Dear Galahad,
I'll be moving this thread to the Counseling forum, which from what I have read of your postings (minus the last one), seem more appropriate.
You are seeking answers to problems, that fall into the domain of God, by seeking the thoughts of men, who are normally in no better shape then you are on their own, and sinners just the same as you.
Thoughts might be different in each of us at one time, but still before Christ and at times even afterwards, the thoughts we have are not for those who are squeamish I dare say, yet we continue to live without thinking that making them a reality will somehow make it all better. If you are truly seeking something that is missing within you, then seek Jesus, in who you will find the God that you're probably not even sure exists.
Until then, follow the laws of man, that provide an imperfect way of dealing with the thoughts that you are having that are self-destructive. For one thing I can tell you is, that God does not want this for you, and is why Jesus died on the Cross, and Rose again, as the only way to be reconciled with God. Who can guide you in the way you should, and for your betterment need to walk in this precious life you've been given.
Read some of the testimonials (bios) of the members who have joined this site, or even do searches for those in Christ Jesus who have become His disciples, and what they have to say on the "Who, What, When, & How" of the change that happened to them in their lives. I would say, from "darkness to light", from as one believer said on why they were so happy when it was known they were dying from cancer: "Why shouldn't I be! I'm going from one world that is dying to one that is alive and eternal".
I hope that you find what you are looking for. I can only point you to Jesus, who as Scripture/Jesus says "I am the way, the truth, and the life."
With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Moderator
Nick
\o/