George Carlin quotes

[dannibear]

funny quotes

Collection of my favorites:

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"


What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?


If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

 

[.:dearelle:.]

lol the first one is my favorite.
He wasnt a very good influential comedian, and it is a shame
that he turned atheist before he died. Those are some cute
quotes. If only his whole comedian career had been like that,
he probably would have had more viewers. Before he started
using all the bad language it was funny
Thanks for getting the clean quotes, they are funny
haha my friend is a vegetarian, i will ask her if she can eat animal crackers, that should make her laugh.

 

[dannibear]

Hi elle!!
and yea, I found these quotes and thought they were really funny
and when I searched who he was, I was disappointed.
These were on a good site though, so these are all right.
I kind of noticed from his biography that once he turned atheist
is when his shows got 'explicit' and he started saying rude stuff on t.v.
and got kicked off of television programs.
I never thought language like that made anything funny.
THESE quotes are fine the way they are, I wish he and other comedians
didnt have to ruin them.

 

[dannibear]

I thought about your post elle, and I figure, the quotes are funny,
the comedian wasnt at all a good influence, theres nothing wrong with what I posted, but the guy was morally corrupt, so I decided to erase his name and replace the title with funny quotes. that makes me feel better
As soon as I posted this I thought...'ugh I dont know'.
good thing I can edit the title.

danni has discovered the advanced edit feature, yay lol

 

[Alice.]

Ohhh I love Carlin!!! CARDINAL GLICK!!! Lol, i thought it was quite funny he played a cardinal when he was an athiest. I loved the guy, its a shame I never got to see him perform, my fiance did and he said it was amazing, hes quite a funny guy...Hippy Dippy Weatherman.


Edit: Also here is a fun fact, for everyone whose saying that he was better off when he didn't use "foul language". His comedy, was approved by the church.

It actually talks about it in Comedy Central's "George Carlin: 40 years of comedy" in 1997.

also people have to realize, God DOES have a sense of humor, he invented it.

 

[dannibear]

Edit: Also here is a fun fact, for everyone whose saying that he was better off when he didn't use "foul language". His comedy, was approved by the church.

It actually talks about it in Comedy Central's "George Carlin: 40 years of comedy" in 1997.

But how can a church approve of something that is not Holy?
I can understand the cute little quotes that I posted, but when I
heard his jokes about how God is 'imaginary' and 'messed up'
I find it hard to accept that his performance is acceptable by anyone
of God.

also people have to realize, God DOES have a sense of humor, he invented it.

That is true. lol some of the creatures I see make me think God has a sense of humor. like the platypus, and that is my favorite animal. Anyone who invents a beaver-duck is hilarious.