Furious_Love
Member
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2005
- Messages
- 223
Bi-Polar can be frightening at its worst - ie. Psychosis, Schizo-affective Disorder, mania & depression. These are heavy weight bearing side effects to carry on one’s own. Psychosis at its height is the epitome of Bi-Polar; you are not your own. You become someone else; you think you are aware of what you are doing yet are not in control. Your individuality becomes one possessed by another entity apart from the Spirit God gave you when He became your one and only redeemer. Fearing no evil as a believer affronts the evil that is layed before you and played out before God. It is easy to malign a believers true knowledge of God with placating remedies and even going so far as to lay your plight as a simple spiritual remedy-which many well believing Christians do at times which I harbor no grudges at all for their opinion.
What was once taken for granted is an effort to get through at times. Life takes on a different angle when you suffer from these. Prior to my diagnosis I was a nurse helping others in their lives. It was a bitter pill to swallow being on the receiving end. Unwellness can strike anyone, I thought I was different. Imagine running a marathon and the amount of energy you would have used after running it. This is the norm for the life one lives. Life is precious so you want to get well amidst feeling you are gasping for air. Your thoughts hold you captive.
The days you are free from such feelings are one of Joy and you wonder how you survived thus far having them barraging you daily and on a continual basis. The joy I speak of also comes from your thought processes too which causes the feelings of despair. Breaking down these barriers when the darkness surrounds you, you see nothing but darkness. It suffocates you with feelings of helplessness and loss. Reason & the logical becomes null & void. The desperation to be separate from the malaise compounds your feelings because you cannot escape them with haste.
I am not mad at God; I don’t doubt His love for me. As the old verse states ‘because the bible tells me so’. If anything, I have leant on God for my sanity and to let all those feelings out on Him does not burden my family. My family tugs at my life-well and beckons me to be well. Due to the dampening of your feelings not much gets in to the core. You are arrested of hope. You are a prisoner of your own mind and the labyrinth surrounding your intellect.
What was once the norm of daily life becomes a wrestle of will; You are determined to be free if it takes your last breath. This is the hope I cling to, without it I would be in a foetal position rocking back & forth struggling with no hope and wishing things would just end. Suicide becomes the fleeting ruse to escape the torment. ‘What if’ enters your thoughts, what if this was just to end and all my troubles would have a finality befitting of a wake. You awaken from your slumber and cry out NO this will not be my last day. Others sadly follow through with a final resolve to end their woes. The resolve to live pulls you out of your imaginary grave. This is depression in a nutshell.
The poetry I write is my heart cry to Jesus the enigma. I have chased the Lord on many levels during my existence to escape the shackles to be free. Early on in my walk I prayed “Lord give me a humble & contrite heart”. I have become broken and am in need of repair is now my prayer. The struggles I face become a flippant almost nonchalant attempt to minimise the severity and desperate attempts to say nothing is wrong with me. Major or chronic depression is an ongoing sadness compared to what a normal depressed person could get over in a limited time frame. I realise we all get sad at sometime in our life; when those sad feelings never went away it became paralysing so much so that you begin to hate the associated feelings that overpower you. You know when you have had a good day living with it. My life to a degree has been if there is a problem-fix it and move on to the next chapter. Can you imagine the frustration that comes with major depression? Now add Bi-Polarity on top of your depression.
I have to believe there is something greater beyond the paradigm in which I live. My family fits the bill. I have used them to keep me grounded in those moments of choices that became a habit and leant on them. I have used them as a driving force to get well. It is difficult to express love in pity & denial. It is difficult to be confident as you once were being on mood stabilisers, anti-depressants, calmatives and anti-psychotic medications. As previously mentioned the medication dampen most things; taken in the right context and doses, can be of benefit. Having balance is important. Pre illness I had balance before an event that would change everything for 13 years and I was lost in a darkened place.
“God calls people out of their wilderness to come home”.
My Lord Jesus has been by my side always and I doubt not He has been urging me on to live life to the fullest that I am capable of doing. At times I did shed tears of sadness and asked God to take this cup from me. ‘Yes Lord’ I am willing to carry this till my days are over if it be your will becomes my answer. Am I afraid I will have another Psychotic episode? Yes I am, what you fear most may well happen and I am ready this time. The other times I did not read the signs until it was too late. It has taken thirteen years to come to terms with my malady, living in denial because somehow I was not the perfect Christian by having these problems was really a sign I was not well adjusted. I should have read that sign.
Acceptance of how you are gives you perception. We all have our strengths, it is working within our limits. Making the right choices daily helps build my strength to get well.
Family is so important when you do have Bi-Polar. I feel for those who have little to no support. I belong to a Mental Health outreach community support centre and I am moved to tears sometimes of the stories I hear. In the same breath I gain hope for the fortitude these people show.
