Fear of abandonment

[KittyLinda]

I had a disagreement with my boyfriend. I was not responding to his texts/phone calls for a few days. Things are back to normal. He still treats me very well, and we have so much fun together. I sometimes feel like he has to pursue me, but I am also afraid of taking these risks. I could leave quickly, if I can't control this fear. I constantly want all his attention these days, and he is so frustrated.

I am scared of losing him. I stayed at his place for 2 days, and I know I probably crossed one of my boundaries by doing this, but it is just a defense mechanism. I am a borderline . . . I was accused of being manipulative by exs, so I have to say what is actually happening, because that is not my intention to sin, or manipulate anyone. It is just a struggle with a personality disorder. It is often stigmatized, so I am not even sure people will care, or try to understand. Just please do not judge me . . .

I have been dealing with this very awful anxiety for months now. I do not get enough sleep, and I think about him all the time. I text him at work, and in the morning, and sometimes I text him things that I do not think I could actually say to him face to face. I am so stressed.

My boyfriend and I defined our method of dating as intentional. We are dating, so we can find a spouse. I really want to get married, so dating has been my thing for many years. Just nothing seemed to work well for me. I am very scared, and I think all the time about losing him. I am dating an amazing Christian man, but the advice I am getting from some brothers and sisters about these boundaries felt very unrealistic or legalistic. That is not the most important part to my lord in this relationship. What I was told really added to my stress. I am not perfect, but I am not consciously sinning. I desire to please God in this relationship. This relationship is God's will. I have no idea why some Christians found it unpleasant that we were studying the bible and praying together. I was confronted, and even told not to say ' I love you.' Just wow! We are adults. So I really had this idea about maybe leaving the church again.

This was a stumbling block in my path. All the shaming I hear, even though we are being completely pure. It just does not feel good. and I hate that this got to him. We have Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He tells me all the things that make me confident, and that is all good. He is really amazing, and I love him. I just feel insecure sometimes when we have these disagreements or when I hear Christian say all these things. I do not think we are crossing any biblical guidelines. I am disappointed, and I know Satan is using this to weaken our faith, so we need to guard our hearts.

Keep us in your prayers.

 

[Brad Huber]

Matt 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Try not to worry about things you cant control, give it to God, and wait to see what He gives you in return. Whatever He gives you, will be better than you realized (even if you dont think so initially).

 

[joestue]

Im on my honeymoon so will keep this short.

My wife was diagnosed as aspergers at age 11, but that was a lie, (we think her mom shopped around for autism diagnosis as leverage for full custody in the event of divorce)

What she actually "was" was disociative identity disorder, but the public, hardened, jaded, fronting alter.. (Which had no memories from prior to age 13, because she didnt exist prior to that) meets all 9 diagnosic criteria for borderline personality disorder.

So, after i discovered that, it took another year before "she" died, and integrated into the back of a different part of her mind.

She feared she was actually a demon (we had already cast out half a dozen and recovered the memories of what she did to let them in) and she feared integration with the other parts of the mind as ceasing to exist.

Because she had no memories prior to age 13, and because the mind produced her as a responce to a relationship with a pedophile.. Her "identity" was emotional pain. She feared letting go of that pain to Jesus because it was her identity. She could not experience joy and was envious of other parts of her mind which could.

She is no longer bpd. After her grandfather died she regarded death as better than her existance as emotional pain, and tried to jump off a roof but another part of her mind stopped her and took over. She then finally let go of the pain and "died". It took a few days for her mind to restructure and she still existed, but now; as thoughts in the back of the other alter's mind.

But to make matters even more complex, the origin of her fears of abandomnent reach into trauma as early as 2 years of age. In addition Her autonomic nervous systen has been broken since conception due to genetic damage and her body was in a permanent fight or flight responce since age 6 or 7.

Before we were in a relationship she rechognized that her fight of flight responce calmed down whem she was with me, and she had more energy for 2 to 3 days afterwards.

I had a variety of christians telling me i cant do this kind of work, etc.

She eventually worked up the courage to tell her nonchristian therapist that the reason for her steady improvement over 2 years was because me and some other church friends cast half a dozen demons out of her over 2 years.., and her therapist suspended judgement and told her to stay with me!

So anyhow, praying together and letting Jesus provide us guidance healed all the human sources of trauma which produced what is called BPD.

She still has genetic damage which was a substantial contributing factor regarding the question of.. Why was she traumatized in the first place..

 

[BunnyOnion]

I had a disagreement with my boyfriend. I was not responding to his texts/phone calls for a few days. Things are back to normal. He still treats me very well, and we have so much fun together. I sometimes feel like he has to pursue me, but I am also afraid of taking these risks. I could leave quickly, if I can't control this fear. I constantly want all his attention these days, and he is so frustrated.

