Struggling Marriage and Emotional Abuse

[Giggles4God]

My experience

If you have read my testimony in the Testimony part of the website, you know a good amount of my story.

I am NOT a 'battered and abused wife', BUT am a child of divorced parents. My father is/was very physically abusive. He didn't just use his hands either. He used his feet, throw pillows, yelled, etc. I have story after story of the times that he left a hand print on a arm or leg for at least the rest of the day.

Of the time I heard a noise one night. My brother had punched the door of the bathroom and there was a hole in it. My brother, Jonathan, told me that dad had slammed his head on the tub rim (the tub was an old one standing on feet with a big rim and no shower hook up). In the morning, I saw the big red mark on Jon's forehead. Jon never told the teachers what had really happened. He said he ran into a door. I guess he said that because he didn't want to find out what dad might do.

One other story I'll tell. I believe that my brother got most of the abuse that was physical. Dad got mad at him and grabbed his leg, digging his fingernails into Jon's leg until blood showed. Jon ran out of the house and to a friend's. He called our youth leaders who came and got him. He spent the night there. This next part I will never forget. My dad was taking a bath. My mom called and asked if dad would let her go get Jon. He said no, which I tearfully said to mom. Mom said I love you to me and we were both crying. The next morning, Jon came back.

Not too long after that, we went and lived with our mom after 8 or 9 years of that stuff.


My dad has bipolar (and I do too now). There have been some good times and those are a bit harder to remember because the bad are very vivid.

I am the oldest of all the children. My dad remarried and he and my step mom have four children together. My dad and step mom are no longer married. I don't know all the details of why they divorced, but it was my step mom's choice.

I know divorce is wrong. When the vows say 'until death', marriage should be 'until death'. But I also have to wonder, in those marriage vows it says to 'honor, love, and cherish'. Are abusers honoring, loving, and cherishing their spouse? Just something to think about.

I believe that as the oldest child I wanted to protect my younger siblings from hurt. Even when the youngest girl was 6 she knew that 'Daddy's bad'. So, don't think the children have no idea what is going on. They do.

I think that is all. I just wanted to share a different side.

 

[rizen1]

Thanks for sharing your testimony giggles....

Sister Julia I just want to thank you for your unlifting post. We serve a mighty God, in the midst of our storms he'll never leave us nore forsake us.

 

[Daizy]

Giggles4God,thank you for that.It reminded me i forgot to mention something in my reply.My ex came from a home where his father was very abusive to his mother.For 25 years she lived in a home where she was beat every day.Her 3 sons,including my ex,saw this.Every single day of their lives.She had the courage to leave a few times,but always ended up going back,because she always got word that he was looking for her.And he told her that when he found her he would kill the boys and make her watch.So instead of living a life looking over her shoulder,she decided for the boys sake to stay until they were old enough to defend themselves,which she did.
Not all,but a good many,children who grow up in abusive environments,take on the traits of the abusive parent.In the case of my ex and his brothers,2 out of three.They saw the abuse and also recieved the abuse,but on an emotional level.Experts say that by the age of three,children have developed their personality.Which will of couse turn them into the people they will be for the rest of their lives,unless God intervenes.
As a mother,that was a big part of my decision to leave for good.I knew that my son would grow up seeing this and it would affect him,and that was when i decided to break the chain.His father,and his grandfather may be like this,but if i can stop this behavior for the next generation,i will.So that the woman my son takes to be his wife someday,has a loving husband.
To God be the glory..
No mother

 

[SpiritLedEd]

in those marriage vows it says to 'honor, love, and cherish'. Are abusers honoring, loving, and cherishing their spouse?

I think this is the crux pf this discussion. Regardless of the reasons for their behavior, abusive spouses are not honoring, loving, and cherishing their spouses. Had my wife chosen to dump me while I was drinking, I would have had no defense against that charge because of my history of verbal abuse. A pastor friend of mine puts it succinctly, "Not all marriages are made in heaven."

SLE

 

[Dreamer]

I read all of these posts with great interest. I have to keep in mind that God sees every side of every situation and still has His own will stamped upon our lives, and no earthly person other than the one involved in the pain can really say what to do.

