Can men and women just be friends? (How do we deal with opposite sex friendships before marriage)?

[Christ4Ever]

I was referring to when it starts out good, then eventually becomes less than glorious to God. In such a case would the friendship/relationship be worth salvaging, or should it be avoided all together?

Scripture says to examine yourself. "Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves!" If you see that this relationship is becoming concerned with things of the world, then with those of God. Then it goes back to "purpose?"

Keeping in mind that there are so many other parameters involved here. If we are talking about a closed environment where nothing else intrudes we can say for the sake of conjecture that it is this or that, but life is not that. The reality is always different than the suggestions we make in analyzing a situation between two people of the opposite sex.

We in truth need to view the relationship to God who is Love. Paul from all accounts never married. Surely he loved and was loved. Yet, the English so limits and interlocks the meaning of this simple/complex a word. Look at the Greek definitions and one can choose how one feels about this other in what we would call friendship and how each in man/woman touches upon each of them. Understanding that one can perceive the friendship in one way, doesn't necessarily mean that the other is of the same mind.

Agape, Phileo, Storge, Eros.

Always, knowing that God sees into our heart and the following scripture is pertinent to the honesty needed in each person.

Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight. 1 John 3:21-22

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
YBIC
Nick
<><

 

[Hekuran]

All good things will be restored and reconciled when Jesus returns to complete his work and make all things new.

Broken friendships can be renewed in this in-between-time, but it is never easy or straightforward.

Do all you can to ensure that you and your ex can find healing from the hurt and disappointment, and later on see what kind of friendship is good for both of you. It may be that a completely clean break is better, or you might find a way to continue a new kind of friendship.

 

[pookiejr]

1 & 2. Yes :wink:

Lol, seems legit.

3. Correct, intimacy / sex is for the honeymoon.

...So, no sister hugs

4. It is easier to be friends as you have not been intimate. Trying being friends with someone you just gave your body too. The good person always gets damaged in intimate relationships outside of marriage.

Oh ok, I get in now (I think) so with that, if you have been intimate (sex, or otherwise) with someone, is it better to avoid them due to the difficulty it may cause?

Also, thanks for the conversation

 

[pookiejr]

Scripture says to examine yourself. "Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves!" If you see that this relationship is becoming concerned with things of the world, then with those of God. Then it goes back to "purpose?"

Keeping in mind that there are so many other parameters involved here. If we are talking about a closed environment where nothing else intrudes we can say for the sake of conjecture that it is this or that, but life is not that. The reality is always different than the suggestions we make in analyzing a situation between two people of the opposite sex.

We in truth need to view the relationship to God who is Love. Paul from all accounts never married. Surely he loved and was loved. Yet, the English so limits and interlocks the meaning of this simple/complex a word. Look at the Greek definitions and one can choose how one feels about this other in what we would call friendship and how each in man/woman touches upon each of them. Understanding that one can perceive the friendship in one way, doesn't necessarily mean that the other is of the same mind.

Agape, Phileo, Storge, Eros.

Always, knowing that God sees into our heart and the following scripture is pertinent to the honesty needed in each person.

Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight. 1 John 3:21-22

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
YBIC
Nick
<><

Cool, so I guess I should be honest with myself and not donkeyume about the intentions of the other person. But with that, is it wrong to ask or want to know the intentions of the other person?

Also, thank you for the conversation.

 

[pookiejr]

All good things will be restored and reconciled when Jesus returns to complete his work and make all things new.

Broken friendships can be renewed in this in-between-time, but it is never easy or straightforward.

Do all you can to ensure that you and your ex can find healing from the hurt and disappointment, and later on see what kind of friendship is good for both of you. It may be that a completely clean break is better, or you might find a way to continue a new kind of friendship.

Thank you for noticing that this conversation was spurred by wanting to understand how to deal with a particular situation; not to say that no one else noticed, just that you used language that seemed to catch my face right off the bat (i.e. you and your, both of you, etc...)

Now when you say ex, do you mean ex boyfriend or ex friend?

Also, thank you for participating

 

[Hekuran]

I meant ex-boyfriend.

It's also possible to have some time apart from each other to let things settle down, then renew your friendship a bit later.

I've done this in the past and it has worked out well

 

[pookiejr]

I meant ex-boyfriend.

It's also possible to have some time apart from each other to let things settle down, then renew your friendship a bit later.

I've done this in the past and it has worked out well

One Problem. He wouldn't say that we were ex's because he won't say that we were dating.
He wants to say the we were "just friends" at the time, while we were intimate enough to at least call it "friends with benefits", since, according to him we were not "dating". But he doesn't want to use that term that either. He seemed to prefer "whatever that was." He talked about wanting me to move on, but still admits that he wants to kiss me. It's confusing.

 

[Hekuran]

Well if he wants to kiss you he can commit to you, date you, romance you, treasure you, adore you, and surrender his whole life for you, can't he?

