesus though. Does the thought of him also make you feel sick and discontented in the same way as reading the Bible?

In answer to your 'what's the point' question, I'd say that the key issue is in the person of Jesus. The good news of Christianity is that Jesus is lord of all. If that's true all other considerations have to fall into second place.

If I pray that you find peace and grace and truth would that be ok?

 

[PloughBoy]

Spazz, you know the Gospel of Jesus Christ already, just “Repent” just ask Jesus to give you the “Holy Spirit” then you will have the desire to read your bible and pray and know God is real. Keep asking Him day and night, even if it takes crying and tears. Your fear of Hell is just,

 

[Spazz]

Greetings @Spazz

You should pray and read your Bible.

Ask the Lord to reveal Himself and to help your unbelief.

Your post that was deleted was sexually explicit and in graphic detail.
This is a public forum that children can access
Your post was pornographic by the unnecessary detail you shared.
You are not stupid and are fully aware of this.

We would love to share more about Jesus with you.

wow. Just wow. Did you read anything that I wrote?
you say that I should pray and read my Bible... after I explicitly said...
I give up.
if it were that easy for me, do you think that I’d be here? That’s all I’m going to say on that note. What I really wanted to get at was my post.
yeah, okay, I’m a very detailed writer haha, but the point I guess I failed to make was that I didn’t receive any actual answers. One person wrote back to me about how I should be prioritize my relationship with God and refrain from being unevenly yoked, which is an okay answer. But the admin never got back to me.
I want you to at least try and see things like this:
Your boyfriend touched you in your no no place and made you touch his. After that, you go home, throw up, and feel like a disgusting mess because of how he practically used you and violated your innocence.
You’re lost. You go to a forum to get some advise. I mean, there’s no way that you could face your friends and family, not with that kind of shame, so you take your issues to a website that is supposed to be a site filled with like minded people filled with love and understanding.
You write everything that went down.
You’re crying at the memories. Your stomach twists and turns from the feeling that echoes in your body. You swear that you could even feel something foreign in your mouth.
It takes a few hours, but you’re finally able to successfully vent all of that pent up frustration that stemmed from the internal conflict that had been stirring within you.
You post the thread, and then you wait. Maybe, just maybe someone could say something—anything—anything that’ll put your mind at ease. You feel like it’s not your fault, what happened that fateful day, that is, but for some reason, this shame and guilt keeps you from shifting the blame to him. You explicitly remember yourself saying no to him, but you tell yourself that maybe you weren’t assertive enough. Maybe someone in this forum could shed some light on the situation. Maybe someone could lift that burden, and maybe even tell you that you weren’t to blame. Maybe someone will reply with something that makes sense.
Not long, you get a reply. You anxiously click on the messages and scroll through your post, only to notice that your hours of work, hours of venting, and hours of reminiscing every gory detail from that day deleted, and summed up to one sentence.
“it got physical, and I felt dirty”.
you know in your heart that it was much more than that. It was more than physical, it was traumatizing. You could barely look another man in the eye without wondering about his motives. You can’t feel safe being alone with a man in the elevator.And you know you felt more than dirty. You felt used. Cheap. Guilt. Shame. You know in your heart that that one sentence that the admin summed up your post in could never sum up what really happened that day.
but that’s fine.You still had a reply. Maybe the admin deleted it, to spare the young and innocent children from reading heavy material. After all, this is a Christian website. Terms that are synonymous to “paid women entertainers for the sole enjoyment men” are highly inappropriate. You get that.
But then you see that the admin replied to your post with a question: “are you a born again Christian?”
you’re taken aback by that response. After all, you came to this forum looking for advice, not to me questioned. But even still, you try and work with it. You reply honestly. You tell the admin that you’ve been a bit confused. You tell them that you’ve been lost in the faith and had been trying to desperately crawl back. You reason that maybe the admin asked such a question in order to better evaluate yourself as a person in the faith in order to shape their advice for you. So You tell them all of this, and submit the reply. Only to never hear from them again.
How do you feel now? I’ll tell you how I felt. I felt as if it was sad, the situation that is. As I said in my op, I already know that if I were to post the same thread on reddit, or any other forum site word for word, I probably would’ve received an actual answer. And this is sad because, well, for a religion that claims to be all about love and understanding, it’s shocking to see how I could find more loving, more understanding, more sympathetic human beings in the world.
At this point, I don’t even think I want to know more about Jesus. Quite honestly, I’ve been learning about Jesus since I was in the fourth grade, and I’m in my second year of college now. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of Christianity. I’m sick of Christians. And I’m getting real sick of this website too.