Each person in each situation (abused spouse) has the responsibility to go to God for direction, wisdom, and solace every single day.

I know that I was just as close to God when married to my first husband as I am now to my 2nd husband. Yet God allowed me, even encouraged me to leave my 1st husband after being married to him 17 years. He had sexually abused our preschool daughter while I was on a trip to Child Evangelism Fellowship training. Then he would not admit to it when our little girl shut down with a nervous breakdown (4 years old, she did not speak for 5 weeks and regressed in speech afterward) .

He continued with a sex addiction, pornography addiction, drug use, and verbal/emotional abuse. Three separate times he tackled me and choked me on the floor. One of the times my little daughter was standing there watching.

The Lord told me one Sunday after church (whilst he was behind my back tearing me apart with words while I chopped vegetables,) the Lord said, "Get out tomorrow with the kids and nothing but the clothes on your back."

And I did it. God blessed me with a good job and new friends. I struggled though, because of my church upbringing, I kept feeling that I should go back, because for a long time he would not divorce me, though he was sleeping with someone else.

One morning after I took my daughter to school, I lay face down on my apartment floor crying out to God, full of guilt, asking my Father if I should go back and give it one more try. He gave me a vision of a tree; large, full of branches with green leaves growing in every direction. I saw the tree from far away and then close up in all directions, as if seeing it from the eye of a camera. The Holy Spirit said, "Marriage is like a tree. A real marriage grows and bears life in many directions. Is your marriage like a live tree?"

I admitted that it was like a dead tree, killed at the roots and rotted down to a 2 foot stump.

The Holy Spirit said nothing more, yet I felt a comfort coming over me, as if He didn't want me to torment myself over the issue any more. After that, I still struggled in many ways, but I did not struggle over going back to my husband.

The Lord also showed me a scripture which said, "The Lord hates divorce and cruel men." In this verse, divorce and cruel men are put on equal terms of hatred by God. He does not hate divorce more than cruel men, or any other sin for that matter.

Many Christians act as if divorce is the unforgivable sin, as if one were mocking the Holy Spirit by going through a divorce, or even having someone divorce us. (My husband eventually divorced me.)

I do not believe that divorce is the unforgivable sin.

Yet I do know that God is in charge of a believer's choices at all times, or at least He should be.

I am now in an abusive re-marriage for the last 5 years. In many ways, this marriage has more love in it than the other and has some normality to it at times. There is a cycle of anger where he is nice for awhile and then becomes rageful. At times, we seem on equal ground and I seem to be his helpmeet. He holds in anger from his work (people there who treat him unfairly) and let's the anger out only at home.

God says stay.

I have stayed, sometimes joyfully with hope and faith in my heart. Other times I have just obeyed simply because HE IS GOD and I don't want to disobey Him.

This could mean many things, of which I am only human, so I try to figure it out in my own mind WHY God wants me to stay and what He is going to do...trying to do...will do...with this marriage and our family.

I pray daily for my husband and my children. I also pray daily for my own sanity, if the truth were to be told. Yet I can say with a firm "yes" that I am in God's will. And I was in God's will when I left the father of my now 16 year old daughter.

Each situation is different. And God does not judge each situation the same. If you look in the Word, you can see how He seems to mete out punishment, direction, mercy in His own ways in each individual's life. "Why did He do it that way?" I ask. Because He sees the whole picture and deep into the hearts of those involved and has everything in the future perfectly planned. He plans retribution for those who abuse, I really believe that too.

I must not hold retribution in my heart for my present husband (married last 5 years.) It is not my place. I am to respect and honor him, which I can only do by God's grace. I fail, but am having more power come into my life recently in which to love my husband unconditionally.

God spoke to me 3 weeks ago about my husband while I was singing a praise song in the choir. It both scared me, and at the same time assured me that God is on His throne and judges the situation as unfair against me. It let me know that my cries to Him had not gone unheard; that He'd been there every time and heard every word uttered and every tear I cried.

It let me know in a powerful way that my Father had been trying and trying to deal with my husband's heart and that he was proud and would not let go. It let me know that I was to pray for my husband with full fervency and the divine direction of the Holy Spirit.

God will not leave me, nor you, if you are reading this and He is Lord of your life.

