Secondary to cerebral palsy, I have a dislocated hip that sometimes creates a legitimate need for strong pain control and I was prescribed Percocet ( first Vicodin) for it.
However, somewhere along the way, I started to run out early and going into withdrawal. The first time wasn’t bad. It was like having a cold.
They do say that every addict gets one easy-out pass, I have been blessed to get a second one and actually use it this time! How that happened and a lot of the in between stuff is this story!
I had been a born again Christian for something like 15 years and I was in evangelical seminary studying in be a missionary when the trouble started with running out of my medicine early. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I started taking more than I was prescribed in a day ( even back then I didn’t know why I started doing that but I did and it lead to withdrawal like I said.
The first time was manageable without telling anyone. The second time was also although the people closest to me thought it was strange that I would get the flu so soon after having a cold the previous month.
The third time I ended up in the hospital because of it, they assumed I had an infection and I just let them think it. They threw antibiotics at it like crazy but of course they never figured out what was going on.
In the middle somewhere, I learned about loperamide and figured I could use it to taper myself off opiates and yes I think that it likely does work for some people, but it didn’t for me. In fact I’m pretty sure that the mix of high dose loperamide and grapefruit juice damaged my liver but thankfully not quite at a level that would show up on lab work.
It still made me miserable. My feet swelled up and I couldn’t sleep which is the very first sign of brain damage from the buildup of toxins that your liver should be breaking down The technical term is hepatic encephalopathy: at the beginning you can’t sleep and at the end you don’t wake up)
In cases of serious liver problems, they treat these brain issues by giving the person strong laxatives to clear out the toxins and have them avoid animal proteins that create the toxins. So when I inadvertently took too much of a natural supplement called L-glutathione ( also an antidote for Tylenol poisoning in huge amounts) and I got severe diarrhea that landed me back in the hospital with “ stomach flu” I was amazed to hear that I had slept for 6 hours in the ER after not being able to sleep for a few weeks. I think that just confirms my suspicions about the liver damage because why else would something that caused diarrhea just happen to fix my sleep issues?
After the loperamide and grapefruit juice ( loperamide didn’t seem to have any adverse effect until the one night I mixed it with a few liters of grapefruit juice) my feet started swelling up any time I took Tylenol or anything else with a liver warning on the package and they still do.
By the way, doctors think that glutathione is not bio-available that is that it doesn’t impact the body, if it’s taken orally. From experience I can say that in the form of Glutathione it doesn’t but the form of the organic molecule known as L glutathione definitely does! Although after my very first experiment with taking a huge amount ( thinking that if it’s natural you can’t take to much) and after taking so much of it even afterwards but in frequent, smaller quantities, while trying to deal with swelling caused by the Tylenol in my prescription it doesn’t help nearly as much as it used to be it still helps somewhat with constipation.
My doctor gave me prednisone to help with my swollen feet and it’s still the only thing that consistently works for it. I have heard that prednisone is used for treating liver problems but I haven’t looked into the details about why it’s works or the Pharmacodynamics and pharmacokinetics ( how the medication acts and moves around inside of a person after they take it: I did mention in a previous post that I have Asperger’s syndrome with a special academic interest in medicine. Thus, I’m not just using words I don’t understand above: I can read medical journals but I did have to google the spelling because I am also dyslexic.
I guess I should say that I can understand medical journals but it helps a lot if someone or a screen reader is doing the actual reading. I once had a major argument with the guy who was working at my university’s tutoring program as the biology tutor. He kept telling me that he would not be able to help me with a medical journal article that wasn’t formatted in such a way that my computer program could read it aloud because he didn’t understand it. I told him that as long as he could read it, it would be fine and I could likely explain it to him ( and in part I did).
However I digress, so as I was saying, the loperamide and too much Tylenol likely caused sub-clinical liver problems that I am still dealing with and there is indirect evidence in my story to support this hypothesis
When I went to the ER about gall bladder problems I was really mostly bothered by withdrawal again. Yes I had gall stones but I knew about them long before and they weren’t really bothering me at the time. So, yes I’m saying that withdrawal lead to surgery indirectly but evidently the gall stones were like the most my doctor had ever seen anyone have( the surgeon told me as much). So, who knows? I probably would’ve had to have surgery eventually anyway.
wow, this is turning into the full unedited confession version of this story I think that this is what Celebrate Recovery calls doing a fourth step ( by the way guys, if anyone in my CR group reads this… if I ever do a step study, I will probably just refer the appropriate person to this material when it comes to step four… no reason to recreate the wheel as it were)
So yeah it was sometime after the surgery that I discovered Kratom and The Lord Jesus told me in a dream to switch exclusively to Kratom for my chronic pain issues and only use opiates for any short term issues that might arise.
Shortly thereafter, an actual run in with the stomach flu ( and the inability to eat that it caused) led to one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I went to the ER and I was silently praying for very strong pain medicine and I distinctly heard the Lord say “is 2 mg of IV hydromorphine enough?”
