PernellRodocker
Member
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2011
- Messages
- 64
She had no idea that I posted this!
What I want and what I have learned and what is important to me…. and more
I think that after a season of 4 years of not having any money I have learned that things and spending money on useless stuff is not what is important to me. I can walk all over toys r us with two preschoolers and walk out without buying anything. I think that says a lot. I even had stuff in the cart to buy but after looking it over and thinking where is this going to end up and is it worth the money to get this. Well the answer was no so I walked away. My life is not about things or shopping as some may think. I can go without it doesn’t really bother me. I don’t need flashy things to make me happy, lots of make up, or any of that stuff. Even though sometimes when I look in the mirror I think a little cover up would help to make me appear younger or something. But then I think no it will just make me feel fake I am who I am like it or not this is the way God made me this is the way I will be. I get so upset and mad cause I just don’t see no end to our financial problems. And the end that I am looking at is for the future, to be able to do a road trip spending time together, or to be able to afford for you to take off of work so we can both together visit our boys and family in Florida or in Arkansas or wherever. I would love to be able to go out to lunch with people from church and not worry if we can afford it or not, it is not about buying the food it is about the fellowship with other people that I am looking for. It seems that in this world today if you want to go places or do things that create memories and can let you let others see what God is doing in my life, right now I am stuck, I don’t see anything in our future except what we have now. All these things around me I can do without. It is just clutter and stuff. And it is all a bit overwhelming to me anyways. Having a relationship with God is important to me and yes I know I am not where I ought to be with what I should be doing and I know that God is always working on me, God is always here with me and always accepts me for the good and the bad. My husband is a real concern for me right now. I love him and I know or hope he loves me but there is something wrong with our relationship something that makes me so angry I can’t even think about it without tears coming to my eyes. When did we lose the intimacy in our marriage? Oh wow a simple kiss or hug or I love you but what about the deep meaningful intimacy between a husband and a wife. It is no longer there. And it makes me scared and lonely. Sometimes I feel like we are just too lazy to take the time to be intimate with each other. Separate lives and it is scary to me. Very scary cause I see us at the bottom of the triangle stuck. And separated from each other. Just living day to day just to get by. I want more. My family Is very important to me, two boys live so far away don’t matter what got me here or whose choice it was or the reason for moving we are here they are there and it hurts me everyday not to be a part of there lives. I know I have to accept that, I try my best to do so. And now with our angel in prison even though I really believe she is where God wants her right now it is still hard not talking to her or seeing her. Before she went we texted each other all during the day and now that is gone. I miss her. And then our son and daughter-in-law, you know how I feel even though there were problems that cause us to leave the problems are solved and now we are struggling to make it well actually we really aren’t making it cause I have to borrow money all the time from our other son, and then our second son is trying his best to keep up his household. I just can’t help the feeling like we dumped on him and left him stranded and it kills me inside seeing his daily struggle. Yes I know we did it and so have thousands of other people but I also know that if it is in my power to do something that is good I should do it but then why and I told to choose, I can’t choose, I want to be with my husband I don’t want to move away from him, the thought makes me sick and the thought that anyone would say to just send me away like I was some kind of a problem just make me feel even worse, useless and unnecessary, undeserving of the one person who I love the most, I feel like a piece of trash, what can help that, I really don’t know. I know a lot of crap has been said that is hurtful and I have said it and so has others. When someone tries to do my work for me it pushes me deeper into the hole I feel like I am in. I close up and try and blend in with the wall. I hate myself. Did my dumbness get us into all this trouble? I don’t know. I want to do what I know needs to be done and I want to be a good wife and mom and grandma, but really I don’t cause I don’t do what I need to do when it needs to be done and I don’t take my time with the grandkids and I feel deep down inside that I messed up two of my boys living situation. Everyone I am sure knows why, I feel like I dumped the house on our son in Florida and now our second son is stuck with a house that he don’t need. Yes they chose to buy those houses but they did it with us in mind. We were their main thought, for our first son we wouldn’t of been able to sell that house when we moved it would of ended up going back to the bank, because we don’t pay our bills we walk away and let people sue us. We do it all the time, and our second son, well everyone knows his main focus when buying a house was to make sure there was enough room for mom and dad and our angel. And now look we dumped on him and he is stuck. And no one seems to care but it breaks my heart. I know deep down inside that they could of gotten a newer nicer house for cheaper but they didn’t they wanted to make sure we were taken care of. Maybe it is the mom in me I don’t know or maybe it is just me but I feel responsible, if we were half as good as our boys are with our money while living the last 27yrs then maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today, I ask God for forgiveness for not handling our money the way we should have but then I thought that things were important and buying stuff just to have it was a good thing. Not taking care of what we had and just throwing away things that we brought and probably didn’t pay for cause we took advantage of the credit companies. So now we are still suffering for all that but I believe that God can help us out of it all. Whether it is to pay all the money owed or to start fresh with out them. I don’t know what the answer will be. I do know that all that was purchased well lets just say most of it is now gone. I see our things