I am scared of losing him. I stayed at his place for 2 days, and I know I probably crossed one of my boundaries by doing this, but it is just a defense mechanism. I am a borderline . . . I was accused of being manipulative by exs, so I have to say what is actually happening, because that is not my intention to sin, or manipulate anyone. It is just a struggle with a personality disorder. It is often stigmatized, so I am not even sure people will care, or try to understand. Just please do not judge me . . .

I have been dealing with this very awful anxiety for months now. I do not get enough sleep, and I think about him all the time. I text him at work, and in the morning, and sometimes I text him things that I do not think I could actually say to him face to face. I am so stressed.

My boyfriend and I defined our method of dating as intentional. We are dating, so we can find a spouse. I really want to get married, so dating has been my thing for many years. Just nothing seemed to work well for me. I am very scared, and I think all the time about losing him. I am dating an amazing Christian man, but the advice I am getting from some brothers and sisters about these boundaries felt very unrealistic or legalistic. That is not the most important part to my lord in this relationship. What I was told really added to my stress. I am not perfect, but I am not consciously sinning. I desire to please God in this relationship. This relationship is God's will. I have no idea why some Christians found it unpleasant that we were studying the bible and praying together. I was confronted, and even told not to say ' I love you.' Just wow! We are adults. So I really had this idea about maybe leaving the church again.

This was a stumbling block in my path. All the shaming I hear, even though we are being completely pure. It just does not feel good. and I hate that this got to him. We have Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He tells me all the things that make me confident, and that is all good. He is really amazing, and I love him. I just feel insecure sometimes when we have these disagreements or when I hear Christian say all these things. I do not think we are crossing any biblical guidelines. I am disappointed, and I know Satan is using this to weaken our faith, so we need to guard our hearts.

Keep us in your prayers.

(Hugs)
Praying for you both.

One piece of advice. Anyone who tells you not to speak your love for your boyfriend , nor should he speak that to you, is not anyone you can trust with information of any sort. Less the stress by getting them out of your life.

Relationships of any kind should hold to one covenant especially. That of mutual respect, love, and trust.
They should build you up, not tear you down.
They should hold to honesty. And yet should also show compassion and respect when the need arises to be forthcoming about something that may hurt.

Better to feel hurt for a little while, than live a lie for a lifetime.

Pray. And trust God to lead you both in his light. (hugs again)

Bless you for feeling you could trust us with this.

 

[KittyLinda]

Greetings,

Sorry for the late reply.

Dear brothers and sisters, I am not at peace these days, so I want to spiritually and mentally prepare for it.

I am taking a step away from this relationship. Basically, I feel like giving up. He has been too kind, and I always enjoy my time with him. It's just too difficult to imagine that he would tolerate some of the things I struggle with for too long. I mean he is super kind, talks about his faith, and Jesus all the time, and I am so sorry, if this will make some angry here. But, I started to have some doubts lately. He seems to compliment me all the time. Constantly being told that I am the most wonderful person, how awesome, and pretty I am. etc... this does not resonate well with me. I am not always a kind person. I struggle with anger, rapid mood swings, and bitterness among other things. I struggled with homosexuality, and I am still trying to recover from an addiction.

He was not happy about the way I spend money, which is why we had this recent disagreement. This actually never crossed my mind. I do not have financial goals, and I like to get what I want or desire. I can't promise a change in few months. I noticed how I am very hesitant about opening myself to him these days.

I probably created an awkward situation in my life. Perhaps, I need to get closer to God first. I feel like I am dealing with a spiritual battle again. God delivered me from all these hindering spirits and demons last year, and I have totally forgiven those who hurt me in the past. I even got baptized again, only to mark a new beginning in my life with God last year, but I am not sure why I feel the way I am now.

Before I was a born again Christian, I encountered men and women who treated me like an object, and some I dated did not seem too loyal, so many of my past relationships were so unhealthy, chaotic, and violent, and I did not want to end them; I did everything to keep them interested in me, and that did not work. Nothing of that is in my current relationship, but I am not sure why I am not at peace. My Christian friends are very loving actually, but not all of them know me for too long to say the right thing, and I can't always handle judgments, or statements that challenge what I do, or believe, but I want to change how I react to what people say, otherwise I probably won't make real friends.

Thank you for your kindness and comments.

 

[BunnyOnion]

Greetings,

Sorry for the late reply.

Dear brothers and sisters, I am not at peace these days, so I want to spiritually and mentally prepare for it.