I laughed silently and replied,” yes anymore and I would likely be joining you tonight… which I would be okay with…so it’s up to you…but yes that’s great for dealing with this headache thanks”
Two was exactly how much they gave me too which confirmed that I heard the Lord. Moreover, the whole experience showed me that he was and is fine with me taking pain medication for short term use, when I really need it.
Despite the dream, I was afraid of what my doctor would think and say if I stopped taking my prescription so I continued to take in and switch to kratom to avoid withdrawal.
I was warned by a prophet years before that free of human opinion would significantly hinder my relationship with God if I didn’t deal with it. At the time though I didn’t see that attribute in myself and I wouldn’t have known how to deal with it if it had walked up and introduced itself ( which I guess having a prophet tell you about something like should be even more dramatic than an introduction but as they say hindsight is 20/20.)
All I can say is that prophetic word was spot on! I had a second dream, a much scarier one in which the Lord basically said that I had to make a choice was he in charge or was I? I very honestly said that I needed healing from the addiction and Jesus said Okay.
For about 2 years after, that I did switch to just kratom. I also did online classes on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach to addiction. And for a while I met with a therapist too. For a while things seemed to be going very well.
Then I unfortunately got some kratom that must have been contaminated with something because it made my feet swell up exponentially!
And after that they were infected and dripping fluid on the floor. I soon found myself in the hospital with the infection. Honestly I don’t know if the infection was somehow connected with the contaminated kratom ( it’s hard to envision the connection because although my feet swelled no open sores developed… at least not the first time, liquid and clear liquid at that just seemed to drip from my pores.
The swelling made it nearly impossible to transfer from my wheelchair. Therefore after I got home from the hospital, I was spending nearly 24/7 in my chair. That combined with the fact that swollen skin is more likely to break down meant that I eventually did get pressure sores on my feet from the footrests.
Then they really got infected: warning: gross medical picture to follow…. I’ll scroll a little in case anyone would prefer not to see, but, at one point the open area was literally green and it was taking baby diapers on top of the dressing to keep my leg and foot from leaving huge puddles on the floor:
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the scrolling is something I learned to do when interacting with other people who have dissociative disorders by the way… So like I said * May Trigger* : medical content:
So I was more or less ( and probably more) living out Isaiah 1:5-6:
Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing’s working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores— MSG
I honestly wasn’t just trying to be stubborn, though. I felt trapped in the addiction. I wanted to follow the Lord but again I was held captive by fear- this time it was fear of withdrawal.
Nonetheless, anyone who thinks that the idea that sin leads to death is either academic or entirely spiritual is mistaken. No I didn’t die but death is a process many times and sometimes it’s a slow gradual one… I was definitely heading that direction
I see the situation In Isaiah as relating to me because somewhere along the way I started switching between the Percocet and kratom again
That was before my leg looked like that picture and my regression didn’t last long because my insurance changed and that necessitated the need to switch primary care providers. After the switch I couldn’t get Percocet anymore.
Before my legs got as bad as the picture, my mom was pushing me to see specialists about the swelling in my feet even though I told her I knew what was going on and I also knew that since the underlying problem didn’t hit clinical markers that would register as abnormal on labs no one else would ever figure it out.
I kept saying that the Lord said he would heal me but physical stuff like my feet would be last because from God’s perspective Spiritual things triage first ( they are first priority issues), emotional issues seem to be the second priority and physical stuff comes last!
Yes there is at least one biblical account that seems to support the idea that Jesus works by triage and spiritual issues come first: In Luke Jesus heals a paralyzed man who was lowered through the roof of a house on a mat. However, his physical healing came after his spiritual issues were addressed:
Luke 5:18-26 MSG:
18-20 Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, “Friend, I forgive your sins.”
21 That set the religion scholars and Pharisees buzzing. “Who does he think he is? That’s blasphemous talk! God and only God can forgive sins.”
22-26 Jesus knew exactly what they were thinking and said, “Why all this gossipy whispering? Which is simpler: to say ‘I forgive your sins,’ or to say ‘Get up and start walking’? Well, just so it’s clear that I’m the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both. . . .” He now spoke directly to the paraplegic: “Get up. Take your bedroll and go home.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he did it—got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way.
I first realized the connection between the above passage and triage because of Bill Williams book, Naked Before God:the return of a broken disciple.
So, yeah I knew I heard Jesus say Okay when I said I needed healing and I knew he was the Great Physician and I could trust him to do it in the right order! If anyone knows the importance of triaging and handling injuries in the right order, it’s Him! My family was harder to convince though and for my part, I had no idea how much spiritual stuff there would be to sort out by the end of things, nor did I know how much time it would take!
Needless to say with my leg looking like the picture above, I ended up in the hospital again and I was in and out of hospitals and even nursing homes ( since I was in the hospital a long time and lost a lot of strength the drs thought that I would not be able to deal with things at home: they were at least right in thinking I would need a lot of extra help because I was completely unable to move myself from my wheelchair to the toilet, shower or my bed!