 

[Spazz]

Spazz, you know the Gospel of Jesus Christ already, just “Repent” just ask Jesus to give you the “Holy Spirit” then you will have the desire to read your bible and pray and know God is real. Keep asking Him day and night, even if it takes crying and tears. Your fear of Hell is just, ❤

Human being, I’ve been doing that for years now and I’ve heard nothing. Ive repented and prayed until I couldn’t cry anymore. I used to be part of a worship team, and I used to sing my lungs out with a hope that maybe He could hear me and reveal himself to me. “Holy Spirit you are welcome here,” I used to sing that every day, even on my down time when I was alone. Everything I’ve done with my life was for Him and His glory. I read my Bible, and I volunteered at my church. I studied His word, and I’ve been to the debates with atheists where I feverishly defended the gospel. And I don’t know what you mean by your last line. My fear of Hell is just love? No. No honey. My feat of Hell, or fear of the Lord and His judgements is literally the only thing that’s holding together, but that string is running real thin at this moment. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to pray lately, but what’s the point in trying if He doesn’t even exist. That’s my main problem tbh. I used to know for certain that God was real, but now I’m not so sure.

 

[Fragrant Grace]

Hello @Spazz

Slow down.

The Bible says

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon Thee because He trusteth in Thee
Isaiah 26:3

In quiet prayer seek the Lord asking for His peace to reign in your heart. Ask Him to show you the way and to lead you.

I can assure you the Lord will never fail you.

 

[Spazz]

Hello @Spazz

A short response to a few of the things you say.

Fear of hell is a poor reason to be a Christian. If that's the driving force for you, I'm not surprised it's all falling apart.

Don't base decisions on how your mom might react. You've got to follow the truth as best you understand it. Its concerning that you fear for well being though.

Annoying Christians? Yes, I know.

I'd like to ask what you think of Jesus though. Does the thought of him also make you feel sick and discontented in the same way as reading the Bible?

In answer to your 'what's the point' question, I'd say that the key issue is in the person of Jesus. The good news of Christianity is that Jesus is lord of all. If that's true all other considerations have to fall into second place.

If I pray that you find peace and grace and truth would that be ok?

Hello @Spazz

Slow down.

The Bible says

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon Thee because He trusteth in Thee
Isaiah 26:3

In quiet prayer seek the Lord asking for His peace to reign in your heart. Ask Him to show you the way and to lead you.

I can assure you the Lord will never fail you.

The Lord failed me the moment he stopped talking to me.

 

[Spazz]

Hello @Spazz

A short response to a few of the things you say.

Fear of hell is a poor reason to be a Christian. If that's the driving force for you, I'm not surprised it's all falling apart.

Don't base decisions on how your mom might react. You've got to follow the truth as best you understand it. Its concerning that you fear for well being though.

Annoying Christians? Yes, I know.

I'd like to ask what you think of Jesus though. Does the thought of him also make you feel sick and discontented in the same way as reading the Bible?

In answer to your 'what's the point' question, I'd say that the key issue is in the person of Jesus. The good news of Christianity is that Jesus is lord of all. If that's true all other considerations have to fall into second place.

If I pray that you find peace and grace and truth would that be ok?

