My fiancé's mother...

[audentia]

Hi. This is going to be long. Don't feel forced to read it, I understand if it's a bit complicated and stuff... And I don't know if it's in the right category... Thank you so much for viewing my post

I assume this is a classic, but it doesn't feel classic. It feels horrible.
In May this year my fiancé and I got engaged. I was supposed to move to Australia for one year, but we found out that we couldn't be apart for that long, so we decided to postpone my study plans in Australia, and go next year together. Lots of things happened at once. My fiancé had been planning to buy an appartment for the year that I was going to live in Australia, and his mother helped him find one about 50 meters from their house. But it was cancelled, as it wouldn't make sense to buy it for one year only. So that means even more change of plans. To sum it up, in about one month all this happened: I cancelled my planned study-trip to Australia, so that I could go with my fiancé the next year. He cancelled the appartment he was planning to buy, and decided to rent instead. We got engaged, and planned to get mary before going to Australia.

Well, yes, I can understand that this can be a lot to handle for his mother. Cause in the end that's what this post is all about... She's tried to convince my fiancé (and me I guess) that we shouldn't get married just because we've been together for a long time, that we should try living together before getting married, cause Christians look at pre-marital living individualy, and differently from eachother. I felt like any chance she got she would try to talk him out of it... Oh btw... by the time we got engaged we had been together for more than 5 years already... This naturally got both of us upset, and I didn't see any joy about the engagement from my fiancé. He didn't bring up the engagement, he didn't talk about it unless I did. This hurt my feelings, as I thought about the wedding, and plans... and so on all the time... I could understand him, but I said he had to do something about it, talk to his mother (she has a husband who seems to support her view as well). And he talked, and it seemed as they got to work things out, and she said as long as she knew that everything was good, she's OK.

So OK, I accepted her silent appology (she invited us, and I think she bought us an engagement present as well), and let it go. I've always tried to fit in to his family, treating everyone the best I can.

And now... well a some days ago his Mom called my fiancé and asked if we could take care of their dog while they were on vacation. She called the evening before they we're leaving. And sadly, I had to decline, as I've been moving this summer, and have lots to do... I've always said yes to watch her earlier. And so she got mad. I don't know if that was the trigger to something, but not many minutes after the telephone conversation, my fiancé got an sms. And they smsed. I don't remember which sms contained what, but my point;
she wrote something like; "you have changed so much, you don't call anymore. we are worried about you. how do you feel to be f.ex. controlled and brainwashed?" She asked my fiancé. I took this personally, and I think everyone would if they were me... His sister and her husband also reacted and thought it was unfair... After a while trying to explain himself, he turned off the phone.

Some days later he got an sms from his Mom, they were on vacation. It said that she hoped that he wasn't sad and cranky, and that they just worried about him, or something like that... And then he said how hurt I was because of her message about the brainwashing, and then she replied that she couldn't understand why I got upset, cause she wrote nothing about me... So he asked, who else? It took some time, and she replied that it could be his circles, enviornment... something. He couldn't understand what she was talking about, and told her so. I guess I'm in those circles anyways, so it still upset me. It seemed to me as she was trying to talk her self out it. So I thought she regretted what she said. I was wrong. My fiancé's sister had also told her mother how she felt about it, and thought it was very unfair. She talked to her, and told that her Mom didn't feel like she has done nothing wrong. So I guess she's not going to apologize anytime soon, unless God helps us with a miracle. I've told both my fiancé and his sister that all I need is an apology, and I'll forget everything. And I mean it. I've accepted the silent apologizes earlier, but I gotta end this bad circle. She's said so many mean things to my fiancé earlier, and also his sister's husband, who has been going through the same as I am going through now.

The thing is; you would probably say; talk to her, tell her how you feel... well we've tried that... but I feel as she's false right thru. Like her conversation with my fiancé about she was OK, if she knew that he was. It doesn't seem as she's OK with it. She says one thing, and you can tell she feels something differently... I am sorry to say this, but I think she has some mentally issues... I feel uncomfortable around her, and she's said to my fiancé's sister that she has noticed... I can't help it... I feel like I have to act around her... cause I feel like she thinks one thing, and speaks another... and I don't want to be false.

[edited, removed cause I find it unfair...]

Tomorrow is my fiancé's birthday. He will have two family parties, one with his Mom's family and one with his Dad's (They're divorced). I talked to my Mother today, and she supported me. I've decided not to come to the party with his Mom. I honestly don't wanna pretend that everything's fine, and that I accept the treatment I and we have gotten. I don't think my boyfriend is looking forward to the party, he just told me he thinks about this all the time...
What would Jesus do in this situation? What would you do? I've forgiven her before, and I will forgive her again, but not unless she asked for forgiveness. Am I doing the right thing?
Sometimes I just wanna run... But it won't help I guess.

Thanks so much for listening, it feels good to get to share it with you. I am might have forgotten some details, so if something is missing or misunderstanding, just ask, and I will do my best to correct it

Thank you!

God Bless

 

[Snowrose]

Hello audentia,

I am sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation. As frustrating as it is, as Christians we are to forgive and love those who have hurt us. What unforgiveness does to us is cause bitterness and anger to become rooted in us. Let this not happen to you. Believe me I am speaking from experience. It will only hurt you not to forgive.