I am taking a step away from this relationship. Basically, I feel like giving up. He has been too kind, and I always enjoy my time with him. It's just too difficult to imagine that he would tolerate some of the things I struggle with for too long. I mean he is super kind, talks about his faith, and Jesus all the time, and I am so sorry, if this will make some angry here. But, I started to have some doubts lately. He seems to compliment me all the time. Constantly being told that I am the most wonderful person, how awesome, and pretty I am. etc... this does not resonate well with me. I am not always a kind person. I struggle with anger, rapid mood swings, and bitterness among other things. I struggled with homosexuality, and I am still trying to recover from an addiction.

He was not happy about the way I spend money, which is why we had this recent disagreement. This actually never crossed my mind. I do not have financial goals, and I like to get what I want or desire. I can't promise a change in few months. I noticed how I am very hesitant about opening myself to him these days.

I probably created an awkward situation in my life. Perhaps, I need to get closer to God first. I feel like I am dealing with a spiritual battle again. God delivered me from all these hindering spirits and demons last year, and I have totally forgiven those who hurt me in the past. I even got baptized again, only to mark a new beginning in my life with God last year, but I am not sure why I feel the way I am now.

Before I was a born again Christian, I encountered men and women who treated me like an object, and some I dated did not seem too loyal, so many of my past relationships were so unhealthy, chaotic, and violent, and I did not want to end them; I did everything to keep them interested in me, and that did not work. Nothing of that is in my current relationship, but I am not sure why I am not at peace. My Christian friends are very loving actually, but not all of them know me for too long to say the right thing, and I can't always handle judgments, or statements that challenge what I do, or believe, but I want to change how I react to what people say, otherwise I probably won't make real friends.

Thank you for your kindness and comments.

Welcome back.

If we're from an upbringing that did not include positive reinforcement it can be incredibly difficult to accept compliments and believe them.

Do you keep a journal?

Journaling can be a refuge of sorts.
A safe space where we can go behind our insecurities, fears, all those feelings that make us repeat the same pattern of behaviors.

Fear of intimacy, fear of relationship because we have such a low opinion of ourselves. And we don't believe someone who says they love us because we don't love ourselves.

Basically, journaling is like a giant spring cleaning for the psyche.
Go within, find all the deep rooted baggage we carry forward into the future and that burdens us with the weight of it because we've never let it go.
Especially the baggage of past relationships.

Often we Imagine the new one will turn out like all the rest. And it's our fault.
And that kind of thinking is what overshadows the spontaneous joy we should relish because we love to be happy.

It's an instinct. An instinct that can be suppressed by the weight of past hurts and personal insecurity.

Journalling let's us go find all that deep seeded stuff, baggage, and release it on the page. Clear out that baggage.
Because , particularly in a new emotional relationship , we have to come to realize that new love is not the old one.
He,she, can't be those one, that one, who broke our heart in the past. And it isn't fair to them or ourselves, to think of them as that other one. Because expecting the same old same robs us of the once in a lifetime, moment to moment, new experience.

What we see in our relationships, be it family, friend, coworker, boyfriend, girlfriend wife, husband, is a direct reflection of how we see and feel about ourselves.

"I don't love me, how could you?"

Something interesting that I learned about long ago. How we see ourselves in the mirror and in our personality, is not what others see looking at us.
Our psycho-physical development from our subconscious recordings in infancy to this very moment also affect how we literally see ourselves.
We are what we've been lead, told, to believe about our world and our place in it.
Our experiences shape our perspective.

Journaling can often times find that out. And expose within that baggage, that we carry. Even stuff we never knew was there until we journal.

The body naturally seeks homeostasis, balance. It also naturally seeks to survive the self.
If we have snaps of anger or bouts of depression, mood swings, barring a diagnosed or yet undiagnosed chemical imbalance, it can very often be because the body, the psyche, is so full of that baggage that in order to keep going it releases some on its own.

It has to.

It's like pouring water into the spout of a pitcher that has a lid sealed in place. A metaphor for self and life.
After awhile the water had to go somewhere. Because the pitcher can hold only so much.

Sometimes, if nothing is done to change it, the pitcher busts. Our life spirals into chaos.

Start emptying your pitcher.
You are a miracle creation of God's image and likeness here on earth. You have always deserved to be free and happy.

If we can hold it in, we can let it out.
(Hugs) God see's you.
See yourself as worthy of happiness and love. God does.

Live blessed.

 

[Brad Huber]

I had a girlfriend while in my 20's who had a hard time believing me in my care about her. She had deep trust issues, and really wanted to ruin our relationship by having an affair with another man. She felt too guilty to actually get involved sexually with another man, but she would flirt a lot hoping to get me mad enough to break up with her. She finally got impatient with my not giving up on her, and she had to move away, and ended up marrying someone else for money and position, and she wasnt a happy girl. She gave up on a good relationship and jumped headfirst into another she knew was wrong to punish herself. We were both christians, at least vocally, but she was self destructive on a deeper level and couldnt admit it.