I’ll make this quick then.
I’ve never been afraid of Hell. Even now it’s hard for me to be afraid of something that may or may not exist.
My only concern for my mom is how her heart would break when she finds out how calloused I’ve become to the Word. But if I come to the conclusion that there is no God and Christianity is a waste of time, then I can only hope that she understands.
At this point, I’d identify more as agnostic than Christian. I would like to believe that Jesus did all the amazing things he did on the cross for me, but I can’t be sure. So concerning Jesus, all I can say is one big idk.
And to respond to what’s the point, then I guess I’m pretty screwed. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Or maybe I do and I just can’t except the fact that I could simply care less? Idk, this is very weird to me.

 

[PloughBoy]

You don’t have to read your Bible, sing no song , feed no poor, and go to any church, for “salvation” and to get the Holy Spirit in which it will empower you. This cannot be earn by works. Ask Him again and and again, and again, to show you He is real. “Christ Alone” no formulas, to you cannot cry out anymore. “ it is never easy”

 

[Spazz]

You don’t have to read your Bible, sing no song , feed no poor, and go to any church, for “salvation” and to get the Holy Spirit in which it will empower you. This cannot be earn by works. Ask Him again and and again, and again, to show you He is real. “Christ Alone” no formulas, to you cannot cry out anymore. “ it is never easy”

I think you missed my point lol. I wasn’t getting frustrated because I was doing good works and not getting a response. I was getting frustrated because I was trying to go above and beyond in my faith, not only trying to form a relationship with God, but also trying to live my life in a way that pleases Him. But I’m at a point in my life that I’m tired of all the pleading and the crying and the tears and the prayers that lead to radio silence.

 

[PloughBoy]

You cannot please God! God shows us things to come and we obey or try to obey Him. He wants fellowship with us. And His will for us is our “Sanctification”! And to do that you have to be “Born of God” [Holy Spirit]. And begin a life of self-denial , with God Spirit walking beside you. With out it you cannot do it. Christian life is a suffering life with a comforter. “No cross no crown” This Is no walk in the Park. “God is not calling us to a play ground, the Christian life is a battlefield” “ you have to put on the whole armor of God”. “You have to count the cost” it is going to cost you! I need a witness!

 

[Spazz]

You cannot please God! God shows us things to come and we obey or try to obey Him. He wants fellowship with us. And His will for us is our “Sanctification”! And to do that you have to be “Born of God” [Holy Spirit]. And begin a life of self-denial , with God Spirit walking beside you. With out it you cannot do it. Christian life is a suffering life with a comforter. “No cross no crown” This Is no walk in the Park. “God is not calling us to a play ground, the Christian life is a battlefield” “ you have to put on the whole armor of God”. “You have to count the cost” it is going to cost you! I need a witness!❤

I get what you’re saying. So we’re basically slaves to Christ, but at the same time we’re free. Also the fact that we’re warriors in a battle bit of flesh and blood. I got that. What I don’t get is the life of self-denial. Could you please elaborate on that?

 

[PloughBoy]

All instructions are in the NT, that is your guide, it tells you who to stay away from, About not loving this world or the things in it, have no fellowship with unbelievers, Stay away from people who say they are Christians but live sinful lives. Spend a lot of time alone in Gods word, Self denial. Set your affections on things in the Heavens and not here on earth. These are the self denial. With the Holy Spirit you enjoy spending the Time with God it is joy unspeakable. Sometimes you might get weary, but you will not stop you cannot stop. And if you sin, it grieves the Holy Spirit in you, you repent and ask for forgiveness, and read the word of God to wash yourself, and restore your fellowship with God. It is not a dull journey, you will be forever learning about GOD! It is worth denying yourself, He will teach you about Himself. You will ever be learning about God, it will never end, through out eternity. You have no idea how awesome He is until He Start showing you, eternity! And those who do not know Him tries to lead you away From Him, because they don’t know Him. But He becomes you Lord [Master] and you are the slave until your coronation in Heaven to receive your inheritance and you will “Reign” with Jesus who is your Brother and Lord. Shared inheritance. It is worth it! That is your inheritance of the Saints of God! Now I just gave you the Gospel of Jesus Christ. You know the other part! Now it is complete!

 

[Wnl]

Hi Spazz,
After reading your post, l must admit that I felt your hurt and a tear or two.
I have never wrote on this forum of my hurt as a child, but I feel compelled
to because I believe it might help you.

