luckydogger
Member
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2005
- Messages
- 2
I have to start at an early age around 5 or 6. My mom would always send my sister and I to Sunday school. I remember at a very young age, knowing there was a God. I remember I would walk to school singing songs to him. (They weren’t songs I learned in church, just ones that I would make up on my way lol).
My mother gave us way too much freedom for such a young age. I was allowed to go to the YMCA by myself to go swimming, play ball and get into as much trouble a 7 year old could find. This is where my life turns for the worse.
One of the staff members at the YMCA (who was also a school teacher, preacher, and business owner) befriended me. My family loved him! He was such a pillar of his community and because my father had left, my mother felt blessed to have such a strong male role model for me.
He would drive over from PA to NY to pick me up, then we would go to the YMCA, and then he would take me to Burger King. It didn’t take long for me to start asking my mom to spend the night with him. He owned a water well drilling business and I thought that was so cool.
It would be the first night I spent with him that would stick with me forever. This is the first time that he molested me (I wish I could say that it was the last too!). I also wish I had enough strength to tell someone but I didn't. I kept it to myself and for 10 years he continued to molest me.
It wasn't until I was 17 years old I told someone and that was my brother. Because he lived in PA and I in NY, we had to go to the state troopers in PA. I remember walking in and there were only 2 or 3 troopers there in the beginning. They brought me into a room and I told my story. I was so ashamed but they were all so understanding.
They comforted me by telling me what a great job I was doing. When it ended there where 5 to 6 troopers there, walking in and out of the room. Sometimes they would leave the door open and I would hear them talking to each other in the hall saying “Yes! We finally got him! This is our chance!” In my mind I could picture them giving each other high fives.
After witnessing this I regretted not coming forward a long time age. You have to understand, I didn't do any of this for me. I did it because I was afraid he was hurting or would hurt another child. It took another 3 years before we were in court. He was found guilty and sent to prison for 20 years. (Wow…even now, sitting here thinking about that day is still hard and overwhelming even though we won)
Going back to about age 9 or 10, I found myself hating God and resenting him more and more. I remember asking him “Why are you just sitting there?, Why are you letting this happen to me?, I am sorry for what ever I did wrong to upset you…please make him stop!” But through the years with what seemed as no answer, my hate for God became grew until it consumed me.
I knew there was a God but I felt abandoned and alone. I believed that he didn't care for me so why should I care about him or anyone that did. My life after the fact included selling drugs and drinking. I went to jail and tried to commit suicide. I was having sex with as many girls as I possibly could. I never in my life had a girl friend that I didn't cheat on. Sex was meaningless for me and so were anyone else’s’ feelings. I didn't care what anyone thought about me. (I am sorry I am trying to make this short).
Well I found myself falling in love with my girlfriend (now she’s my wife) and didn't expect that! lol I had to straighten up a little. This is when I was trying to find the answers I needed from God. I think I was 22 or 23 years old.
I wanted to know: Why he let this happen to me? Why didn't he stop it or take me home to be with him or take him?...Anything just why did he let this go on? The search went on and on but no one gave me the answer I needed. All I heard was “Well, everything happens for a reason.” (Blah blah blah)
This went on until one day the Lord was up to something. I felt like he was poking at me all day. I remember thinking “Wow! Would you please stop just leave me alone?” I went down town for smokes and pop. On my way, I passed a church and there was a man mowing the yard. I told God that if the man was there when I came back, I would stop and tell him what a ruthless and heartless God he was, and how stupid the man was for following an uncaring God.
Well as you can guess, on my way back home he was still there mowing the yard. So I did what I said I was going to do. I pulled in, parked my truck, and he shut the lawn mower off. He walked toward me smiling and reaching out to shake my hand.
The first thing that came stumbling out of my mouth was, “Why? Why does God hate me so much? I never did anything to deserve what I have been through! Why would he let someone preach his word and do unspeakable things to his children?” I couldn’t stop the tears running down my face. I wasn’t going to cry. I didn’t want to show him or God I was weak.
I noticed his eyes watering up and he reached out, grabbed me, and hugged me. I didn’t really have a choice about this as he was 6'4 or 6'5 about 230 lbs. But he had something! Still to this day, I remember when he grabbed me it was like God himself grabbed me and held me. It felt like hours!
While we were talking, he allowed God to speak through him, and I heard something that no one else had ever said to me. He said “We all have choices. God didn’t make him do all those things to you. Those were his choices… all God did was hold on tight to you, and continue to love you. And I know you don’t believe me but he does love you so much! That’s why he pushed you to me today. He wants you back loving him and talking to him. That man will pay! God said vengeance is mine.”
Well that was it I knew I had to learn how to move on from this and get back to loving God! And wow!! He made it so easy. We build these walls for years trying to keep everyone out and in one day God can tear them down! What a great and powerful God I have! What a wonderful life I have! The Lord is so great and full of love!
I can’t believe I didn’t realize that I was pushing him away time after time. I wish I could say after this life was perfect! lol But it’s a day to day struggle. The only difference is that now I have the Lord on my side, Him loving me and me loving Him. The only thing I need is God on my side. I am 32 now and married with 2 little boys of my own. I am not a victim anymore I am a surviving victim....