I eventually signed myself out of the last nursing home ( when the Lord told me it was okay to do so). However, even though I had His permission to go home I had no idea how I would manage at home.
He quickly brought some great freelance caregivers into my life whom my mom still pays, but when I left the nursing home it was a step of faith and the staff there thought I was crazy to leave so soon and without a plan… from their perspective I didn’t have a plan but my plan was stepping out and trusting the Lord to provide even though I didn’t know what it would look like.
So, the Lord supplied the help I needed and some much needed friendship ( part of emotional healing… Asperger’s makes it incredibly difficult to connect with friends. Moreover, some of these friends started helping me work through emotional trauma from my childhood: even if they might not have been aware of it.
Nonetheless, I was still stuck with fear of withdrawal even though kratom was managing it. And physically I was still a mess and in and out of the hospital a lot for leg infections.
Then, in October of last year, I got a stomach infection that was legitimately quite painful. Nothing would stay down and I ended up in the hospital, on strong pain medication, antibiotics and NPO ( nothing prescribed orally. It meant that all of my nutrition was supplied in huge IV bags ( called TPN: Total Parenteral nutrition).
When I got home from that I was even more afraid of withdrawal because the withdrawals from pain medicine are usually much worse than withdrawal from Kratom.
Thus, I stupidly got myself of Suboxone (drug treatment program) without asking the Lord about it first… I’m not saying suboxone is always a bad choice… I don’t know… it might be part of God’s plan of recovery for some people but it definitely wasn’t a good idea to just decide to do it without asking Him first.
Remember that mess of spiritual issues I mentioned? If I had spiritual problems before I really started to have them after starting suboxone.
I started having trouble praying because of spiritual warfare ( the enemy interrupting my prayers with their garbage thoughts). I didn’t realize that when you get addicted to something, it’s like you give the dark side an “ in” and they at least think they then have a right to mess with you .
Sometime: before the Lord showed me that I had lost my first love and he specifically used me verse in Revelation to talk to me about. The part about doing the first works again is why I will be repeating my baptism as soon as my latest scabs finish falling off my legs.
There’s some debate about what the “ first works” refers to but evidently quite a few people think it could mean baptism and the Holy Spirit hasn’t said I am wrong in thinking that is what He wants me to do.
When he said that I had lost my first love my automatic response was “ Wow that’s a heck of a diagnosis and he replied that we would get through it together.
Still, I didn’t drop the suboxone as soon as he said I should ( still terrified of withdrawals and most people will attest to the fact that Suboxone withdrawals make Vicodin withdrawals look like an enjoyable spring picnic).
So I was unwittingly and inadvertently digging the hole deeper as far as addiction was concerned. And that’s when the spiritual warfare got to be a serious hot mess!
If you know much about the culture of the United States Marines, you’ll understand what it means when someone who considers themselves a Marine’s kid ( nicknamed “ devil pup” since Marines have been called Devil Dogs since the battle of Belle wood).
The trouble praying got intense enough that I started writing prayer out in a journal like letters that don’t have to be mailed.
The spiritual enemies of our souls still tried to keep me from doing it. That was evident in that I would not feel tired at all and yet still to drift off with the pen in my hand!
At one point the enemy had my convinced that I committed the unforgivable sin because of the thoughts they ( demons) put in my head.
So, I started doing major research on what exactly blasphemy of the Holy Spirit really is, as well as what to do if you think you have gone over that event horizon!
After I saw a video by pastor Tim Conway of I'll Be Honest | Christian Videos | illbehonest.com I pressed in harder into seeking Christ. ( I plan to do a separate post on what that looked like logically to help other returning prodigals but everyone should realize it’s more about your heart than about some How-to formula).
I will briefly say that I sought out people who have the spiritual gift of prophecy and took their counsel seriously. And it’s important to say that I never told them much about what I was going through because I found that whenever I told anyone or tried to they would pull out their box of doctrinal band aides which only left me feeling like they weren’t really listening even though they were well intended and at least some of what some of the people I tried to talk to said in response to me was in fact correct.
The first breakthrough came when I got restored to ministry in a way that strikingly paralleled Peter’s experience.
In the midst of the thought battles I was having a major pity party and said something really stupid ( No, you don’t need to know what I said, just that I said it twice, outloud with no one else in earshot.
I felt horrible about it, and the next day as I was praying about it ( in my journal still) and reading the word, I had a vision, saw Jesus and ended up apologizing twice!
If you know the scriptures well, the parallels between my experience and Peter’s restoration to ministry will be immediately apparent. If not, the account is in John 21:15-25 basically Peter said something stupid that he didn’t mean, three times in the course of a night and he later ended up apologizing three times to Jesus for it.
I was still seeking out prophetic ministry pretty regularly and it wasn’t long afterwards that one of the people who was ministering to me said they saw Jesus tying up a demon and dragging it out of my living space.
