Scared and struggling with my relationship with God

[Caitlin]

Hi.
I’m struggling in my relationship with God. Sorry this is kinda long

I have very bad ocd (Intrusive thoughts and bad thoughts and thinking patterns) that causes me to not be able to pray to God. I haven’t really prayed in over a week. Only once Yestarday for help.

When I pray I get triggered and feel tempted/ compelled to think bad thoughts (blasphemous & sinful ones)and think things to God.

So I barley ever pray. A lot of time I feel scared to pray as well and don’t know what to say.

Because of ocd I have intrusive thoughts all the time.

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I also don’t really know what it means to deny myself

Take up my cross and follow Jesus.

I also don’t know what it means to surrender everything to God/ my heart to God.

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I spend all day every day on my phone and I also barley leave my room and stay in bed like all day on my phone because I have nothing else to do and nowhere to go.
I don’t know what God wants me to do all day apart from read the word and pray (which I find very hard to do). I don’t know what I can do that isn’t worldly.

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I don’t know how to serve God apart from sharing the gospel which I want to do but don’t know how to properly. I want to win souls.

I also don’t know how to serve others. I live with my mum and brother.
I know that love is patient and kind etc.... is that it or is there more to it.

I want to love a life of love and it’s hard because of the intrusive thoughts I have every time I see anyone my head will have an urge to think something bad even though I don’t mean it at all. It’s just because of ocd.

A lot of the time I’m tired and have no strength

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This verse also scares me:

Matthew 7:21-23

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?'

Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

I don’t know what Gods will is and idk how to do it and to know if I’m doing it. I also worry because of the unwillful ocd intrusive thoughts that always come into my head all the time and if I had a choice I would be healed and my head would never do it and he says in that verse evildoers

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I worry about the sheep and goats and wheat and chaff because I feel like I’m not living right. I think I complain a lot because of the ocd. I don’t want to be a goat or chaff.

I keep messing up every day. Sometimes I feel very confused.

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My mummy and brother need saved and because of my ocd I don’t pray. I worry because I want them to go to heaven.

How do you know if you are on the narrow way.

Sometimes I feel hopeless and sad because I don’t want to be left.

I want to go to heaven. . .

I’m scared of h*ll

I’m scared of the loc*sts in revelation ..

I don’t know how to wholeheartedly serve Jesus. I want to..

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Im also terrified of judgement and the second return. Jesus scares me and I don’t want Him to leave me. I want my family to be saved. I’m terrified of the prophesies. I get terrified Every time I see a video about end times etc...
I’m scared of the seperating of sheep and goats. I’m scared because I want to go to heaven. I’m scared of the depart from me verse. I’m also not close to God and I worry because I don’t want to be lukewarm or backslidden. I’m scared of the buy and sell thing Rev....
I don’t want people to die.

Sorry this was long

Thanks for reading

 

[Brad Huber]

Hello Caitlin, may the Lord bless you. It may be ocd, or it may be an evil spirit that is whispering to you wanting you to believe that the evil thoughts are your own. Once satan loses you to Jesus, he will often send evil spirits to whisper into your mind and try to make you think its you thinking those thoughts, into thinking you are unworthy of Jesus, unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of even being heard by God. But like all things of satan they are either fully lies or some lies mixed in with truths to better confuse the person. Either way, memorize your favorite verse in combating these thoughts. Mine is Prov 3 : 5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.

When the thoughts come upon you, recite your own selected verse over and over either out loud or in your own mind. At the very least 2 good things will happen when you do this.
1. God's word going through your mind will irritate the evil spirit to where it will soon leave you, if only temporarily.
2. It will also confirm in you, stronger and stronger with every usage, that its true and that God is promising you this helping you in your faith.

 

[Hekuran]

I think Brad's advice on this is exactly right. Going one step further, you could set yourself a goal of memorising Psalms. Learn as many as you can by heart, write them, doodle them and say them out loud. Then, when you are finding praying difficult you have a whole language of prayer to fall back on.

Are you facing GCSEs with all the lockdown turmoil this summer too?

Jesus summarised the whole Christian life as 'love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength and love your neighbour as yourself. That's what God's will is. Very simple (but not easy).

 

[PloughBoy]

If "Complete" happens to read this "Thread" . I know you see the problem, here that "Catilin" is having. Would you please come to counsel in aid.

 

[Brad Huber]

If "Complete" happens to read this "Thread" . I know you see the problem, here that "Catilin" is having. Would you please come to counsel in aid.

What thread is he talking about this on?

 

[Andyindauk]

Hi Caitlin, I hear what you're saying about you having OCD, and thank you for all the detail you go into and share. I really feel for you, must be awful. One chink of light is that you recognise the condition, it's a problem and you want to beat it. I'm hoping that you're seeing a mental health professional and getting treatment and therapy and there's an awful lot of really good info and advice online. Do you go to church? Your church is a huge valuable resource, they should be able to help you. Have a word with your vicar / pastor / minister, he / she should be able to put you in touch with someone who lives nearby who can keep in touch with you, befriend, encourage and support and pray for you.

One thing I notice from your post is that you seem on the whole to be able to distinguish between normal thoughts and feelings and whacky irrational thoughts and feelings. You now need to work on a means of sidelining, ignoring and archiving them and instead get on with your normal rational thoughts and feelings. You have a distinct advantage over your peers with the same condition and that's the Holy Spirit. He can distinguish between your true, real and heartfelt thoughts and these whacky weird feelings you have and He can explain and interpret them to God Romans 8:26-27. He will also help you and give you the wisdom that you need.

Please don't worry about prayers, prayers and not that important, God already knows exactly what you need, He knows better than you do. Leave that with Him. Instead, have a time of praise and worship, thanking God for what He's done for you, list all the different blessings that He has given you, tell Him what it is about Him that you love so much, there is so much material - endless. God will love that, and hopefully soon you'll be able to talk to Him about other things, how you're feeling, your fears and issues, what you like and don't like, chat to him about your day, music, your friends and family. God wants you to talk to Him like He's your best friend because He is.

Please don't worry about the judgement verses and parables in the Bible, they are not for you. They were, but then you you became a disciple of Jesus (and you quite definitely are) well at that point they ceased to have any relevance to you, those parables and warnings are directed towards unbelievers, warning them of their impending fate and imploring that they change direction and repent. Well you already have. Here's one that you might find less scaryMatthew13:24-33 Note that the servants wanted to dig the lot up and start again but the man said no because he didn't want to lose the wheat he'd planted. You are that wheat!

Judgement for the cocky non-believer who has rejected God, believing that he's self sufficient or refuses to even believe in His existence is going to be more terrifying than we can imagine. But for the believers it's goody time; do you get a small, medium or big reward. But your place in the Book of Life is written in thick black indelible ink. Praise Jesus, praise God.

Let's thank God together.

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Dear Lord God, I want to thank you and praise you about two things that are more important to me then almost anything else. Your salvation, you sent your son Jesus died on the cross a horrible, terrifying death that I can't even begin to imagine. Why? Because you love me so much and couldn't bear the thought of losing me to the fate I was moving so inexorably towards. That was more than you could bear and so you were compelled to send your son to die in my place. That would have been a futile exercise had you not called me, you did and I accepted gladly and so now my place in heaven, with you is sealed permanently.

What is just as amazing is that you did exactly the same for my sweet dear sister Caitlin. I thank you Lord that in Heaven there is an empty mansion with her name written on it! Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you.

We both owe you so much. We love you dearly.

Amen