My mother gave us way too much freedom for such a young age. I was allowed to go to the YMCA by myself to go swimming, play ball and get into as much trouble a 7 year old could find. This is where my life turns for the worse.
One of the staff members at the YMCA (who was also a school teacher, preacher, and business owner) befriended me. My family loved him! He was such a pillar of his community and because my father had left, my mother felt blessed to have such a strong male role model for me.
He would drive over from PA to NY to pick me up, then we would go to the YMCA, and then he would take me to Burger King. It didn’t take long for me to start asking my mom to spend the night with him. He owned a water well drilling business and I thought that was so cool.
It would be the first night I spent with him that would stick with me forever. This is the first time that he molested me (I wish I could say that it was the last too!). I also wish I had enough strength to tell someone but I didn't. I kept it to myself and for 10 years he continued to molest me.
It wasn't until I was 17 years old I told someone and that was my brother. Because he lived in PA and I in NY, we had to go to the state troopers in PA. I remember walking in and there were only 2 or 3 troopers there in the beginning. They brought me into a room and I told my story. I was so ashamed but they were all so understanding.
They comforted me by telling me what a great job I was doing. When it ended there where 5 to 6 troopers there, walking in and out of the room. Sometimes they would leave the door open and I would hear them talking to each other in the hall saying “Yes! We finally got him! This is our chance!” In my mind I could picture them giving each other high fives.
After witnessing this I regretted not coming forward a long time age. You have to understand, I didn't do any of this for me. I did it because I was afraid he was hurting or would hurt another child. It took another 3 years before we were in court. He was found guilty and sent to prison for 20 years. (Wow…even now, sitting here thinking about that day is still hard and overwhelming even though we won)
Going back to about age 9 or 10, I found myself hating God and resenting him more and more. I remember asking him “Why are you just sitting there?, Why are you letting this happen to me?, I am sorry for what ever I did wrong to upset you…please make him stop!” But through the years with what seemed as no answer, my hate for God became grew until it consumed me.
I knew there was a God but I felt abandoned and alone. I believed that he didn't care for me so why should I care about him or anyone that did. My life after the fact included selling drugs and drinking. I went to jail and tried to commit suicide. I was having sex with as many girls as I possibly could. I never in my life had a girl friend that I didn't cheat on. Sex was meaningless for me and so were anyone else’s’ feelings. I didn't care what anyone thought about me. (I am sorry I am trying to make this short).
Well I found myself falling in love with my girlfriend (now she’s my wife) and didn't expect that! lol I had to straighten up a little. This is when I was trying to find the answers I needed from God. I think I was 22 or 23 years old.
I wanted to know: Why he let this happen to me? Why didn't he stop it or take me home to be with him or take him?...Anything just why did he let this go on? The search went on and on but no one gave me the answer I needed. All I heard was “Well, everything happens for a reason.” (Blah blah blah)
This went on until one day the Lord was up to something. I felt like he was poking at me all day. I remember thinking “Wow! Would you please stop just leave me alone?” I went down town for smokes and pop. On my way, I passed a church and there was a man mowing the yard. I told God that if the man was there when I came back, I would stop and tell him what a ruthless and heartless God he was, and how stupid the man was for following an uncaring God.
Well as you can guess, on my way back home he was still there mowing the yard. So I did what I said I was going to do. I pulled in, parked my truck, and he shut the lawn mower off. He walked toward me smiling and reaching out to shake my hand.
The first thing that came stumbling out of my mouth was, “Why? Why does God hate me so much? I never did anything to deserve what I have been through! Why would he let someone preach his word and do unspeakable things to his children?” I couldn’t stop the tears running down my face. I wasn’t going to cry. I didn’t want to show him or God I was weak.
I noticed his eyes watering up and he reached out, grabbed me, and hugged me. I didn’t really have a choice about this as he was 6'4 or 6'5 about 230 lbs. But he had something! Still to this day, I remember when he grabbed me it was like God himself grabbed me and held me. It felt like hours!
While we were talking, he allowed God to speak through him, and I heard something that no one else had ever said to me. He said “We all have choices. God didn’t make him do all those things to you. Those were his choices… all God did was hold on tight to you, and continue to love you. And I know you don’t believe me but he does love you so much! That’s why he pushed you to me today. He wants you back loving him and talking to him. That man will pay! God said vengeance is mine.”
Well that was it I knew I had to learn how to move on from this and get back to loving God! And wow!! He made it so easy. We build these walls for years trying to keep everyone out and in one day God can tear them down! What a great and powerful God I have! What a wonderful life I have! The Lord is so great and full of love!
I can’t believe I didn’t realize that I was pushing him away time after time. I wish I could say after this life was perfect! lol But it’s a day to day struggle. The only difference is that now I have the Lord on my side, Him loving me and me loving Him. The only thing I need is God on my side. I am 32 now and married with 2 little boys of my own. I am not a victim anymore I am a surviving victim....
