Ok everyone...brace yourselves!!
Good afternoon to all of you from a very chilly and windy London!
I have just been reading the thread on divorce, I guess, trying to get some clarity and/or guidance on the subject - which is very close to my heart at the moment. I have read and re-read Jesus' teachings in Mark 10, and listened to the sermon at church, and talked with the vicar, whom I get along with and like very much. He has been a great friend to both myself and my kids.
I am 34 years old, currently seperated from my husband, Max, whom I love very much. He left the family home back in July, but we agreed not to apply for a divorce. I will try briefly to explain the reasons for this as I go on.
I was first married when I was 20, and my dad had to give consent to the marriage! My husband and I had a great time, the marriage was based on a mutual love of booze! Then I got pregnant with our son, so the boozing stopped on my part. I guess I had to grow up! After a difficult pregnancy, we were blessed with a baby boy, called Richard (now a big boy of 12yrs!) My husband's interest in other women increased, and after two affairs that I knew of and a sexual assault on a babysitter, I moved out with Richard and divorced him.
I then met my second husband, Roy. He was a lot older than me, had custody of his four children and had also divorced due to his wife's adultery. I fell head over heels in love with him, and we were married within a year. I thought he was my true soulmate. However, the violence and verbal abuse escalated over 3 1/2 years, I suffered many injuries including broken fingers, I was set on fire and repeatedly sexually and psychologically assaulted. Naturally, I lost custody of my son, I couldn't even protect myself, let alone a child.
I turned to drugs then, and, thank the lord, I became pregnant with my daughter, although it was a very, very bad idea at the time. I got sober (the lord touched my life then, for sure) but the assaults continued, and he even pointed a gun at my stomach when I was 7 months pregnant. I had finally had enough when he refused to let me breastfeed the baby in the night and threatened to 'punch her lights out'. He told me that if I ever left, he would letter-bomb my parents' house and find me and kill me. Now, I wholeheartedly believe in the sacred state of marriage, and he had comitted no adultery, but I still feel guilty about the divorce and my subsequent remarriage in 2003. Surely, in The Lord's eyes, I could not be expected to live like that, and condemn my daughter to that life too? These days, I have a great relationship with my son, although I didn't see him for a long time.
I moved from my native Manchester with my baby daughter 250 miles away, five years ago. It was a good move! I immediately joined a church and began searching for Christ...I can truly say that He found me five years later and I became a true believer. I talk to God all the time (He must be sick of me whining!! ) But I feel 'stained' by my divorces, and my current seperation - my husband was getting very moody, shouting a lot and we never saw him. He made me feel inferior to other, more attractive women. He never, ever had time for us. I'll be honest - I just wasn't prepared to live like that again, not at all, ever! And he didn't like my son. I became a Christian after he left, and it's the best thing I ever did - I feel real peace, something I never knew before. I have asked for forgiveness for my own actions, and I forgive the actions of my first two husbands. But I don't know - am I 'damaged goods' in the sight of the Lord?
My daughter was baptised in September last year, I felt I had to come clean with the minister about my past. My husband was too busy racing boats to come at stand at our side during the ceremony - he is the only dad she's ever known! Oh yes...and he is involved with the church of Scientology, his personal choice, and that's fine. But I want a Christian upbringing for my girl. There has already been some friction there!:lightning
So, I just don't know. I feel better getting it all out, and if Christ can forgive me, perhaps I should forgive myself...Anyway, thank you so much for listening, and God Bless all of you.
Love from your friend, Rachel xx