deterating right before our eyes and all I hear is I am waiting on God. This place was good for a season I believe the season is gone and our focus needs to change. Why am I the only one who sees this? I always thought that it really didn’t matter where we lived as long as we lived together. When I see all the things or stuff that has gone on in the past few months I can’t help but think that God is trying to tell us something. I believe He has given us a way out and I also believe that we both would be giving up a lot, but the small sacrifice that we make today might just be a huge reward when we are done. I really don’t see us living in Delaware for the rest of our lives. What is the big deal about moving? I have no ties here at all. I don’t belong here at all. I am only here for one reason and that is to help with grandchildren. And right now I stink at it. I am so ready to give up everything just to get the job at hand done and move on with our lives. I hate throwing our money away every month. Our second son has said that he would help us out as much as possible. He has even given the money to pay the car at a cheaper interest rate. He didn’t have to do that I didn’t even have to ask him he just did it cause he wants to help us. I hear so many times in the past few months that your kids are the future what you make or do in your life lives on in your children and grandchildren. Family is important. Helping each other is important. Being there for each other is important. Living the way I am living is not doing a thing to help family or to do my part in the whole move plan. I hate that we are walking away once again from doing what I truly believe we should be doing. Why can’t we be on the same page for doing unto others? Why do we always take the easy way out even though in my eyes this is not the easy way? Why do we always escape from family or friends? Why why why? So we can be alone together. Cause that is not the answer cause when we are alone together there is just as much silence and loneliness as if I am by myself. Believe me I have really thought about what it would be like to give up our freedom of being here alone, not being bothered. I have thought about it a lot. And sometimes I am just like well I am better off here, alone, but am I really, I don’t think so as I am writing this cause it is just making me more isolated and lazy. Actually depressed. This land this house means nothing to me except making things harder on us. I am trying so hard to accept the fact that this is where you want to be where you want us to be, that I am not sure. I really think God is working on us to bring us closer to our family commitments. For father and son to work together to get a job accomplished. I heard people who know nothing about our fighting over where to live say out loud that maybe it is your sons who will help you find out which of your talents you should use. Why shouldn’t family help family why shouldn’t son help father and father help son? This is the child of your loin. You made this person he is part of you. Take pride in your sons. Don’t look at that with discussed or bitterness. I just can’t help seeing you wanting to rip us from our family and be lonely together somewhere. It can’t happen, cause I would go nuts! I can’t walk away from family like you have. Please look at the way things are. You have totally disowned your family have nothing to do with any or them. That is sad very sad and I feel like you would be totally happy doing the same with our sons and daughter, to detach yourself from them completely. It can’t happen like that. I won’t let go of our family. My family. When you chose to get married and have a family it was a lifetime commitment and in my choosing to have a husband and family was not to separate myself from my family but to grow with them and have life with them till death. I know that moving in with our second son would take a lot of space away from us. I also know that it can bring us closer together too. That is one of the big reasons why I told our second son I wanted our own entrance and I wanted the whole room not just part of it shared with a bunch of crap the way it was before. That wasn’t the best for us. And I believe that if we all took the time to work together we could have a nice place and a good life for this time looking at 2 to 4 years until our next adventure begins. Or maybe I am wrong and maybe we will stay here longer. But I know that I want us to be able to drive our vehicles and be able to have food in the fridge and freezer. And be able to stop and take the time to go and visit our other children. Or family. To be able to say to our pastors hey lets go out to lunch and be able to pay for the bill because we could afford it. We never get to do anything like that and I think what a nice blessing it would be. I am just so tired of cutting our relationships or staying home and missing out cause we don’t have the money. Just like camping last year, we couldn’t go because we didn’t have the money. Here we were with all the equipment to be able to go but not able to go because of our finances. How sad is that? We are married for 27years and not a cent to our name. Maybe when I was younger I didn’t see the importance of saving for our future I know we were always living week to week. But now I see a way out a way so that we can get somewhere in live. To be able to say I have a toothache and go to the dentist and pay the bill cause we can. It kills me to know that our teeth are falling apart and even though we have insurance we can’t get our teeth fixed cause we don’t’ have a single cent to our names. Why can’t we let our second son help us out and why can’t we just deal with their family living in the other side of the house. Why can’t we sacrifice to have more for us, to take care of our needs? What if this is what God has for us what if this is Gods answer to your prayers and you keep saying nope waiting on the Lord to bless me or take me? What if this is Gods way of hitting you upside the head saying here is your way out. And you keep walking away thinking you are doing the right thing. How many more things do you have to see go wrong before you wake up and see that God has the answer for us right here. Why are you so blinded or closed minded to what possibly God wants of us. Look at the messages at church. They reach back to what you leave behind. Touching people. We should be at the top of the triangle and our lives should be trickling down to our children and into their lives. But instead we are so far apart that nothing of us is doing what I would believe that God would have us do. Why does it seem so easy to say you would give up everything to help out strangers but when it comes to your own family it is a problem. Why that is what I want to know.