 

[KittyLinda]

Welcome back.

If we're from an upbringing that did not include positive reinforcement it can be incredibly difficult to accept compliments and believe them.

Do you keep a journal?

Journaling can be a refuge of sorts.
A safe space where we can go behind our insecurities, fears, all those feelings that make us repeat the same pattern of behaviors.

Fear of intimacy, fear of relationship because we have such a low opinion of ourselves. And we don't believe someone who says they love us because we don't love ourselves.

Basically, journaling is like a giant spring cleaning for the psyche.
Go within, find all the deep rooted baggage we carry forward into the future and that burdens us with the weight of it because we've never let it go.
Especially the baggage of past relationships.

Often we Imagine the new one will turn out like all the rest. And it's our fault.
And that kind of thinking is what overshadows the spontaneous joy we should relish because we love to be happy.

It's an instinct. An instinct that can be suppressed by the weight of past hurts and personal insecurity.

Journalling let's us go find all that deep seeded stuff, baggage, and release it on the page. Clear out that baggage.
Because , particularly in a new emotional relationship , we have to come to realize that new love is not the old one.
He,she, can't be those one, that one, who broke our heart in the past. And it isn't fair to them or ourselves, to think of them as that other one. Because expecting the same old same robs us of the once in a lifetime, moment to moment, new experience.

What we see in our relationships, be it family, friend, coworker, boyfriend, girlfriend wife, husband, is a direct reflection of how we see and feel about ourselves.

"I don't love me, how could you?"

Something interesting that I learned about long ago. How we see ourselves in the mirror and in our personality, is not what others see looking at us.
Our psycho-physical development from our subconscious recordings in infancy to this very moment also affect how we literally see ourselves.
We are what we've been lead, told, to believe about our world and our place in it.
Our experiences shape our perspective.

Journaling can often times find that out. And expose within that baggage, that we carry. Even stuff we never knew was there until we journal.

The body naturally seeks homeostasis, balance. It also naturally seeks to survive the self.
If we have snaps of anger or bouts of depression, mood swings, barring a diagnosed or yet undiagnosed chemical imbalance, it can very often be because the body, the psyche, is so full of that baggage that in order to keep going it releases some on its own.

It has to.

It's like pouring water into the spout of a pitcher that has a lid sealed in place. A metaphor for self and life.
After awhile the water had to go somewhere. Because the pitcher can hold only so much.

Sometimes, if nothing is done to change it, the pitcher busts. Our life spirals into chaos.

Start emptying your pitcher.
You are a miracle creation of God's image and likeness here on earth. You have always deserved to be free and happy.

If we can hold it in, we can let it out.
(Hugs) God see's you.
See yourself as worthy of happiness and love. God does.

Live blessed.

If we're from an upbringing that did not include positive reinforcement it can be incredibly difficult to accept compliments and believe them.

I had a Christian upbringing. I was born into a very Christian family, and brought up in a Baptist church.. My father is a pastor.

I backslid. My parents disowned me. After my 1st marriage ended, my mental health got so bad. Eventually, I got in a trouble; suicidal thoughts, addiction, pregnancy, arrests, being locked in a psychiatric hospital, etc. . .

I remember being told by the nurses of the legal risk of losing my daughter, if I do not recover shortly. So I wanted to get my life back on track. Back then, they thought it was schizophrenia, but later they confirmed it to be a BPD. I did not want my child taken away from me. That's when I started praying, and reading my bible a little, but then I was living with my ex, and my faith was already shaking, because he threatened to leave, if we stop the sex, and he did. My life the past 9-10 years was all negative. I can't seem to have a single stable relationship. I fear getting close to people, so I can't make friends easily. Most people notice something, and want to stay away.

I like this man, and he's attracted to me, but this is so difficult for me with this anxiety, and I hate it when people tell me dating a Christian gives blessings, and it is going to be different etc . . .

Yeah . . . this is my first experience being in a 'straight' Christian relationship, but I can't forget that he is 'not' the first Christian I admired, or loved. I can't help, but to think about the past, and how everyone turned against me, which resulted in my ex leaving, only because she saw the enmity our marriage caused between me and my own family, but my family now approved of this relationship, because he is a 'man.' So yeah all I see is hypocrisy, and nastiness when they finally gave me a bit of an approval, which I NO longer need, because this man IS truly a born again Christian, but it just feels like I am betraying my own principles, or becoming someone who is not me. I've reconciled with my mother and my family, but I am just disgusted by it all. I am sure my life could have been so different, if I was not abandoned by those I thought I could trust.

