I want to tell my story. . . The hard part is, I want to do so in a way that is inspiring, enlightening, a way that makes a difference. I start this blog with the prayer that God will give me the strength, courage, and humility to reach others. I only wish to help someone else find the love and forgiveness that Jesus Christ died to give us.
I always heard that brokenness is one of the main factors in accepting that you cannot do things on your own, and my experience has taught me that this is absolutely true. I am young, oftentimes dumb, and, of course, inexperienced. I know this, and now that I have the wisdom to admit it, I feel that I am a better person. God has shown me that I absolutely cannot do things on my own. None of us can. This is the story of my beginning, my end, and my epiphany.
My beginning.
I was born into a family that didn’t regularly look to God for answers; in fact, most of my family never looked to God for answers. They were going to do things on their own, thank you very much. My mother believes, and she tried to teach me by taking me to church, but dad started a huge debacle, saying that she was going to church to have an affair with the preacher, and, to end the conflict and avoid more problems than she already had, she let him win. Therefore, my paternal grandmother was really the only insight I had into religion. She brought me to church, sent me to vacation bible school, talked to me about “being saved,” but, the problem was, at my young age, I didn’t understand. Another problem was she attended a church that was chock full of hypocrites. I know that sounds harsh, but bear with me for a second.
We went to church one Sunday, and the preacher was giving a sermon on an instance in the bible where a man was getting married, so his friends threw him a party. I was allowed to watch pretty much whatever I wanted on T.V., and I had heard, on a show or movie, about a bachelor party. When he was explaining this scenario, that movie or show popped into my head, and I happened to say, “Oh, that’s a bachelor party.” Well, as a child, I had a loud voice, so, though I thought I was whispering, I said it to where he could hear it. He comes marching down the aisle, leads me up to the front of the church, stands me on top of a table and begins to rant about how parents let their kids get away with watching evil things on T.V. It was a valid point, but I don’t believe it was necessary to stand a 7 year old child on top of a table in front of an entire congregation. I was terrified and embarrassed! From then on, I had this fear and resentment toward religion and towards God; I thought I was a horrible person; therefore, God would never love me
I continued to go to church, go to bible camp, all those things, and I even got “saved” a couple times. The reason I put that term in quotations is because, at the time, I didn’t understand what that meant. I just thought it was what I was “supposed” to do. At the time when I did it, I felt different, new, changed. Then I would go home, and things would go back to the way they were. I didn’t read my bible, I only prayed when I wanted or thought I needed something, and I acted the same, if not worse, than I did before.
My life continued this way for years (Not that I’ve lived that many years), and I always had that clichéd feeling of “something missing.” I’d always thrown it off as being caused by my rough childhood (These days, it seems like everyone has a rough childhood). I used to like this quote that I happened to come across: “Not all who wander are lost” by J.R.R. Tolkien. I loved the idea of that, because I always felt like I was wandering around waiting for something stupendous to happen. I thought everyone was like this, and, in truth, a lot of people are, but I didn’t know that it could be different. Not until just recently did I find that it could, in fact, be totally and completely different.
My End.
Fast forward a few years to this past April. I had just been kicked out of my house; I was angry, frustrated, terrified, and cynical. I thought, “This is the way life has always been and will always be. If God truly cared, He would’ve done something a long time ago to help me, my family and friends, and everyone who’s ever been hurt, disappointed, victimized, or disillusioned.” I didn’t understand that God doesn’t work that way. My then boyfriend (At the time we had been together almost a year and a half.) and current fiancé had been very patient with my confusion and refusal to give God a chance, (It had been a recurring subject in our relationship.) but he finally just said, look, you need to just try. You keep looking to me for everything, but there is nothing I can do. You need to look to God.
My Epiphany.
So I tried. My mom had gotten me a book called The Power of a Praying Teen, and I started reading it. I started reading my bible. All of a sudden, I felt . . . safe. I felt this unexplainable comfort and hope. Since then, I’ve been on the amazing journey of finding and experiencing my own personal walk with Jesus Christ. That “something missing” has been fulfilled. I hope that my humble testimony can help someone who was in a similar situation. God can do anything and everything. All things are possible through Christ.