Do not forget to always ask Him.

I have received unconditional love, support, godly advice and wisdom of the Word from fellow moderators here and I do not know what I would have done without them. I still consult with them and they are praying for me!

Yet God is right here with me in my heart. He uses my friends words to pierce me and direct me, but God must come first (What He thinks and does is His will for my life.)

Please know if you are in a situation like this (abusive) that God sees and knows and will direct you to do whatever you are supposed to do. He cares! His concern goes way beyond the number of hairs on your head.

Sorry this was so long, but all this was on my heart and for some reason I was to share these things.

Note: I disagree with only ONE notion stated in some of these posts here; that we invite abuse by high expectations of marriage. That is incorrect. Show me that in the Word.

 

[wordzspitta]

Prayer changes things and it is up to us to stand in the Gap for our loved ones. If someone is abusive they are not being Christ like and they need prayer to overcome the attacks of the enemy. At the same time we need to be with partners that love God and have a desire to grow in the lord so whatever behaviour they are exibiting that is not like the word needs to be addressed

 

[shipwrecksoul]

Reality

Dear Risen,
I read almost half of what you wrote and its almost exactly what I hear pastors preaching behind the pulpit. Empathizing about the problem using scripture but no solution to the need. You see I been married for 30 years to my invincible woman in the Lord. so I will offer my 2 cents on this problem. Response response response. Did you get it? If the couple are believers, truly, it just takes someone taking the time with the husband to show him and help him to get a handle on SELF. Once this is accomplished then the individual can then ask the Lord to help lead him in the relationship with his wife. When it says the husband is the head its like saying the husband must do right for the both of them to succeed! When it says the wife should be submissive to the husband its like saying the wife needs to help her husband do right in the emotional aspect. Do not get me wrong. It is the husbands job to meet the wifes need emotionally spiritually mentally. But most pastors only know how to dictate and not translate to the male members of the church.
Again do not get me wrong I know marraige is not a bed of roses but roses do need to be tended to correctly by the gardener in any case the pastor reaching out to the body of Christ to help them love each other correctly either as brother or sister or husband or wife!

Ps. I came from an unloved environment before being born again and my wife came from abusive foster families before she was born again. So its hard work but even harder when your pastor only tells you that there is a problem and does not walk with you to help you correct that problem!

 

[SpiritLedEd]

people

I disagree with only ONE notion stated in some of these posts here; that we invite abuse by high expectations of marriage. That is incorrect. Show me that in the Word.

Dreamer:

After 42 years of marriage and 72+ years of life I've learned that it is futile to put expectations on a spouse or any other person and when you speak of high expectations for your marriage, you're talking about high expectations for your husband's behavior.

my wife has long exhibited some behaviors that have damaged our relationship. One of them is obssessive hoarding. For years I griped, I complained, I begged her to stop, I even got the house cleaned out (twice), to no avail. I was at my wit's end. Then the messages I'd been hearing at AA meetings began to make sense - a high level of expectations/trust in another person will lead to resentments because no matter how spiritual and noble they may be people will let you down. That's why Scripture tells us to put our trust in God(see Prv 3:5), not in people (see Is 2:22 NIV).

By the way, after much, much prayer and controlling of my temper plus only speaking the messages God gives me for her,my wife is beginning to face her issues - a little fruit is finally beginning to sprout.

SLE

 

[stephen]

My point is that good marriages begin with romance (and romance must continually play a role). But, the foundation of such marriages is agape love, i.e. the decision to love unconditionallly, just as God loves us unconditionally. If husband and wife grow their marriage from the romantic love stage to the agape love stage with God in the center, the marriage will be on a firm foundation and will survive and even prosper through any difficulty. quoted from S.L.Ed

Romance! Now that is a wonderful thing. Sad that today such 'romance' has been lost it would seem to a great degree. Loving 'unconditionally' as S.L.E. mentions is paramount in marriage.

Like can be difficult when you have married the right person.....I hate to imagine what it is like to marry the wrong one.

Moses granted the people the release that divorce offered, because peoples lives were being made miserable........ as today in many cases.