There will be many times that we have to love the unlovable. In my case, I forgave my ex-husband for the hurts he has caused me without having an apology from him. But before I did, the Lord showed me the anger and bitterness that I had in my heart. Boy I didn't like what I saw.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4: 31-32)

Be a reflection of Christ's love to your soon-to-be mother-in-law. God bless you Audentia. You will be in my prayers.

Best wishes,
Snowrose

 

[audentia]

Hi Snowrose Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I really appreciate it. The Bible verse and your words are really so true. The thing is I wouldn't have a problem forgiving what she's done, if I knew she wanted forgivness. Cause I have to live with her. So I can't accept any kind of behaviour, and go on like nothing's happened. This time it's her job to admit she's done something, and I will forgive her right away. Actually I think I've forgiven her already, I'm just waiting for her to make a move, and hopefully ask for forgiveness. We pray, and I know God always listens. I am sorry about your ex-husband, and I am happy to know you have forgiven him. That's the best for all of you, and I am sure God showed you the right path. Thank you for having us in your prayers! Your in mine too! God Bless!

 

[rlowe]

Warning:

audentia, I recently read that resentment & unforgiveness hurt the one they come from more than the one they are aimed at.

 

[audentia]

Thank you for your reply. I know that I shall forgive, and that's not really the problem. I just wanna stop the chain of unfairness, if you see what I am saying? You can't always accept all kind of behaviour, but you can always forgive.

It's seems now as things are getting better, or at least I hope so. I know God is watching over as always, and that gives me comfort and peace. No one knows more about justice than Him.

Thank you the support

God Bless

 

[stephen]

Precious Sister

I hear your heart in your post...........life can be difficult with Jesus, I cannot imagine life without Him. I am asking the Master to sort your situation out, as I type. You, and Jesus know what is best, and I pray this will result.

God has a thousand ways, to answer every prayer, And when I stand in need, I know that He is there, No good will He withhold, from children of His care, A thousand ways has Jesus, to answer every prayer. Amen Amen Dear Lord.......

I am praying

God Bless You

 

[audentia]

Thank you so much Stephen... Thank you for your prayers and beautiful words... It's if as God spoke to me through you... It really touched me! Thank you!

 

[SpiritLedEd]

Jesus never taught us to "forgive IF....." He taught us to forgive "Not seven times, but seventy times seven times." Unforgiveness on your part only makes the situation worse because it hardens your attitude and blocks any chance of future healing,

If I were you, I'd be seeking Christian counseling on how to deal with a controlling, manipulative mother-in-law-to-be.

SLE

 

[Jehovah Jireh]

Sometimes when christians have plans and ambitions in their life, whether it be to get married or move to other countries, have these attacks from our enemy, these attacks can come from the very people we love, and can hurt us,

The first question we need to ask ourselves if its god will for us to be doing what we are doing?

Then if we are certain it is then we go ahead with his peace that passes all understanding no matter what situation we are in, we know God told us to.

Another thing i find is that when these attacks come from people, try not to look at them as personal, if these people are not born again then they are with the devil, therefore its a spiritual fight to get at situations in your life. These people need prayed for as they are under control of the devil like we once were.

I find that when we pick up our spiritual sword (Bible) and declare out loud the powers of darkness have to flee and bow down to the name of Jesus.

See when you speak Gods word to the evil spiritual realm we are exersising faith and we break these spiritual strongholds, by the authority that Jesus has given us.

If we have resentment and bitterness in our heart we cant listen clearly to god and will only eat away at us, its best to ask god to change your heart and forgive them once again

After all what did Jesus say when he was on the cross
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

you have the victory, dont look to the situation look to jesus

My prayers are with you

 

[Girl]

So i read your post, and it sounds like a huge bundle of stress..
Im familiar with the saying, you marry a man, and you marry their family, and that cant be too good for you, when his mother really dislikes you!

I think this woman has issues.. Maybe you are not the kind of woman, she wants for her son.. Maybe her expectations are waaay to high.. Maybe she doesnt like the idea of him moving away.. Maybe she thinks that you guys will end up bitter... Maybe she sees you as an enemy.. I dont know! There could be many reason's for her kind of behaviour. I personally think that she is acting incredibly childish.. I think she is starting some kind of drama, over absolutely nothing.. I think that SMS was totally uncalled for, and i personally would have been insulted. That is just, not on.. And i think that if she had a real issue with you she would be mature enough to talk to you face to face about it, rather than type a silly message behind your back... because her intention there would have been to secretly turn people against you..

I totally understand what you mean, when you say you'll be willing to forgive her, only if she asked for it. I understand, because ive said the same thing myself.. The responses here are telling you to forgive this silly woman, because thats the christian thing to do, and i agree.. Still, i think it would be nicer if she asked for it... or if she atleast apologised. Because its one thing to forgive someone, and then forgive them again, and again, and have them simply stomp all over you, and create all this stress in your life... (from my experience, being so, forgiving and letting people ruin your life, doesnt really work out so well... ) Infact you'll probably end up feeling weak... Now forgiveness is good... but dont let her continually hurt you, or create all this drama..

You say you've had a nice little talk, and that didnt do anything... but i think you should try this out again.... you should straight out conront her about how you feel, and take control over the situation... She has very little respect for you and i think you need to really get into her, and tell her off..

Obviously theres a huge issue here, and unless you lay it out and deal with it, the issue will always be there... if you simply forgive but dont act then the issue will get bigger and bigger...

Good luck!