I always heard that brokenness is one of the main factors in accepting that you cannot do things on your own, and my experience has taught me that this is absolutely true. I am young, oftentimes dumb, and, of course, inexperienced. I know this, and now that I have the wisdom to admit it, I feel that I am a better person. God has shown me that I absolutely cannot do things on my own. None of us can. This is the story of my beginning, my end, and my epiphany.
My beginning.
I was born into a family that didn’t regularly look to God for answers; in fact, most of my family never looked to God for answers. They were going to do things on their own, thank you very much. My mother believes, and she tried to teach me by taking me to church, but dad started a huge debacle, saying that she was going to church to have an affair with the preacher, and, to end the conflict and avoid more problems than she already had, she let him win. Therefore, my paternal grandmother was really the only insight I had into religion. She brought me to church, sent me to vacation bible school, talked to me about “being saved,” but, the problem was, at my young age, I didn’t understand. Another problem was she attended a church that was chock full of hypocrites. I know that sounds harsh, but bear with me for a second.
We went to church one Sunday, and the preacher was giving a sermon on an instance in the bible where a man was getting married, so his friends threw him a party. I was allowed to watch pretty much whatever I wanted on T.V., and I had heard, on a show or movie, about a bachelor party. When he was explaining this scenario, that movie or show popped into my head, and I happened to say, “Oh, that’s a bachelor party.” Well, as a child, I had a loud voice, so, though I thought I was whispering, I said it to where he could hear it. He comes marching down the aisle, leads me up to the front of the church, stands me on top of a table and begins to rant about how parents let their kids get away with watching evil things on T.V. It was a valid point, but I don’t believe it was necessary to stand a 7 year old child on top of a table in front of an entire congregation. I was terrified and embarrassed! From then on, I had this fear and resentment toward religion and towards God; I thought I was a horrible person; therefore, God would never love me
I continued to go to church, go to bible camp, all those things, and I even got “saved” a couple times. The reason I put that term in quotations is because, at the time, I didn’t understand what that meant. I just thought it was what I was “supposed” to do. At the time when I did it, I felt different, new, changed. Then I would go home, and things would go back to the way they were. I didn’t read my bible, I only prayed when I wanted or thought I needed something, and I acted the same, if not worse, than I did before.
My life continued this way for years (Not that I’ve lived that many years), and I always had that clichéd feeling of “something missing.” I’d always thrown it off as being caused by my rough childhood (These days, it seems like everyone has a rough childhood). I used to like this quote that I happened to come across: “Not all who wander are lost” by J.R.R. Tolkien. I loved the idea of that, because I always felt like I was wandering around waiting for something stupendous to happen. I thought everyone was like this, and, in truth, a lot of people are, but I didn’t know that it could be different. Not until just recently did I find that it could, in fact, be totally and completely different.
My End.
Fast forward a few years to this past April. I had just been kicked out of my house; I was angry, frustrated, terrified, and cynical. I thought, “This is the way life has always been and will always be. If God truly cared, He would’ve done something a long time ago to help me, my family and friends, and everyone who’s ever been hurt, disappointed, victimized, or disillusioned.” I didn’t understand that God doesn’t work that way. My then boyfriend (At the time we had been together almost a year and a half.) and current fiancé had been very patient with my confusion and refusal to give God a chance, (It had been a recurring subject in our relationship.) but he finally just said, look, you need to just try. You keep looking to me for everything, but there is nothing I can do. You need to look to God.
My Epiphany.
So I tried. My mom had gotten me a book called The Power of a Praying Teen, and I started reading it. I started reading my bible. All of a sudden, I felt . . . safe. I felt this unexplainable comfort and hope. Since then, I’ve been on the amazing journey of finding and experiencing my own personal walk with Jesus Christ. That “something missing” has been fulfilled. I hope that my humble testimony can help someone who was in a similar situation. God can do anything and everything. All things are possible through Christ.
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