Does God expect a woman to submit to her husband and stay with him if she feels he is hurting her emotionally? Must she tolerate verbal assaults, or for the sake of self-preservation, is she free to leave that situation? Or what about a husband – if his wife berates him, tearing him down constantly, is he free to leave her?

No....Surely not in the first instance, and yes in the second

 

[Dreamer]

Dear Risen,
I read almost half of what you wrote and its almost exactly what I hear pastors preaching behind the pulpit. Empathizing about the problem using scripture but no solution to the need. You see I been married for 30 years to my invincible woman in the Lord. so I will offer my 2 cents on this problem. Response response response. Did you get it? If the couple are believers, truly, it just takes someone taking the time with the husband to show him and help him to get a handle on SELF. Once this is accomplished then the individual can then ask the Lord to help lead him in the relationship with his wife. When it says the husband is the head its like saying the husband must do right for the both of them to succeed! When it says the wife should be submissive to the husband its like saying the wife needs to help her husband do right in the emotional aspect. Do not get me wrong. It is the husbands job to meet the wifes need emotionally spiritually mentally. But most pastors only know how to dictate and not translate to the male members of the church.
Again do not get me wrong I know marraige is not a bed of roses but roses do need to be tended to correctly by the gardener in any case the pastor reaching out to the body of Christ to help them love each other correctly either as brother or sister or husband or wife!

Ps. I came from an unloved environment before being born again and my wife came from abusive foster families before she was born again. So its hard work but even harder when your pastor only tells you that there is a problem and does not walk with you to help you correct that problem!

Shipwrecked soul, you are decisively honest and I believe you know what you are talking about.

I'm not comfortable with people coming into the parents/marriage area and posting...when they've never been married or had children. I'm not a teen and I don't go to the teen threads to post.

It's like me trying to say I'm a seamstress or a boat-builder when I'm neither. I'm a housewife to a pre-schooler and a high-schooler, and I'm one year away from receiving my bachelors in Social Work. I don't pretend to be well-informed about things that I do not know.

I do know one thing; being in an abusive marriage is hard, and a person cannot understand what it is like looking in from the outside.

 

[shipwrecksoul]

Ashes, Yes Ashes

When I was young, a true story, I used to go and grab the burnt logs that were left over after being used for a fire. I would break up the logs so I could take the charcoal off of it and draw pictures on our patio shale stone, this was cool. Then when the charcoal was all used up I used to go back and try to find anything else that might have survived the fire in the ashes that would interest me. I would find nails I would find steel bottle caps. I would find objects that were worth something to me as a kid, these items were of great importance to me, even though the objects were burned beyond recognition. These objects had survived the fire. So you may have a husband or wife who is abusive and maybe through a right choice or even wrong choice of yours you responded to the situation of this fire but remember this if you cannot remember anything else you are loved by God and his name is JESUS. If you in your action want what God wants and your faith is in Jesus the he will give you strength and direction through his Spirit, it’s his strength we must rely on and not ours asking the Lord for guidance. The Lord wants you to be in his ship, leading us in his direction. It’s the Lordship of Jesus. So these trials we go through are for God’s glory molding us into the image of his son, in his likeness. Everyone can agree that most things people go through in this world are ugly and hurtful and sad but Gods desired will is for us to allow him to go through these trials with us and us not going it alone even though the Lord is carrying us as believers, who are born again, anyway!
Ps. I too also have been hurt from people in life who said they cared for me, only for their own agenda, so I know there are people going through hurts out there that I probably never had or have to go through. Each one has his own race to run. But the God of the heavens, Jesus, is there with you with his presence to love you and assure you that you are his and he and he alone wants to give you the direction to walk in his presence by his Spirit! No evil no abuser can stand up against any individual who is surrendered, not a doormat, to the Lordship of Jesus Christ! The Fathers will is all that I want! Dear Lord Jesus lead me in my relationship with my wife and with everyone else that they might see your strength in my life to give you the Glory! This is all I ask. In your name Jesus do I pray!

Ps. Has God shown you anything from your ashes of your life? This is the greatest treasure you will be able to bring to the Lord knowing it was him who gave you the treasure in the first place!

 

[SpiritLedEd]

No evil, no abuser can stand up against any individual who is surrendered, not a doormat, to the Lordship of Jesus Christ!