From there prayer got easier and someone else ( also a prophet) told me just to focus on spending time with Jesus and letting him show me his love.
I did exactly what my friend said and soon began to physically feel like I was being hugged and held. I also got into reading the scriptures more and soon came across Isaiah 30:15-17.
As someone who has a partial child alter, who is or was looking for a keeper ( caregiver) the idea that I was allowed to just settle into complete dependency on Him was a major revelation. It was like “ you mean I can just be in kid headspace and let you be keeper?!
I eventually got this prophetic word from one of the ministries I approached.
Hello! This is Russ Walden responding to your prophetic request. — The Father says I’m going to get pushy in your life. I’m going to push down the altars of the idols that have demanded your worship and I’m going to push out the enemy that has encroached upon your territory. I say to you that you don’t have to keep asking Me about that anymore. You’ve asked, and you’ve pleaded, and you’ve begged and cajoled. You are about to see the response of Heaven to your anguished cry! I HAVE in FACT heard your cry says the Father. I have heard your cry and I am going to display My glory in your life to such a degree that the clouds of darkness and confusion will be BURNED away by the brightness of My coming. I am coming says the Father. I am coming into the earth, yes but I am coming into your situation. I say to you I am coming to show My power and show My glory and manifest My substance! The angel of My glory is stepping out into your situation and says “Enough!” He is declaring My declaration says the Father, “No More!” Can you feel it? Can you sense My hand descending on your life? Get ready, says the Father. Get ready for the joy that usurps, mourning that rejoicing that will redefine the hopes that you have hoped for in your life.
It wasn’t long after that that the addiction broke. I started tapering off the suboxone but the idea of jumping completely off still scared me. Jesus basically had to wrestle the stuff out of my hand ( remove the mental desire for it).
Most people don’t stop taking suboxone until they are down to at least 1/8 of a milligram and they still have a week or so of withdrawal that kratom won’t even touch.
I stopped when I was still taking 8 times that much and the freezing and sneezing started like 4 days later.
The first day I was really tempted to start taking it again but I prayed about it and I fell asleep and woke up later and the withdrawals were shut off.
They came back somewhat the next day but,it was psychologically easier to deal with and the temptation was not as bad.
I was waiting for a package of kratom I had ordered online ( it was taking ages to arrive) and about a week later when the withdrawal was really miserable, I discovered that a store about a block from my house had Kratom… anyone who takes kratom will appreciate just how rare that is… you can usually only find kratom online and if you do find a store with it it’s very low quality and potentially unsafe ( because other chemicals may have been added to it, Kratom by itself is very safe).
So, it was definitely the Lord’s provision that I have a store so close to me that sells kratom and it turned out to be very high quality too!
Amazingly I found that I only needed half the dose of Kratom compared to what I was taking before my wandering off into suboxone treatment. Most people have to increase their Kratom dose after being on suboxone for a few months ( I was on it for about 8 months and started at 6 mg a day)
Soon after that my legs and feet got significantly closer to their normal size and I regained the ability to transfer from my chair to my bed.
Furthermore, I found that prednisone started working again to help with the swelling ( I had gotten Covid-19 in one of the nursing homes… 3 times… and I was on prednisone for quite a while to help mitigate the symptoms of that. So, once I was tapered off it didn’t really work for a while and I had side effect that one doesn’t get from short term prednisone use and those are gone now too).
Yes, I’m still dealing with a skin infection on my legs but I’m am pretty sure Jesus told my what it is and I’m on the correct antibiotics for it, finally It’s not the first time He has shown me what protocol to use from medical journals. In fact, my mom keeps bugging me to find a new primary doctor and I’m just about to the point of telling her that I already have the best one… lol!
Although I still have a dressing on my left leg, I have scabs that are healing very well and nothing is draining! The dressing pads stay dry!
When I was on prednisone for so long to deal with Covid I gained a lot of weight ( one of the side effects I mentioned above) and I have lost that now, I am back to my normal weight or very close to it. In fact I had to buy a bunch of new clothes!
The changes in my health and abilities has been so fast and dramatic that one of my care aides actually asked what I was doing and if she would be able to replicate it… lol I’m not doing anything. I gave Jesus my unconditional “ yes” and Jehova Rafa has done everything as far as healing me.
What I mentioned above about telling my mom that Jesus is my primary M.D. brings up the other thing I have been healed from: fear of what others think! The issue, just isn’t an issue now… I would have been terrified to write something like this, especially on the internet before now!
So, I have been healed from that and I have discovered my calling, but I talked about that in my introduction post!
Here’s the latest picture of my feet by the way…
And those are from a few weeks ago. They look better than that now.
If pictures are worth a thousand words then those before and after pictures say everything. Jesus is the Great physician.
The Bible never says that God helps those who help themselves. In fact it says that Salvation depends on stopping efforts to save one’s self:
Isaiah 30:15-17The Message
17 God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me.
It also says that all who ask for help get help:
Romans 10:13-17 "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help."