I will give you some background first, I am now 74yrs old married with
two daughters and four grandchildren.
I was saved from myself and this world at the age of 43yrs.

Without going into detail I was abused by a woman next door and a married
man across the road, I was robbed of my innocence and my childhood.
And even now if I think about it too deep I still cry today.
There are millions of abused people out there in the world.

What set me apart is that after I was saved, it set me free to tell my
wife and my elderly mother, it answered a lot of questions about my
bad behaviour as a child. I know if I hadn't been saved I would have
taken the secret to my grave.

As a Christian my past neaded to be revealed and delt with, so I employ
as I did ask Jesus for help.

Jesus spoke to me in my darkness. I heard it. I responded and He was
there waiting for me, I asked Him how long had He been waiting for me
to confess my past. He said, ' from the beginning'.
He is waiting for you too beloved, to feel His warmth and reassurance
He is your safety net. If you fall He will catch you, you don't have to be
afraid anymore. His arms are out wide waiting to wrap them round
His hurting little children
You may think nobody cares, but I tell you Jesus cares and knows you
already.
You may feel ashamed, afraid and lonely, just allow Jesus to love you
Spazz. He will restore you, so maybe you can one day help others
in the same circumstance as you.

Jesus Christ has given me a real purpose to live, not to just exist for a
while and then die, but to live an extraordinary and eternal heavenly
life now.
Hope something in my post helps you, with tears and love,
Wnl.

 

[Spazz]

Hi Spazz,
After reading your post, l must admit that I felt your hurt and a tear or two.
I have never wrote on this forum of my hurt as a child, but I feel compelled
to because I believe it might help you.

I will give you some background first, I am now 74yrs old married with
two daughters and four grandchildren.
I was saved from myself and this world at the age of 43yrs.

Without going into detail I was abused by a woman next door and a married
man across the road, I was robbed of my innocence and my childhood.
And even now if I think about it too deep I still cry today.
There are millions of abused people out there in the world.

What set me apart is that after I was saved, it set me free to tell my
wife and my elderly mother, it answered a lot of questions about my
bad behaviour as a child. I know if I hadn't been saved I would have
taken the secret to my grave.

As a Christian my past neaded to be revealed and delt with, so I employ
as I did ask Jesus for help.

Jesus spoke to me in my darkness. I heard it. I responded and He was
there waiting for me, I asked Him how long had He been waiting for me
to confess my past. He said, ' from the beginning'.
He is waiting for you too beloved, to feel His warmth and reassurance
He is your safety net. If you fall He will catch you, you don't have to be
afraid anymore. His arms are out wide waiting to wrap them round
His hurting little children
You may think nobody cares, but I tell you Jesus cares and knows you
already.
You may feel ashamed, afraid and lonely, just allow Jesus to love you
Spazz. He will restore you, so maybe you can one day help others
in the same circumstance as you.

Jesus Christ has given me a real purpose to live, not to just exist for a
while and then die, but to live an extraordinary and eternal heavenly
life now.
Hope something in my post helps you, with tears and love,
Wnl.

Hey man,

thanks for your post, and I’m sorry to hear what happened to you. I think it’s safe to say that I’m working on it now, and I think I found the best way to start.
One thing about me is that I’m very argumentative. Like, crazy argumentative. Irl and online. So being on this website, I’m able to post arguments and rebuttals, and sometimes I would use the Bible. In a way, it’s like I’m reading my Bible all over again and relearning that I used to know before. It’s actually pretty fascinating. I’m still skeptical about God and his existence, but it’s a start.
what me and my ex did was unforgivable. He touched me, but I let him. No matter how much I didn’t want to, I still let him. I can only hope that God could forgive me and get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. But until then, que sera sera.
Thank you for being one of the most, if not one of the only, loving and understanding people on this website. You’re words have touched me, enough where I think I’ll try this whole faith thing again. Maybe.

 

[Hekuran]

Hi Spazz,
After reading your post, l must admit that I felt your hurt and a tear or two.
I have never wrote on this forum of my hurt as a child, but I feel compelled
to because I believe it might help you.