Thank you for your kindness. Dancing has been my spiritual tool, besides some yoga, and drawing, but I think keeping a journal is also a good idea. I actually was thinking about it a lot lately.

God bless,

 

[KittyLinda]

I had a girlfriend while in my 20's who had a hard time believing me in my care about her. She had deep trust issues, and really wanted to ruin our relationship by having an affair with another man. She felt too guilty to actually get involved sexually with another man, but she would flirt a lot hoping to get me mad enough to break up with her. She finally got impatient with my not giving up on her, and she had to move away, and ended up marrying someone else for money and position, and she wasnt a happy girl. She gave up on a good relationship and jumped headfirst into another she knew was wrong to punish herself. We were both christians, at least vocally, but she was self destructive on a deeper level and couldnt admit it.

Not sure, if I've mentioned it here. My bf also experienced a divorce. She had no biblical grounds for divorce. She had an affair, said she is not in love with him anymore and she left him for a non-Christian man. She thought he would marry her. It's a shame. It turned out he was not her knight, and now she is single.

I've never cheated on anyone. It is not in me, but even Christian men and women are capable of doing it. I heard his ex was very active in the church. Nobody have seen it coming. I guess this is why he does not see my past as a possible threat, but there is a risk, because nothing worked for me all these years.

 

[joestue]

He seems to compliment me all the time. Constantly being told that I am the most wonderful person, how awesome, and pretty I am. etc... this does not resonate well with me.

I agree with you here.
Somrthing wrong.

 

[BunnyOnion]

I had a Christian upbringing. I was born into a very Christian family, and brought up in a Baptist church.. My father is a pastor.

I backslid. My parents disowned me. After my 1st marriage ended, my mental health got so bad. Eventually, I got in a trouble; suicidal thoughts, addiction, pregnancy, arrests, being locked in a psychiatric hospital, etc. . .

I remember being told by the nurses of the legal risk of losing my daughter, if I do not recover shortly. So I wanted to get my life back on track. Back then, they thought it was schizophrenia, but later they confirmed it to be a BPD. I did not want my child taken away from me. That's when I started praying, and reading my bible a little, but then I was living with my ex, and my faith was already shaking, because he threatened to leave, if we stop the sex, and he did. My life the past 9-10 years was all negative. I can't seem to have a single stable relationship. I fear getting close to people, so I can't make friends easily. Most people notice something, and want to stay away.

I like this man, and he's attracted to me, but this is so difficult for me with this anxiety, and I hate it when people tell me dating a Christian gives blessings, and it is going to be different etc . . .

Yeah . . . this is my first experience being in a 'straight' Christian relationship, but I can't forget that he is 'not' the first Christian I admired, or loved. I can't help, but to think about the past, and how everyone turned against me, which resulted in my ex leaving, only because she saw the enmity our marriage caused between me and my own family, but my family now approved of this relationship, because he is a 'man.' So yeah all I see is hypocrisy, and nastiness when they finally gave me a bit of an approval, which I NO longer need, because this man IS truly a born again Christian, but it just feels like I am betraying my own principles, or becoming someone who is not me. I've reconciled with my mother and my family, but I am just disgusted by it all. I am sure my life could have been so different, if I was not abandoned by those I thought I could trust.

Thank you for your kindness. Dancing has been my spiritual tool, besides some yoga, and drawing, but I think keeping a journal is also a good idea. I actually was thinking about it a lot lately.

God bless,

Holding you evermore in prayer.

You have a lot of hurdles you've already overcome.
Your willpower sounds stronger than those hurdles.
You're still here and you're a fighter.

Were told to test the spirits to discern what is truth.

I think you're wise not to trust those who tell you to trust your man because he's a Christian and all will work out due to that.

After all, your dad was a pastor and look at what he proved himself to be when he threw his daughter I to the street.
You still have your daughter?
You're going to make it.

 

[Andyindauk]

I had a Christian upbringing. I was born into a very Christian family, and brought up in a Baptist church.. My father is a pastor.

I backslid. My parents disowned me. After my 1st marriage ended, my mental health got so bad. Eventually, I got in a trouble; suicidal thoughts, addiction, pregnancy, arrests, being locked in a psychiatric hospital, etc. . .

I remember being told by the nurses of the legal risk of losing my daughter, if I do not recover shortly. So I wanted to get my life back on track. Back then, they thought it was schizophrenia, but later they confirmed it to be a BPD. I did not want my child taken away from me. That's when I started praying, and reading my bible a little, but then I was living with my ex, and my faith was already shaking, because he threatened to leave, if we stop the sex, and he did. My life the past 9-10 years was all negative. I can't seem to have a single stable relationship. I fear getting close to people, so I can't make friends easily. Most people notice something, and want to stay away.