All I can say to anyone wondering how to get their version of this break through is Come to Christ and settle down into complete dependence on him
However, somewhere along the way, I started to run out early and going into withdrawal. The first time wasn’t bad. It was like having a cold.
They do say that every addict gets one easy-out pass, I have been blessed to get a second one and actually use it this time! How that happened and a lot of the in between stuff is this story!
I had been a born again Christian for something like 15 years and I was in evangelical seminary studying in be a missionary when the trouble started with running out of my medicine early. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I started taking more than I was prescribed in a day ( even back then I didn’t know why I started doing that but I did and it lead to withdrawal like I said.
The first time was manageable without telling anyone. The second time was also although the people closest to me thought it was strange that I would get the flu so soon after having a cold the previous month.
The third time I ended up in the hospital because of it, they assumed I had an infection and I just let them think it. They threw antibiotics at it like crazy but of course they never figured out what was going on.
In the middle somewhere, I learned about loperamide and figured I could use it to taper myself off opiates and yes I think that it likely does work for some people, but it didn’t for me. In fact I’m pretty sure that the mix of high dose loperamide and grapefruit juice damaged my liver but thankfully not quite at a level that would show up on lab work.
It still made me miserable. My feet swelled up and I couldn’t sleep which is the very first sign of brain damage from the buildup of toxins that your liver should be breaking down The technical term is hepatic encephalopathy: at the beginning you can’t sleep and at the end you don’t wake up)
In cases of serious liver problems, they treat these brain issues by giving the person strong laxatives to clear out the toxins and have them avoid animal proteins that create the toxins. So when I inadvertently took too much of a natural supplement called L-glutathione ( also an antidote for Tylenol poisoning in huge amounts) and I got severe diarrhea that landed me back in the hospital with “ stomach flu” I was amazed to hear that I had slept for 6 hours in the ER after not being able to sleep for a few weeks. I think that just confirms my suspicions about the liver damage because why else would something that caused diarrhea just happen to fix my sleep issues?
After the loperamide and grapefruit juice ( loperamide didn’t seem to have any adverse effect until the one night I mixed it with a few liters of grapefruit juice) my feet started swelling up any time I took Tylenol or anything else with a liver warning on the package and they still do.
By the way, doctors think that glutathione is not bio-available that is that it doesn’t impact the body, if it’s taken orally. From experience I can say that in the form of Glutathione it doesn’t but the form of the organic molecule known as L glutathione definitely does! Although after my very first experiment with taking a huge amount ( thinking that if it’s natural you can’t take to much) and after taking so much of it even afterwards but in frequent, smaller quantities, while trying to deal with swelling caused by the Tylenol in my prescription it doesn’t help nearly as much as it used to be it still helps somewhat with constipation.
My doctor gave me prednisone to help with my swollen feet and it’s still the only thing that consistently works for it. I have heard that prednisone is used for treating liver problems but I haven’t looked into the details about why it’s works or the Pharmacodynamics and pharmacokinetics ( how the medication acts and moves around inside of a person after they take it: I did mention in a previous post that I have Asperger’s syndrome with a special academic interest in medicine. Thus, I’m not just using words I don’t understand above: I can read medical journals but I did have to google the spelling because I am also dyslexic.
I guess I should say that I can understand medical journals but it helps a lot if someone or a screen reader is doing the actual reading. I once had a major argument with the guy who was working at my university’s tutoring program as the biology tutor. He kept telling me that he would not be able to help me with a medical journal article that wasn’t formatted in such a way that my computer program could read it aloud because he didn’t understand it. I told him that as long as he could read it, it would be fine and I could likely explain it to him ( and in part I did).
However I digress, so as I was saying, the loperamide and too much Tylenol likely caused sub-clinical liver problems that I am still dealing with and there is indirect evidence in my story to support this hypothesis
When I went to the ER about gall bladder problems I was really mostly bothered by withdrawal again. Yes I had gall stones but I knew about them long before and they weren’t really bothering me at the time. So, yes I’m saying that withdrawal lead to surgery indirectly but evidently the gall stones were like the most my doctor had ever seen anyone have( the surgeon told me as much). So, who knows? I probably would’ve had to have surgery eventually anyway.
wow, this is turning into the full unedited confession version of this story I think that this is what Celebrate Recovery calls doing a fourth step ( by the way guys, if anyone in my CR group reads this… if I ever do a step study, I will probably just refer the appropriate person to this material when it comes to step four… no reason to recreate the wheel as it were)
So yeah it was sometime after the surgery that I discovered Kratom and The Lord Jesus told me in a dream to switch exclusively to Kratom for my chronic pain issues and only use opiates for any short term issues that might arise.
Shortly thereafter, an actual run in with the stomach flu ( and the inability to eat that it caused) led to one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I went to the ER and I was silently praying for very strong pain medicine and I distinctly heard the Lord say “is 2 mg of IV hydromorphine enough?”