I will give you some background first, I am now 74yrs old married with
two daughters and four grandchildren.
I was saved from myself and this world at the age of 43yrs.

Without going into detail I was abused by a woman next door and a married
man across the road, I was robbed of my innocence and my childhood.
And even now if I think about it too deep I still cry today.
There are millions of abused people out there in the world.

What set me apart is that after I was saved, it set me free to tell my
wife and my elderly mother, it answered a lot of questions about my
bad behaviour as a child. I know if I hadn't been saved I would have
taken the secret to my grave.

As a Christian my past neaded to be revealed and delt with, so I employ
as I did ask Jesus for help.

Jesus spoke to me in my darkness. I heard it. I responded and He was
there waiting for me, I asked Him how long had He been waiting for me
to confess my past. He said, ' from the beginning'.
He is waiting for you too beloved, to feel His warmth and reassurance
He is your safety net. If you fall He will catch you, you don't have to be
afraid anymore. His arms are out wide waiting to wrap them round
His hurting little children
You may think nobody cares, but I tell you Jesus cares and knows you
already.
You may feel ashamed, afraid and lonely, just allow Jesus to love you
Spazz. He will restore you, so maybe you can one day help others
in the same circumstance as you.

Jesus Christ has given me a real purpose to live, not to just exist for a
while and then die, but to live an extraordinary and eternal heavenly
life now.
Hope something in my post helps you, with tears and love,
Wnl.

Beautiful. Touched my heart too. Thank you.

 

[NYQueens977]

Hi Spazz.
I just want to tell you that it wasn't your fault, and I'm sorry on behalf of this forum for the response you've received.
What that man did to you was inexcusable. You mention that you remember telling him "no". Well, if he was a real man, he should've respected that "no", no matter how flimsy you think it was. If you are uncertain whether or not you want to move forward in a certain sexual act, then that should've never translated as consent. Consent is only defined as an enthusiastic yes. So, no, you're not to blame for what happened to you, and don't you ever think otherwise. I can only pray that the Lord convict that man's heart and reveal to him just how much his actions have hurt you, and pray that you may heal from these emotional wounds that have been inflicted onto you.
Now the problem with religion is that there's almost nothing to back it up. You could go through every single theological argument and dispute them with relative ease, and that's because, forgive me for saying this TalkJesus Community, but there is no proof for God's existence. There is nothing you can say that can inherently prove that God is real. Nothing I can say, no amount of Bible verses, and no amount of theological arguments can convince you that there is a God, and let me tell you why.
Because you are in a phase of skepticism, a phase of intense doubt that many christians go through when they begin the conversion to Atheism. Many people become Christians through faith, and it's because of that lack of faith that christians' revert to Agnosticism, which eventually turns into Atheism. Christianity is, whether others would like to admit it or not, is faith based. It relies on it's followers to have an undying faith that what the Bible says is true, and that God is, in fact, real enough to uphold the standards that the Bible sets for Him. The problem with anything faith based, however, is that people naturally want proof to back up their claim, no matter what that proof may be. That proof may just be a line of reasoning. Take Christians, who would take a feeling and use that as proof to justify their beliefs. The early church in the time of Galileo Galilee believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, and their "proof" was what they saw. I'm sure Thomas wanted to believe that his master and best friend was alive, but he needed proof in order to justify this newfound belief. This is completely natural, and don't let other people tell you otherwise.
However, if you really want to go down this road, then you need to be informed. If you now believe that there is no God, then you now have the burden of proof on your shoulders, just as how Christians have theirs to prove that there is a God. Read. Study theological arguments. Learn about the world around you. Can you explain how the world came to be if not for God? Can you explain how you were born? I'm sure you can if you read about it.
That's all I'm going to say. I'm not going to give you Bible verses or tell you to pray or anything, as you've already made it clear that that wasn't working for you. So the best thing I can do is wish you luck on your journey, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

 

[Reba1]

and you are still here !

 

[NYQueens977]

and you are still here !

Yes? Why?