I had no intentions of being out of this place before Christmas, I don’t know why I am so angry I want to have a wonderful holiday season together with our family and with each other. And one last thought because my wrists are killing me from typing. What comes out of my mouth is what is in my heart. Well just in case you haven’t noticed there is a lot of bad words coming out of my mouth because it is always on my mind that we haven’t had intimacy in so long that that is what is in my heart. I am thankful I have a loving husband and that he has a job and that he helps me when I need it. Thank you.
Since my wife wrote this we have both seen that it was best for us to wait on the Lord. We have stayed where we were. Our cabinets and fridge is full. Two of three vehicles are not working. I had all my upper teeth pulled and we are waiting for God to bless us with the finances to get dentures. Our biggest thing now is that she wants to be with all four of our children at the same time and with the two grandchildren and the one on the way, as well as her 89-year-old father. We are hundreds of miles from all our family. We are with two of the grandchildren and their parents in the same city. Now she was upset that when our next grandchild is born she wont get to be the grandparent in the child’s life and that some other people that have no ties what so ever with my son other than they gave him a job, will be like grandparents to them. I can’t give her all she wants… So pray… and bear our burdens… bless you!
PS... I hope I edited out anything not "christian" like...
What I want and what I have learned and what is important to me…. and more
I think that after a season of 4 years of not having any money I have learned that things and spending money on useless stuff is not what is important to me. I can walk all over toys r us with two preschoolers and walk out without buying anything. I think that says a lot. I even had stuff in the cart to buy but after looking it over and thinking where is this going to end up and is it worth the money to get this. Well the answer was no so I walked away. My life is not about things or shopping as some may think. I can go without it doesn’t really bother me. I don’t need flashy things to make me happy, lots of make up, or any of that stuff. Even though sometimes when I look in the mirror I think a little cover up would help to make me appear younger or something. But then I think no it will just make me feel fake I am who I am like it or not this is the way God made me this is the way I will be. I get so upset and mad cause I just don’t see no end to our financial problems. And the end that I am looking at is for the future, to be able to do a road trip spending time together, or to be able to afford for you to take off of work so we can both together visit our boys and family in Florida or in Arkansas or wherever. I would love to be able to go out to lunch with people from church and not worry if we can afford it or not, it is not about buying the food it is about the fellowship with other people that I am looking for. It seems that in this world today if you want to go places or do things that create memories and can let you let others see what God is doing in my life, right now I am stuck, I don’t see anything in our future except what we have now. All these things around me I can do without. It is just clutter and stuff. And it is all a bit overwhelming to me anyways. Having a relationship with God is important to me and yes I know I am not where I ought to be with what I should be doing and I know that God is always working on me, God is always here with me and always accepts me for the good and the bad. My husband is a real concern for me right now. I love him and I know or hope he loves me but there is something wrong with our relationship something that makes me so angry I can’t even think about it without tears coming to my eyes. When did we lose the intimacy in our marriage? Oh wow a simple kiss or hug or I love you but what about the deep meaningful intimacy between a husband and a wife. It is no longer there. And it makes me scared and lonely. Sometimes I feel like we are just too lazy to take the time to be intimate with each other. Separate lives and it is scary to me. Very scary cause I see us at the bottom of the triangle stuck. And separated from each other. Just living day to day just to get by. I want more. My family Is very important to me, two boys live so far away don’t matter what got me here or whose choice it was or the reason for moving we are here they are there and it hurts me everyday not to be a part of there lives. I know I have to accept that, I try my best to do so. And now with our angel in prison even though I really believe she is where God wants her right now it is still hard not talking to her or seeing her. Before she went we texted each other all during the day and now that is gone. I miss her. And then our son and daughter-in-law, you know how I feel even though there were problems that cause us to leave the problems are solved and now we are struggling to make it well actually we really aren’t making it cause I have to borrow money all the time from our other son, and then our second son is trying his best to keep up his household. I just can’t help the feeling like we dumped on him and left him stranded and it kills me inside seeing his daily struggle. Yes I know we did it and so have thousands of other people but I also know that if it is in my power to do something that is good I should do it but