I laughed silently and replied,” yes anymore and I would likely be joining you tonight… which I would be okay with…so it’s up to you…but yes that’s great for dealing with this headache thanks”
Two was exactly how much they gave me too which confirmed that I heard the Lord. Moreover, the whole experience showed me that he was and is fine with me taking pain medication for short term use, when I really need it.
Despite the dream, I was afraid of what my doctor would think and say if I stopped taking my prescription so I continued to take in and switch to kratom to avoid withdrawal.
I was warned by a prophet years before that free of human opinion would significantly hinder my relationship with God if I didn’t deal with it. At the time though I didn’t see that attribute in myself and I wouldn’t have known how to deal with it if it had walked up and introduced itself ( which I guess having a prophet tell you about something like should be even more dramatic than an introduction but as they say hindsight is 20/20.)
All I can say is that prophetic word was spot on! I had a second dream, a much scarier one in which the Lord basically said that I had to make a choice was he in charge or was I? I very honestly said that I needed healing from the addiction and Jesus said Okay.
For about 2 years after, that I did switch to just kratom. I also did online classes on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach to addiction. And for a while I met with a therapist too. For a while things seemed to be going very well.
Then I unfortunately got some kratom that must have been contaminated with something because it made my feet swell up exponentially!
And after that they were infected and dripping fluid on the floor. I soon found myself in the hospital with the infection. Honestly I don’t know if the infection was somehow connected with the contaminated kratom ( it’s hard to envision the connection because although my feet swelled no open sores developed… at least not the first time, liquid and clear liquid at that just seemed to drip from my pores.
The swelling made it nearly impossible to transfer from my wheelchair. Therefore after I got home from the hospital, I was spending nearly 24/7 in my chair. That combined with the fact that swollen skin is more likely to break down meant that I eventually did get pressure sores on my feet from the footrests.
Then they really got infected: warning: gross medical picture to follow…. I’ll scroll a little in case anyone would prefer not to see, but, at one point the open area was literally green and it was taking baby diapers on top of the dressing to keep my leg and foot from leaving huge puddles on the floor:
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the scrolling is something I learned to do when interacting with other people who have dissociative disorders by the way… So like I said * May Trigger* : medical content:
So I was more or less ( and probably more) living out Isaiah 1:5-6:
Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing’s working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores— MSG
I honestly wasn’t just trying to be stubborn, though. I felt trapped in the addiction. I wanted to follow the Lord but again I was held captive by fear- this time it was fear of withdrawal.
Nonetheless, anyone who thinks that the idea that sin leads to death is either academic or entirely spiritual is mistaken. No I didn’t die but death is a process many times and sometimes it’s a slow gradual one… I was definitely heading that direction
I see the situation In Isaiah as relating to me because somewhere along the way I started switching between the Percocet and kratom again
That was before my leg looked like that picture and my regression didn’t last long because my insurance changed and that necessitated the need to switch primary care providers. After the switch I couldn’t get Percocet anymore.
Before my legs got as bad as the picture, my mom was pushing me to see specialists about the swelling in my feet even though I told her I knew what was going on and I also knew that since the underlying problem didn’t hit clinical markers that would register as abnormal on labs no one else would ever figure it out.
I kept saying that the Lord said he would heal me but physical stuff like my feet would be last because from God’s perspective Spiritual things triage first ( they are first priority issues), emotional issues seem to be the second priority and physical stuff comes last!
Yes there is at least one biblical account that seems to support the idea that Jesus works by triage and spiritual issues come first: In Luke Jesus heals a paralyzed man who was lowered through the roof of a house on a mat. However, his physical healing came after his spiritual issues were addressed:
Luke 5:18-26 MSG:
18-20 Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, “Friend, I forgive your sins.”
21 That set the religion scholars and Pharisees buzzing. “Who does he think he is? That’s blasphemous talk! God and only God can forgive sins.”
22-26 Jesus knew exactly what they were thinking and said, “Why all this gossipy whispering? Which is simpler: to say ‘I forgive your sins,’ or to say ‘Get up and start walking’? Well, just so it’s clear that I’m the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both. . . .” He now spoke directly to the paraplegic: “Get up. Take your bedroll and go home.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he did it—got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way.
I first realized the connection between the above passage and triage because of Bill Williams book, Naked Before God:the return of a broken disciple.
So, yeah I knew I heard Jesus say Okay when I said I needed healing and I knew he was the Great Physician and I could trust him to do it in the right order! If anyone knows the importance of triaging and handling injuries in the right order, it’s Him! My family was harder to convince though and for my part, I had no idea how much spiritual stuff there would be to sort out by the end of things, nor did I know how much time it would take!
Needless to say with my leg looking like the picture above, I ended up in the hospital again and I was in and out of hospitals and even nursing homes ( since I was in the hospital a long time and lost a lot of strength the drs thought that I would not be able to deal with things at home: they were at least right in thinking I would need a lot of extra help because I was completely unable to move myself from my wheelchair to the toilet, shower or my bed!