The battles being discussed in this thread are spiritual battles started by Satan and his angels; to be fought in the heavenlies, not on earth. That's why Scripture never instructs us to go on the offensive against the devil.In fact, Jude 9 says that not even the Archangel Michael dared go after him, but said "The Lord rebuke you!"

Jesus himself didn't attack Satan (see Mt 4:1-11) - He resisted him , but He didn't go after him. Why? Because attacking is playing the game Satan's way. He loves the negative emotions that are stirred up when we try to go on the offensive against him. Anger and hate are his playtoys, even when they're directed at him.

The secret to winning the battles we're talking about lies in resisting the devil (Eph 6:12-13, Jas 4:7, 1 Pet 5:9) and praying that God invades the situation and brings victory. Only He can defeat the devil.

SLE

 

[shipwrecksoul]

Originally Posted by shipwrecksoul
No evil, no abuser can stand up against any individual who is surrendered, not a doormat, to the Lordship of Jesus Christ!

Originally Posted by SpiritLedEd
The battles being discussed in this thread are spiritual battles started by Satan and his angels; to be fought in the heavenlies, not on earth. That's why Scripture never instructs us to go on the offensive against the devil.In fact, Jude 9ays that not even the Archangel Michael dared go after him, but said "The Lord rebuke you!"

shipwrecksoul Quotes the word of God for our offensive
Rom 12:20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
Rom 12:21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

 

[Hope123]

struggling marriage

I really don't agree with some of what is said here.

This post says that people who are hurt in emotionally abusive marriages are hurt because they have ungodly expectations. They expect their spouses to meet their needs instead of God. So if a wife looks to God, the emotional abuse shouldn't hurt her.

There is such a thing that professionals call "inevitable harm". If you engage with an abuser, and you have to if you remain in a relationship with one, unless you emotionally detach, in which case you aren't really in the marriage, then you expose yourself to harm.

You may be rational, secure and rest in God, but if your pet starts to bite you, you hurt. You don't hurt because you expect your pet to be nice to you. In the same way, you can be walking securely in God, but there is a level of openness, intimacy and vulnerability in a marriage. As long as you remain in the relationship, you are a punching bag, simply because you are there. You may say till you are black and blue that you will not tolerate that sort of behavior, but unless you leave, you are there to take it. Even giving limits exposes oneself to danger, as you don't know what the reaction will be. And you have to take that reaction before you set the boundary.

More than suffering wickedness by allowing your spouse to treat you cruelly, you are also allowing your verbally or emotionally abusive spouse to harden his/her heart by giving the opportunity to sin. If you really love God and love your spouse, you would not blame yourself for feeling damaged and not being able to take it because one is not supposed to be able to take it. You would see the way God sees abuse - as unacceptable, as sin, and as something that shouldn't be tolerated because it damages a child of God.

That's not to say that God doesn't challenge us to always look to Him to meet our needs. But to conclude that women who are distressed in their marriage are too dependent on their husbands is a false and misleading statement. Not only that, it adds to their injury by encouraging them to stay in their relationship as if things would change if they looked more to God. It adds to their sense of self-blame and hopelessness which were results of emotional abuse. The truth is nothing can change their spouse if they don't want to change. It is not the abused woman's fault if the marriage is falling apart. It is called the law of sowing and reaping - abusive marriages are supposed to fail.

 

[SpiritLedEd]

If you really love God and love your spouse, you would not blame yourself for feeling damaged and not being able to take it because one is not supposed to be able to take it.

When I was younger, enormous pressure was placed on women to stay in abusive marriages by church doctrine that said divorce is a sin. Anyone who filed for a divorce was labeled a sinner and openly snubbed by most everyone in the church community. Thus, many women stayed in failed marriages for fear that the cure would be worse than the disease. As they saw it, they were doomed no matter what they chose to do.