then why and I told to choose, I can’t choose, I want to be with my husband I don’t want to move away from him, the thought makes me sick and the thought that anyone would say to just send me away like I was some kind of a problem just make me feel even worse, useless and unnecessary, undeserving of the one person who I love the most, I feel like a piece of trash, what can help that, I really don’t know. I know a lot of crap has been said that is hurtful and I have said it and so has others. When someone tries to do my work for me it pushes me deeper into the hole I feel like I am in. I close up and try and blend in with the wall. I hate myself. Did my dumbness get us into all this trouble? I don’t know. I want to do what I know needs to be done and I want to be a good wife and mom and grandma, but really I don’t cause I don’t do what I need to do when it needs to be done and I don’t take my time with the grandkids and I feel deep down inside that I messed up two of my boys living situation. Everyone I am sure knows why, I feel like I dumped the house on our son in Florida and now our second son is stuck with a house that he don’t need. Yes they chose to buy those houses but they did it with us in mind. We were their main thought, for our first son we wouldn’t of been able to sell that house when we moved it would of ended up going back to the bank, because we don’t pay our bills we walk away and let people sue us. We do it all the time, and our second son, well everyone knows his main focus when buying a house was to make sure there was enough room for mom and dad and our angel. And now look we dumped on him and he is stuck. And no one seems to care but it breaks my heart. I know deep down inside that they could of gotten a newer nicer house for cheaper but they didn’t they wanted to make sure we were taken care of. Maybe it is the mom in me I don’t know or maybe it is just me but I feel responsible, if we were half as good as our boys are with our money while living the last 27yrs then maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today, I ask God for forgiveness for not handling our money the way we should have but then I thought that things were important and buying stuff just to have it was a good thing. Not taking care of what we had and just throwing away things that we brought and probably didn’t pay for cause we took advantage of the credit companies. So now we are still suffering for all that but I believe that God can help us out of it all. Whether it is to pay all the money owed or to start fresh with out them. I don’t know what the answer will be. I do know that all that was purchased well lets just say most of it is now gone. I see our things deterating right before our eyes and all I hear is I am waiting on God. This place was good for a season I believe the season is gone and our focus needs to change. Why am I the only one who sees this? I always thought that it really didn’t matter where we lived as long as we lived together. When I see all the things or stuff that has gone on in the past few months I can’t help but think that God is trying to tell us something. I believe He has given us a way out and I also believe that we both would be giving up a lot, but the small sacrifice that we make today might just be a huge reward when we are done. I really don’t see us living in Delaware for the rest of our lives. What is the big deal about moving? I have no ties here at all. I don’t belong here at all. I am only here for one reason and that is to help with grandchildren. And right now I stink at it. I am so ready to give up everything just to get the job at hand done and move on with our lives. I hate throwing our money away every month. Our second son has said that he would help us out as much as possible. He has even given the money to pay the car at a cheaper interest rate. He didn’t have to do that I didn’t even have to ask him he just did it cause he wants to help us. I hear so many times in the past few months that your kids are the future what you make or do in your life lives on in your children and grandchildren. Family is important. Helping each other is important. Being there for each other is important. Living the way I am living is not doing a thing to help family or to do my part in the whole move plan. I hate that we are walking away once again from doing what I truly believe we should be doing. Why can’t we be on the same page for doing unto others? Why do we always take the easy way out even though in my eyes this is not the easy way? Why do we always escape from family or friends? Why why why? So we can be alone together. Cause that is not the answer cause when we are alone together there is just as much silence and loneliness as if I am by myself. Believe me I have really thought about what it would be like to give up our freedom of being here alone, not being bothered. I have thought about it a lot. And sometimes I am just like well I am better off here, alone, but am I really, I don’t think so as I am writing this cause it is just making me more isolated and lazy. Actually depressed. This land this house means nothing to me except making things harder on us. I am trying so hard to accept the fact that this is where you want to be where you want us to be, that I am not sure. I really think God is working on us to bring us closer to our family commitments. For father and son to work together to get a job accomplished. I heard people who know nothing about our fighting over where to live say out loud that maybe it is your sons