I eventually signed myself out of the last nursing home ( when the Lord told me it was okay to do so). However, even though I had His permission to go home I had no idea how I would manage at home.
He quickly brought some great freelance caregivers into my life whom my mom still pays, but when I left the nursing home it was a step of faith and the staff there thought I was crazy to leave so soon and without a plan… from their perspective I didn’t have a plan but my plan was stepping out and trusting the Lord to provide even though I didn’t know what it would look like.
So, the Lord supplied the help I needed and some much needed friendship ( part of emotional healing… Asperger’s makes it incredibly difficult to connect with friends. Moreover, some of these friends started helping me work through emotional trauma from my childhood: even if they might not have been aware of it.
Nonetheless, I was still stuck with fear of withdrawal even though kratom was managing it. And physically I was still a mess and in and out of the hospital a lot for leg infections.
Then, in October of last year, I got a stomach infection that was legitimately quite painful. Nothing would stay down and I ended up in the hospital, on strong pain medication, antibiotics and NPO ( nothing prescribed orally. It meant that all of my nutrition was supplied in huge IV bags ( called TPN: Total Parenteral nutrition).
When I got home from that I was even more afraid of withdrawal because the withdrawals from pain medicine are usually much worse than withdrawal from Kratom.
Thus, I stupidly got myself of Suboxone (drug treatment program) without asking the Lord about it first… I’m not saying suboxone is always a bad choice… I don’t know… it might be part of God’s plan of recovery for some people but it definitely wasn’t a good idea to just decide to do it without asking Him first.
Remember that mess of spiritual issues I mentioned? If I had spiritual problems before I really started to have them after starting suboxone.
I started having trouble praying because of spiritual warfare ( the enemy interrupting my prayers with their garbage thoughts). I didn’t realize that when you get addicted to something, it’s like you give the dark side an “ in” and they at least think they then have a right to mess with you .
Sometime: before the Lord showed me that I had lost my first love and he specifically used me verse in Revelation to talk to me about. The part about doing the first works again is why I will be repeating my baptism as soon as my latest scabs finish falling off my legs.
There’s some debate about what the “ first works” refers to but evidently quite a few people think it could mean baptism and the Holy Spirit hasn’t said I am wrong in thinking that is what He wants me to do.
When he said that I had lost my first love my automatic response was “ Wow that’s a heck of a diagnosis and he replied that we would get through it together.
Still, I didn’t drop the suboxone as soon as he said I should ( still terrified of withdrawals and most people will attest to the fact that Suboxone withdrawals make Vicodin withdrawals look like an enjoyable spring picnic).
So I was unwittingly and inadvertently digging the hole deeper as far as addiction was concerned. And that’s when the spiritual warfare got to be a serious hot mess!
If you know much about the culture of the United States Marines, you’ll understand what it means when someone who considers themselves a Marine’s kid ( nicknamed “ devil pup” since Marines have been called Devil Dogs since the battle of Belle wood).
The trouble praying got intense enough that I started writing prayer out in a journal like letters that don’t have to be mailed.
The spiritual enemies of our souls still tried to keep me from doing it. That was evident in that I would not feel tired at all and yet still to drift off with the pen in my hand!
At one point the enemy had my convinced that I committed the unforgivable sin because of the thoughts they ( demons) put in my head.
So, I started doing major research on what exactly blasphemy of the Holy Spirit really is, as well as what to do if you think you have gone over that event horizon!
After I saw a video by pastor Tim Conway of I'll Be Honest | Christian Videos | illbehonest.com I pressed in harder into seeking Christ. ( I plan to do a separate post on what that looked like logically to help other returning prodigals but everyone should realize it’s more about your heart than about some How-to formula).
I will briefly say that I sought out people who have the spiritual gift of prophecy and took their counsel seriously. And it’s important to say that I never told them much about what I was going through because I found that whenever I told anyone or tried to they would pull out their box of doctrinal band aides which only left me feeling like they weren’t really listening even though they were well intended and at least some of what some of the people I tried to talk to said in response to me was in fact correct.
The first breakthrough came when I got restored to ministry in a way that strikingly paralleled Peter’s experience.
In the midst of the thought battles I was having a major pity party and said something really stupid ( No, you don’t need to know what I said, just that I said it twice, outloud with no one else in earshot.
I felt horrible about it, and the next day as I was praying about it ( in my journal still) and reading the word, I had a vision, saw Jesus and ended up apologizing twice!
If you know the scriptures well, the parallels between my experience and Peter’s restoration to ministry will be immediately apparent. If not, the account is in John 21:15-25 basically Peter said something stupid that he didn’t mean, three times in the course of a night and he later ended up apologizing three times to Jesus for it.
I was still seeking out prophetic ministry pretty regularly and it wasn’t long afterwards that one of the people who was ministering to me said they saw Jesus tying up a demon and dragging it out of my living space.
From there prayer got easier and someone else ( also a prophet) told me just to focus on spending time with Jesus and letting him show me his love.