I like this man, and he's attracted to me, but this is so difficult for me with this anxiety, and I hate it when people tell me dating a Christian gives blessings, and it is going to be different etc . . .

Yeah . . . this is my first experience being in a 'straight' Christian relationship, but I can't forget that he is 'not' the first Christian I admired, or loved. I can't help, but to think about the past, and how everyone turned against me, which resulted in my ex leaving, only because she saw the enmity our marriage caused between me and my own family, but my family now approved of this relationship, because he is a 'man.' So yeah all I see is hypocrisy, and nastiness when they finally gave me a bit of an approval, which I NO longer need, because this man IS truly a born again Christian, but it just feels like I am betraying my own principles, or becoming someone who is not me. I've reconciled with my mother and my family, but I am just disgusted by it all. I am sure my life could have been so different, if I was not abandoned by those I thought I could trust.

Thank you for your kindness. Dancing has been my spiritual tool, besides some yoga, and drawing, but I think keeping a journal is also a good idea. I actually was thinking about it a lot lately.

God bless,

Hi Kitty,

Sorry but I'm with your bf on this one. I've followed your posts over the last few months and I've gotten the definite opinion that you are sweeter than strawberries and cream sprinkled with sugar.

I'm more double your age and I look back at what I think was a difficult past and think ... hmmm.. could've done better. I see in you a far far more difficult past and you're doing really well. Please, please don't mess it up by being self doubting.

Our God loves, cares, adores, cherishes and treasures you so much, more than you'll ever appreciate until you're up there with Him.

Please just bask in that love, appreciate and love Him back. He wants you happy, confident and content, trusting - really trusting Him to look after and care for you knowing that all things work together for good.

You have a lovely sweet bf who seems to be so good to you and for you. Build on that, but making sure that Christ is right at the centre of your relationship.

Take care, pray and don't do anything rash.

Lots of love Xxx Andy

 

[KittyLinda]

Im on my honeymoon so will keep this short.

My wife was diagnosed as aspergers at age 11, but that was a lie, (we think her mom shopped around for autism diagnosis as leverage for full custody in the event of divorce)

What she actually "was" was disociative identity disorder, but the public, hardened, jaded, fronting alter.. (Which had no memories from prior to age 13, because she didnt exist prior to that) meets all 9 diagnosic criteria for borderline personality disorder.

So, after i discovered that, it took another year before "she" died, and integrated into the back of a different part of her mind.

She feared she was actually a demon (we had already cast out half a dozen and recovered the memories of what she did to let them in) and she feared integration with the other parts of the mind as ceasing to exist.

Because she had no memories prior to age 13, and because the mind produced her as a responce to a relationship with a pedophile.. Her "identity" was emotional pain. She feared letting go of that pain to Jesus because it was her identity. She could not experience joy and was envious of other parts of her mind which could.

She is no longer bpd. After her grandfather died she regarded death as better than her existance as emotional pain, and tried to jump off a roof but another part of her mind stopped her and took over. She then finally let go of the pain and "died". It took a few days for her mind to restructure and she still existed, but now; as thoughts in the back of the other alter's mind.

But to make matters even more complex, the origin of her fears of abandomnent reach into trauma as early as 2 years of age. In addition Her autonomic nervous systen has been broken since conception due to genetic damage and her body was in a permanent fight or flight responce since age 6 or 7.

Before we were in a relationship she rechognized that her fight of flight responce calmed down whem she was with me, and she had more energy for 2 to 3 days afterwards.

I had a variety of christians telling me i cant do this kind of work, etc.

She eventually worked up the courage to tell her nonchristian therapist that the reason for her steady improvement over 2 years was because me and some other church friends cast half a dozen demons out of her over 2 years.., and her therapist suspended judgement and told her to stay with me!

So anyhow, praying together and letting Jesus provide us guidance healed all the human sources of trauma which produced what is called BPD.

She still has genetic damage which was a substantial contributing factor regarding the question of.. Why was she traumatized in the first place..

There is probably one man among hundreds who is willing to do this kind of thing for someone. I can't say that I should expect a tremendous amount of care, even though my boyfriend knows about my condition. I actually assumed he would leave soon after telling him about my past, but he did not.

I also struggled with demonic oppression for a very long time, and I was delivered last year. These demons did not want to leave, but Our God is very loving, and he promised that he would not give up on us, and if we fully trust, and believe in Jesus, then all things are possible. He is more powerful than Satan, and all his army together.

I am glad your wife is getting her life back. Not a lot of people understand mental illness. Actually, I did not even know that I had a disorder, or a mental problem, until the last arrest happened. That was not also my first time getting in trouble with the law, but it was the first time that they moved me to a psychiatric hospital.

