i'm trying 2 do as suggested -- pray/ spend time w' god & i'm trying 2 read the bible again - something i stopped after this event took place - as doing so made me feel so bad/guilty...i'm trying again as that's the only way i feel i can show i've changed attitude wise, as i'm unable 2 undo the damage that has been done, but i still feel empty & extremely guilty inside even thou i know god is still w' me (by spiritual experiences, his spirit & his continued help w' things like my hlth, family, etc)...i guess u can say i'm in-between churches - partially cuz my autism causes my sensory system 2 easily get overwhelmed (overloaded) in lg groups & the noise, the lights, etc didn't help either & as a result, it/they basically would overpower me...also, they apparently believed in a different god then me, & that the founder (prophet) of the church was talked abt (idolized) even more then jesus christ...they use they're own bibles w' different books added on & have some different beliefs not in r bible...anyway, i eventually learned that that church wasn't rite 4 me, so i left...the pt is, is that i'm currently not a part of a church -- mostly due 2 my autism, but since i live in a small town (a pop of 5,000 yr round), there r very little options & unfortunately, most r either man-made or have different beliefs or just r 2 lg 4 me 2 handle...also, since i left - over a decade ago - i have been unable 2 study the bible w' anyone, mainly cuz i'm uncomfortable in groups w' more than 3 people @ most & w' people in general (it's extremely trying 4 me 2 interact w' anyone socially, esp when i don't have anyone i feel comfortable w', w' me)...i apologize 4 all this xtra info, but i'm trying 2 show y understanding the bible is so hard 4 me & that i have no support - pastors, bishops, priests...i also don't have any christian 'friends' who r able 2 help me study, thou there r some willing 2 talk 2 abt issues like this, but i eventually ruin the connection we have by doing so...in other words, i've destroyed the majority of any relationship i have had (not counting those who died or moved away) inc. my own parents...i realize that that is cuz i can only c shades of gray (or pieces of the puzzle) not black & white (or the whole picture)...so, i'm not trying 2 b ignorent or not understand god or the bible, but it's my limitations that r causing it...that's y i'm seeking ur advice (which i truly do appreciate) & apologize 4 seeming so stuck/strong/unwilling 2 budge/close -minded 2 ur replies -- it's just that i don't know what 2 believe (another limitation)...i do want 2 repeat something thou -- i want u 2 know that i believe as strongly as i do cuz of feeling the micro-chips & the vaxx, not cuz of the articles i've posted (like i said, i don't know what 2 believe)...in other words, the articles seem/seemed 2 only confirm what i felt (i hope i'm making sense as communicating is hard 4 me)...anyway, i hope u understand & know that i really value ur responses...i admit that cuz i grew up in a very negative environment in which i was always the victim, i tended 2 take ur comments as criticism, thou deep down i knew that they weren't, so i apoligize 4 that as well...i'm trying 2 focus on god & the positive stuff, but that's esp difficult, esp when i have autism burn out, which is most of the time, but esp never ending since this event took place 2 yrs ago...fyi, autism burnout is like a sensory overload or when ur sensory system gets overwhelmed, but more & it's usually an overlap of both (like in my case)...that's y i c /take things negatively, so it's not me personally doing that (like i originally thought), but another result of my autism...that's y i took ur replies as such & just kept on abt what i believe 2 b the case...anyway, i just thought u should know the truth abt y i went on & on...on another note, i have a few more ?'s: 1st, do u have any suggestions of who i can get in touch w' 4 these types of questions???how should i try 2 get closer 2 god & 2 get rid of this emptyness & guilt that i feel???where do u think i should begin 2 read the bible (i once was told 2 begin in the new testament w' matthew)???if u have any other suggestions, esp re: how 2 get closer 2 god & get rid of this guilt, i'd love 2 hear it...