SLE

 

[Hope123]

My experience is that that is still the view in many places now. The pressure to stay in abusive marriages is still enormous, not because Christians approve of abuse, but because they don't recognize it and think of abuse as the most horrific physical acts of violence by a green-eyed monster who hates his wife. Most abusive men (or women) are not like that - they typically use physical violence only sporadically and use acts of kindness to keep the spouse attached. Their outward display of charm fools outsiders and if an abused woman starts to recognize that she is being abused (something that doesn't happen too often, not even when they end up in hospital), she will have a hard time detaching and finding deliverance. Without support it is extremely difficult to find freedom from a wicked relationship, and that support is unlikely to come from her church family if they hold to the view that divorce is unacceptable, even in cases where her welfare is at stake.

 

[Follower123]

I am searching for answers about staying in an emotionally abusive marriage. i DO NOT have unrealistic expectations of my husband. It is realistic to expect him not to yell and swear in my face, place blame for everything that goes wrong for him, gaslight me, tell me I'm crazy, etc. I am calm and break down periodically due to not knowing what to do about this pain. Yes I have faith. Yes I trust God. I read what was said in the original post and I guess I should suffer until I die. It's what I assumed. BUT absolutely not is abuse a two way street or the victims fault and any way shape or form. I'm good to my husband. I'm polite and nice and calm. I work 7 days a week at his dream business to help lift him up. I'm in prison. He also does the same to my 3 adult children.....has all their lives. I've protected them when I could but he's done irrational things like throwing my teenaged daughter out of the house because he claims she doesn't say hello to him when she walks through the door. They all have anxiety issues and worse now. I sound bitter and like I don't know Jesus but that is actually not true. I'm nothing without God and rely on him to get me through the day.

 

[Jellani]

. I read what was said in the original post and I guess I should suffer until I die.

Hi @Follower123 if i may ask, from the first day he acted like this have you both talk to each other like husband and wife do?

I’m not married yet but i think if a husband and wife have this battles ( because not all marriage is perfect but am sure they all have started a happy one ) i think it is better to talk, one must have the initiative to approach the other, cause might be the husband is struggling from something that the family the family dont know.

But really the first step is to submit this all to God in prayer. Pray for your husband
( for an open heart ) yourself too for healing, forgiveness and your children. Pray for wisdom.

God is our refuge and He is not deaf to hear



Im sorry if you experience all of this, i will be praying for you and your family.

 

[Follower123]

Hi @Follower123 if i may ask, from the first day he acted like this have you both talk to each other like husband and wife do?

I’m not married yet but i think if a husband and wife have this battles ( because not all marriage is perfect but am sure they all have started a happy one ) i think it is better to talk, one must have the initiative to approach the other, cause might be the husband is struggling from something that the family the family dont know.

But really the first step is to submit this all to God in prayer. Pray for your husband
( for an open heart ) yourself too for healing, forgiveness and your children. Pray for wisdom.

God is our refuge and He is not deaf to hear



Im sorry if you experience all of this, i will be praying for you and your family.

Thank you. We are fine and I'm sure I was too dramatic. It's been a very bad few weeks with a lot of stress. The point I wanted to make was abuse is not a two way street as someone mentioned above. I read that as I was hurting and it didn't sit well. Thats all. Yes I've talked to him but confronting him makes him rage so I ignore a lot. I have in the past prayed hard for God to soften his heart. I fell away from that I guess as life pulled me in different twists and turns. I settled on the fact that if divorce was right, God would let me know and I could be free of it. Well I found this post doing a search so I got my answer and that is fine...I'll pray more about it.

 

[Jellani]

Thank you. We are fine and I'm sure I was too dramatic. It's been a very bad few weeks with a lot of stress. The point I wanted to make was abuse is not a two way street as someone mentioned above. I read that as I was hurting and it didn't sit well. Thats all. Yes I've talked to him but confronting him makes him rage so I ignore a lot. I have in the past prayed hard for God to soften his heart. I fell away from that I guess as life pulled me in different twists and turns. I settled on the fact that if divorce was right, God would let me know and I could be free of it. Well I found this post doing a search so I got my answer and that is fine...I'll pray more about it.

Hi @Follower123 i am sorry if in any way my response upset you, i do and sincerely understand what you are going through especially your children, and i do and feel what it feels like.

My prayer for you is not to stop praying and loving your husband. Do not let the enemy steal what the Lord have established in your family.

Someone told me before, if someone hurt you, do not hate that person but the spirit that is inside them.