I did exactly what my friend said and soon began to physically feel like I was being hugged and held. I also got into reading the scriptures more and soon came across Isaiah 30:15-17.
As someone who has a partial child alter, who is or was looking for a keeper ( caregiver) the idea that I was allowed to just settle into complete dependency on Him was a major revelation. It was like “ you mean I can just be in kid headspace and let you be keeper?!
I eventually got this prophetic word from one of the ministries I approached.
Hello! This is Russ Walden responding to your prophetic request. — The Father says I’m going to get pushy in your life. I’m going to push down the altars of the idols that have demanded your worship and I’m going to push out the enemy that has encroached upon your territory. I say to you that you don’t have to keep asking Me about that anymore. You’ve asked, and you’ve pleaded, and you’ve begged and cajoled. You are about to see the response of Heaven to your anguished cry! I HAVE in FACT heard your cry says the Father. I have heard your cry and I am going to display My glory in your life to such a degree that the clouds of darkness and confusion will be BURNED away by the brightness of My coming. I am coming says the Father. I am coming into the earth, yes but I am coming into your situation. I say to you I am coming to show My power and show My glory and manifest My substance! The angel of My glory is stepping out into your situation and says “Enough!” He is declaring My declaration says the Father, “No More!” Can you feel it? Can you sense My hand descending on your life? Get ready, says the Father. Get ready for the joy that usurps, mourning that rejoicing that will redefine the hopes that you have hoped for in your life.
It wasn’t long after that that the addiction broke. I started tapering off the suboxone but the idea of jumping completely off still scared me. Jesus basically had to wrestle the stuff out of my hand ( remove the mental desire for it).
Most people don’t stop taking suboxone until they are down to at least 1/8 of a milligram and they still have a week or so of withdrawal that kratom won’t even touch.
I stopped when I was still taking 8 times that much and the freezing and sneezing started like 4 days later.
The first day I was really tempted to start taking it again but I prayed about it and I fell asleep and woke up later and the withdrawals were shut off.
They came back somewhat the next day but,it was psychologically easier to deal with and the temptation was not as bad.
I was waiting for a package of kratom I had ordered online ( it was taking ages to arrive) and about a week later when the withdrawal was really miserable, I discovered that a store about a block from my house had Kratom… anyone who takes kratom will appreciate just how rare that is… you can usually only find kratom online and if you do find a store with it it’s very low quality and potentially unsafe ( because other chemicals may have been added to it, Kratom by itself is very safe).
So, it was definitely the Lord’s provision that I have a store so close to me that sells kratom and it turned out to be very high quality too!
Amazingly I found that I only needed half the dose of Kratom compared to what I was taking before my wandering off into suboxone treatment. Most people have to increase their Kratom dose after being on suboxone for a few months ( I was on it for about 8 months and started at 6 mg a day)
Soon after that my legs and feet got significantly closer to their normal size and I regained the ability to transfer from my chair to my bed.
Furthermore, I found that prednisone started working again to help with the swelling ( I had gotten Covid-19 in one of the nursing homes… 3 times… and I was on prednisone for quite a while to help mitigate the symptoms of that. So, once I was tapered off it didn’t really work for a while and I had side effect that one doesn’t get from short term prednisone use and those are gone now too).
Yes, I’m still dealing with a skin infection on my legs but I’m am pretty sure Jesus told my what it is and I’m on the correct antibiotics for it, finally It’s not the first time He has shown me what protocol to use from medical journals. In fact, my mom keeps bugging me to find a new primary doctor and I’m just about to the point of telling her that I already have the best one… lol!
Although I still have a dressing on my left leg, I have scabs that are healing very well and nothing is draining! The dressing pads stay dry!
When I was on prednisone for so long to deal with Covid I gained a lot of weight ( one of the side effects I mentioned above) and I have lost that now, I am back to my normal weight or very close to it. In fact I had to buy a bunch of new clothes!
The changes in my health and abilities has been so fast and dramatic that one of my care aides actually asked what I was doing and if she would be able to replicate it… lol I’m not doing anything. I gave Jesus my unconditional “ yes” and Jehova Rafa has done everything as far as healing me.
What I mentioned above about telling my mom that Jesus is my primary M.D. brings up the other thing I have been healed from: fear of what others think! The issue, just isn’t an issue now… I would have been terrified to write something like this, especially on the internet before now!
So, I have been healed from that and I have discovered my calling, but I talked about that in my introduction post!
Here’s the latest picture of my feet by the way…
And those are from a few weeks ago. They look better than that now.
If pictures are worth a thousand words then those before and after pictures say everything. Jesus is the Great physician.
The Bible never says that God helps those who help themselves. In fact it says that Salvation depends on stopping efforts to save one’s self:
Isaiah 30:15-17The Message
17 God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me.
It also says that all who ask for help get help:
Romans 10:13-17 "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help."
All I can say to anyone wondering how to get their version of this break through is Come to Christ and settle down into complete dependence on him