My Psychiatrist openly acknowledges that I am an inspiration to others. I never thought about that before in all my thirteen years having Bi-Polar. In retrospect I can see the thin threads that have caused me to be where I am now. From Physical, Sexual and Mental Abuse it is not hard to see that it may have played a role in my demise. Sinking deep into the drug culture is another story I may share only to help others. It is not something I am proud of. Sometimes it was like robbing Peter to pay Paul just to get my fix. Praise God for breaking the shackles of addiction over my life. Amen.
My Redemption is paid in full. To come back from death is life.
God Bless.
What was once taken for granted is an effort to get through at times. Life takes on a different angle when you suffer from these. Prior to my diagnosis I was a nurse helping others in their lives. It was a bitter pill to swallow being on the receiving end. Unwellness can strike anyone, I thought I was different. Imagine running a marathon and the amount of energy you would have used after running it. This is the norm for the life one lives. Life is precious so you want to get well amidst feeling you are gasping for air. Your thoughts hold you captive.
The days you are free from such feelings are one of Joy and you wonder how you survived thus far having them barraging you daily and on a continual basis. The joy I speak of also comes from your thought processes too which causes the feelings of despair. Breaking down these barriers when the darkness surrounds you, you see nothing but darkness. It suffocates you with feelings of helplessness and loss. Reason & the logical becomes null & void. The desperation to be separate from the malaise compounds your feelings because you cannot escape them with haste.
I am not mad at God; I don’t doubt His love for me. As the old verse states ‘because the bible tells me so’. If anything, I have leant on God for my sanity and to let all those feelings out on Him does not burden my family. My family tugs at my life-well and beckons me to be well. Due to the dampening of your feelings not much gets in to the core. You are arrested of hope. You are a prisoner of your own mind and the labyrinth surrounding your intellect.
What was once the norm of daily life becomes a wrestle of will; You are determined to be free if it takes your last breath. This is the hope I cling to, without it I would be in a foetal position rocking back & forth struggling with no hope and wishing things would just end. Suicide becomes the fleeting ruse to escape the torment. ‘What if’ enters your thoughts, what if this was just to end and all my troubles would have a finality befitting of a wake. You awaken from your slumber and cry out NO this will not be my last day. Others sadly follow through with a final resolve to end their woes. The resolve to live pulls you out of your imaginary grave. This is depression in a nutshell.
The poetry I write is my heart cry to Jesus the enigma. I have chased the Lord on many levels during my existence to escape the shackles to be free. Early on in my walk I prayed “Lord give me a humble & contrite heart”. I have become broken and am in need of repair is now my prayer. The struggles I face become a flippant almost nonchalant attempt to minimise the severity and desperate attempts to say nothing is wrong with me. Major or chronic depression is an ongoing sadness compared to what a normal depressed person could get over in a limited time frame. I realise we all get sad at sometime in our life; when those sad feelings never went away it became paralysing so much so that you begin to hate the associated feelings that overpower you. You know when you have had a good day living with it. My life to a degree has been if there is a problem-fix it and move on to the next chapter. Can you imagine the frustration that comes with major depression? Now add Bi-Polarity on top of your depression.
I have to believe there is something greater beyond the paradigm in which I live. My family fits the bill. I have used them to keep me grounded in those moments of choices that became a habit and leant on them. I have used them as a driving force to get well. It is difficult to express love in pity & denial. It is difficult to be confident as you once were being on mood stabilisers, anti-depressants, calmatives and anti-psychotic medications. As previously mentioned the medication
“God calls people out of their wilderness to come home”.
My Lord Jesus has been by my side always and I doubt not He has been urging me on to live life to the fullest that I am capable of doing. At times I did shed tears of sadness and asked God to take this cup from me. ‘Yes Lord’ I am willing to carry this till my days are over if it be your will becomes my answer. Am I afraid I will have another Psychotic episode? Yes I am, what you fear most may well happen and I am ready this time. The other times I did not read the signs until it was too late. It has taken thirteen years to come to terms with my malady, living in denial because somehow I was not the perfect Christian by having these problems was really a sign I was not well adjusted. I should have read that sign.
Acceptance of how you are gives you perception. We all have our strengths, it is working within our limits. Making the right choices daily helps build my strength to get well.
Family is so important when you do have Bi-Polar. I feel for those who have little to no support. I belong to a Mental Health outreach community support centre and I am moved to tears sometimes of the stories I hear. In the same breath I gain hope for the fortitude these people show.
My Psychiatrist openly acknowledges that I am an inspiration to others. I never thought about that before in all my thirteen years having Bi-Polar. In retrospect I can see the thin threads that have caused me to be where I am now. From Physical, Sexual and Mental Abuse it is not hard to see that it may have played a role in my demise. Sinking deep into the drug culture is another story I may share only to help others. It is not something I am proud of. Sometimes it was like robbing Peter to pay Paul just to get my fix. Praise God for breaking the shackles of addiction over my life. Amen.
My Redemption is paid in full. To come back from death is life.
God Bless.