who will help you find out which of your talents you should use. Why shouldn’t family help family why shouldn’t son help father and father help son? This is the child of your loin. You made this person he is part of you. Take pride in your sons. Don’t look at that with discussed or bitterness. I just can’t help seeing you wanting to rip us from our family and be lonely together somewhere. It can’t happen, cause I would go nuts! I can’t walk away from family like you have. Please look at the way things are. You have totally disowned your family have nothing to do with any or them. That is sad very sad and I feel like you would be totally happy doing the same with our sons and daughter, to detach yourself from them completely. It can’t happen like that. I won’t let go of our family. My family. When you chose to get married and have a family it was a lifetime commitment and in my choosing to have a husband and family was not to separate myself from my family but to grow with them and have life with them till death. I know that moving in with our second son would take a lot of space away from us. I also know that it can bring us closer together too. That is one of the big reasons why I told our second son I wanted our own entrance and I wanted the whole room not just part of it shared with a bunch of crap the way it was before. That wasn’t the best for us. And I believe that if we all took the time to work together we could have a nice place and a good life for this time looking at 2 to 4 years until our next adventure begins. Or maybe I am wrong and maybe we will stay here longer. But I know that I want us to be able to drive our vehicles and be able to have food in the fridge and freezer. And be able to stop and take the time to go and visit our other children. Or family. To be able to say to our pastors hey lets go out to lunch and be able to pay for the bill because we could afford it. We never get to do anything like that and I think what a nice blessing it would be. I am just so tired of cutting our relationships or staying home and missing out cause we don’t have the money. Just like camping last year, we couldn’t go because we didn’t have the money. Here we were with all the equipment to be able to go but not able to go because of our finances. How sad is that? We are married for 27years and not a cent to our name. Maybe when I was younger I didn’t see the importance of saving for our future I know we were always living week to week. But now I see a way out a way so that we can get somewhere in live. To be able to say I have a toothache and go to the dentist and pay the bill cause we can. It kills me to know that our teeth are falling apart and even though we have insurance we can’t get our teeth fixed cause we don’t’ have a single cent to our names. Why can’t we let our second son help us out and why can’t we just deal with their family living in the other side of the house. Why can’t we sacrifice to have more for us, to take care of our needs? What if this is what God has for us what if this is Gods answer to your prayers and you keep saying nope waiting on the Lord to bless me or take me? What if this is Gods way of hitting you upside the head saying here is your way out. And you keep walking away thinking you are doing the right thing. How many more things do you have to see go wrong before you wake up and see that God has the answer for us right here. Why are you so blinded or closed minded to what possibly God wants of us. Look at the messages at church. They reach back to what you leave behind. Touching people. We should be at the top of the triangle and our lives should be trickling down to our children and into their lives. But instead we are so far apart that nothing of us is doing what I would believe that God would have us do. Why does it seem so easy to say you would give up everything to help out strangers but when it comes to your own family it is a problem. Why that is what I want to know.
I had no intentions of being out of this place before Christmas, I don’t know why I am so angry I want to have a wonderful holiday season together with our family and with each other. And one last thought because my wrists are killing me from typing. What comes out of my mouth is what is in my heart. Well just in case you haven’t noticed there is a lot of bad words coming out of my mouth because it is always on my mind that we haven’t had intimacy in so long that that is what is in my heart. I am thankful I have a loving husband and that he has a job and that he helps me when I need it. Thank you.
Since my wife wrote this we have both seen that it was best for us to wait on the Lord. We have stayed where we were. Our cabinets and fridge is full. Two of three vehicles are not working. I had all my upper teeth pulled and we are waiting for God to bless us with the finances to get dentures. Our biggest thing now is that she wants to be with all four of our children at the same time and with the two grandchildren and the one on the way, as well as her 89-year-old father. We are hundreds of miles from all our family. We are with two of the grandchildren and their parents in the same city. Now she was upset that when our next grandchild is born she wont get to be the grandparent in the child’s life and that some other people that have no ties what so ever with my son other than they gave him a job, will be like grandparents to them. I can’t give her all she wants… So pray… and bear our burdens… bless you!
PS... I hope I edited out anything not "christian" like...