I tried to end my life. They did not allow me to have a pillow, bed sheets in my cell. I did not have clothes. Nobody even told me why I was left naked in a dark cell by myself. I was wondering why they did this to me . . . . I got arrested, because I was high on some psychedelics. Basically, my aunt was scared of my behavior, and she called the police on me. All I wanted was my purse and be left alone, but she refused to give it to me, and instead, she handed it to a police station. It was not fair actually, because I did nothing. I said few things out of anger, and they used it against me. One of the cops actually did something that I now think of it of a sexual harassment, even though, they did not touch me, but he made a nasty sexual gesture behind me, and I told him that he was not the first animal I've encountered. I have yet to meet a single cop who is a decent human being.

Not all people with my disorder were traumatized. I do not remember any particular event that 'caused' it, but my relationship with my mother was extremally awful. I was told by my therapist that this is very common with borderline personality disorder, as well as the thing with the drug use, and the sexual promiscuity. I thought I was a piece of trash, and that's how it is, so I was sinning and doing awful things, but it actually turned out that I needed a treatment and that actually gave me a hope when I knew about my disorder. It meant that even someone like me could change, and I did!

 

[KittyLinda]

I agree with you here.
Somrthing wrong.

When men give me compliments all the time, I honestly think that they are just trying to get me.

This can easily trigger me. I may flirt, or even break some boundaries.

 

[KittyLinda]

Hi Kitty,

Sorry but I'm with your bf on this one. I've followed your posts over the last few months and I've gotten the definite opinion that you are sweeter than strawberries and cream sprinkled with sugar.

I'm more double your age and I look back at what I think was a difficult past and think ... hmmm.. could've done better. I see in you a far far more difficult past and you're doing really well. Please, please don't mess it up by being self doubting.

Our God loves, cares, adores, cherishes and treasures you so much, more than you'll ever appreciate until you're up there with Him.

Please just bask in that love, appreciate and love Him back. He wants you happy, confident and content, trusting - really trusting Him to look after and care for you knowing that all things work together for good.

You have a lovely sweet bf who seems to be so good to you and for you. Build on that, but making sure that Christ is right at the centre of your relationship.

Take care, pray and don't do anything rash.

Lots of love Xxx Andy

Thank you for you kindness, but sorry to break it to you. Nobody is that sweet actually. We all have insecurities and things that trigger us.

 

[KittyLinda]

Holding you evermore in prayer.

You have a lot of hurdles you've already overcome.
Your willpower sounds stronger than those hurdles.
You're still here and you're a fighter.

Were told to test the spirits to discern what is truth.

I think you're wise not to trust those who tell you to trust your man because he's a Christian and all will work out due to that.

After all, your dad was a pastor and look at what he proved himself to be when he threw his daughter I to the street.
You still have your daughter?
You're going to make it.

Yes, I have my angel. I am so blessed to have her.

Thank you. You have been so kind. I have no issues with my dad. He supported me a lot when I needed him. It is just that my parents view it as 'tough love' thing, and they wanted me to repent before it is too late. They tried everything, before it got there. My mom said nothing was going to change my ways, unless something massive breaks my heart, and I have to admit that she was right. I do not agree with her ways. She is tough, but that's fine. I've forgiven my mom. For more than 7 years, I was not talking to her, and that gave the devil a foothold in my life.

God bless,

 

[Andyindauk]

Thank you for you kindness, but sorry to break it to you. Nobody is that sweet actually. We all have insecurities and things that trigger us.

Kitty, there are some that come to terms with and accept a difficult situation, others say no, I want better. You have a lovely sweet little one, a good career, a guy who loves you dearly but better than all three of those put together, you have a faith and a relationship with a mighty all powerful God who loves you dearly.

Insecurities? No, they have no place in your life. God loves you x

 

[joestue]

When men give me compliments all the time, I honestly think that they are just trying to get me.

This can easily trigger me. I may flirt, or even break some boundaries.

The only thing that works for my wife is prophetic guidance.

Human compliments don't help.

Her mom and sister have been treating her like a toddler for most of her life, trying to help her manage her emotions rather than confront the root of the problems. This went on so long she didn't know how damaging it was, and had to relearn how to have an adult relationship with everyone.

worse, her mom is on various spectrums as well and expected her daughter to manage her emotions for her. there are words for this.. i think they call it covert insest.

anyhow i'm sure i can go on describing her problems and no doubt you'll find similarities. but, the point is you can recover from all of this but it may be very hard. you may find parts of your brain that have been shut down or malfunctioning since childhood and you don't remember yet why. it can be terrifying.

i think you should tell your boyfriend what works and doesn't work for you when it comes to his human attempts at helping you.
He may not be ready yet to give you prophetic guidance.
i wasn't, initially, 3 years ago. i had to pray for someone else first (spiritual negligence) before i could help my neighbor.

