@hopefulson -- I hope your very last sentence was a mispeak on your part. "here is what happened to me after years and years of crucifying myself relentlessly. I broke down and simply and sincerely asked God for give me 'believing' His Word.
Did you really intend to say "....asked God to forgive my 'unbelief' in His Word...."
And then your comment of "years and years of crucifying myself relentlessly".
Sorry to say this -- but you sound like a very unhappy and confused person.
Honestly I'm not quite sure What you're trying to say.