 

[KittyLinda]

Dear brothers and sisters. I pray that the Holy Spirit will fill us with love for each other through Jesus Christ, our Lord. It is not always easy to be patient in relationships, but we both need to remember that God is the center of our relationship, and that he's the one who watches over our future.

I am just dealing with a depression these days. I've always wanted to meet someone who loves Jesus more than I do, and I found him, but I am trying to close a spiritual gap. This is more about me than him.

I believe that the man should be the one leading a relationship. They are equipped better than women to take that role. I am just not sure that I can provide the support he needs from me in this relationship. There are things that make me doubt myself. My boyfriend understands that I have a disorder, and he knows my past, and how this will not be easy. He supports me, but I also know my mental condition better than anyone. He seemed worried about the use of psychedelic drugs. He honestly seemed 'determined' that I should not take them anymore. All those I dated in the past who somehow did not approve of it, ended up just leaving. I can't make promises that I can stop using them completely. This puts me in a state of trying to find the right moment, when he is not around, so I can have them, but then what happens when finds out that I am unable to quit within months, or a year? I do not want to have another heartbreak.

Also, I want to mention that my faith has grown stronger, but we are not at the same spiritual level, which is why I am trying to get there, but this also takes some time, and he has to be patient. From what I've noticed, he seems very frustrated about being around some of my friends. I like to look good, go out with my friends, have a drink, and enjoy some time. I noticed that he is overprotective. I had this impression that he does not like that I have guys friends and I can understand that, but even a Girls night once every two or three weeks puts him on a guard. I do not know, but this has caused harsh feelings among us. He asked me once, if my friends know I am a Christian, and if they like to listen, if I talk about my faith with them. . . etc. So I told him how I usually go about this, and how I want others to notice how having God in my life gives me all this joy and happiness, without causing them to feel like I am persuading them to change their lifestyles. I finally had to tell him how they are just friends, not potential matches. I do not like to speak like that, but it had to stop.

He also seems a bit strict about everything being 'safe.' One day, I invited him for a movie. All of sudden he left the room, and went to the balcony. I notice he seemed unhappy, but I was not sure why. I eventually left to see why he has not returned, and there he told me how this movie is filled with things that God hates, etc. . . He asks me how comes I have not noticed . . . I did not notice anything that seemed that bad actually, but we decided not to watch the rest of it.

Another day, he was at my place to help me move some of the furniture, and there he noticed some of my MMORPG games on the table. He picked 'Dark Souls' and told me how he knows this game is demonic, full of occult things . . . etc. I actually have not gone too far in the game yet, and maybe I should not play it anymore, but this made me wonder, because I play FFXIV online for years now, and I have made friends worldwide and I like the social part of these online games more than actually the games themselves. Lots of these games seem to be centered in witchcraft or pagan lore. I can easily notice that, but it does not effect my relationship with God. In my mind, it's just a game or a movie. I know many Christians who have watched game of thrones. We need to guard our hearts, but not all of us feel convicted to avoid such things right away.

God bless,

 

[Andyindauk]

Hi Kitty,

Ooh dear, a bump in the road?

With regards to the drugs which are prescribed by your GP, if they're doing what they're designed to do, where's the problem? I'm not saying there isn't one - all drugs have side effects and downsides that may, or may not outweigh the benefits they bring. Maybe this is a conversation you need to have with your GP, with or without your bf - but please, please do not go cold turkey, the consequences are likely to do more harm than good

I found the rest of your post quite disturbing, from what you've written it seems he loves not so much you, rather what he can change you into. That's controlling behaviour, not scriptural, because that's the job of the Holy Spirit rather than your bf. Yes together you can explore the will of God in both of your lives but he should not be giving to you a list thou shalts and thou shalt nots. Long time ago God gave us a list of rules and regulations called commandments but sadly, they didn't work, we couldn't keep them. So instead He sent His Son to die to save us from our sins and then gave us the Holy Spirit to make us more pure, more holy and more Christlike. We follow God's will, not for fear of consequence but more for love of Him.

Your boyfriend needs to have a really good long think about whether he loves you or rather what he wants to mold you into. The latter isn't going to work; there'll be a constant battle of wills.

Read Ephesians 5:25-33 together and discuss and apply. I know you're not married but it's an absolutely amazing template to base any romantic relationship on. Follow it and you will both blossom, stray and the relationship will hit the rocks sooner or later.

Neither of you need to wear a habit, carry rosary beads or chant. There's no rules and regulations other than to love each other, we follow Christ and we try to delight and please God because we love Him and seek His pleasure.