He is treating someone who is precious cheaply. Give him a reality check.

 

[pookiejr]

Well if he wants to kiss you he can commit to you, date you, romance you, treasure you, adore you, and surrender his whole life for you, can't he?

Agreed, And he was doing that, as well as getting things in order for marriage. Then the fire nation attacked and we have this mess.

He is treating someone who is precious cheaply. Give him a reality check.

That is the issue, I have asked him why do you want me to move on when you said that you felt that I was "perfect" for you; More so, I asked him, "Why did you change your mind?"

He does not believe that it is in him to give me the love and care that he believes that I deserve, and that I would get tired of him not reciprocating what I give him (even though, like I said, he seemed fond enough to marry me in the beginning).
So to give a summary of where he is (last I checked)

He wants me to move on (he has suggested that I find someone else as a way to get over him, several times)

He does not want to end the friendship (although there are several times when I have been like "don't talk to me ever," I'm usually the one starting back to talking to him again. Also, when I mention that I would not like to talk to him if either of us are "talking" to someone {not a good idea to keep taking to someone who could threaten the potential relationship} he is either not sure why I think that that is a good Idea, or says "lets not think about that right now")

He does not think that he can give me the love that I deserve in a relationship (he did literally say this)

He still wants to kiss me

He offers to help when I talk about money, as well as other things (I feel like I am just making conversation and then asks me if I need stuff/offers to help. When I am like no, I'm good , he is like "Don't hesitate to ask, I know what its like to (whatever is pertinent to the conversation)"

At this point, I feel it would be best to be as avoidant a possible, but we go to that same church... and are in the same Sunday school class.

Also, he doesn't want me to leave the church. {The reason I say this is because he seems to have a habit of saying that I can make major decisions without consulting God (i.e. go find someone to date), but when it comes to leaving the church, He seems to try to give me a "Jesus no, because God" and uses the same answer when I tell him that he needs to find a wife.}

I have called him out on this and more and it seems like he really doesn't know what to do. I have blocked his number (again) without telling him (again) since he has been on vacation. I'm not really sure what to expect the next time I see him. We shall see.

 

[Hekuran]

I counted six contradictions in his words and actions. That's not healthy for anybody. From what you have written it seems to me that there are two broad ways of thinking about his behaviour: option 1, he is genuinely conflicted and confused about what he feels and wants; option 2, he is taking advantage of you - refusing to commit, but also unwilling to let you go.

Your idea of avoiding each other sounds wise to me. Could you make an arrangement about it with him? Set a cooling-off time of a couple of months in which you do not pursue or try to develop your friendship. Time might give each of you a better perspective on what you want.

As you are in the same study group you can be friendly to each other, but agree that you don't seek each other out.

Please take this advice as the well-meaning words of a guesser guessing, not an expert. I hope you get to work things out.

 

[pookiejr]

I counted six contradictions in his words and actions. That's not healthy for anybody. From what you have written it seems to me that there are two broad ways of thinking about his behaviour: option 1, he is genuinely conflicted and confused about what he feels and wants; option 2, he is taking advantage of you - refusing to commit, but also unwilling to let you go.

Agreed, it has been confusing. Granted, he has not tried to push intimacy onto me; in fact, in the past year he has admitted to wanting to kiss me in text like once (after going to get a sandwich). So, unless he really really is wanting something more from me, he is pretty content to deal with a girl (woman?) whose answer to romantic requests is either starting with lol (meaning no) or do you feel like dealing with me crying?

Your idea of avoiding each other sounds wise to me. Could you make an arrangement about it with him? Set a cooling-off time of a couple of months in which you do not pursue or try to develop your friendship. Time might give each of you a better perspective on what you want.

I probably could, at this point, I have found that If I say leave me alone don't talk to me; he won't talk to me (I did this with a letter but I cracked before he did)
...
Wait, the time before when we decided were not supposed to talk for two weeks, we barely lasted one (he broke that time).
It seems like we are more likely to not talk to each other out of nowhere than follow through with (lets not talk because reasons) type arrangements.

As you are in the same study group you can be friendly to each other, but agree that you don't seek each other out.

Lol, aww, you mean I can't just angrily ignore him, or tell him to passively ignore me? Rats, lol.

Please take this advice as the well-meaning words of a guesser guessing, not an expert. I hope you get to work things out.

Me too, Other than this situation, he has shown that he, otherwise, would be a good father and husband (or else I wouldn't have been involved in the first place). I still, for whatever reason, am very fond of him. Nonetheless, I want him to find someone (who is awesome in the sight of God) and start walking in the things that everyone else sees in him except for him. I feel like that may work the best in getting me out of the mindset that he is an option.

I want to get married someday and have a family (which would be difficult to do if I kept a relationship with him, even if he only feels weak enough to say he wants to kiss me once a year), and, since he was in an unpleasant marriage, it seems like he is in no rush to do much of anything.

 

[Christ4Ever]

Cool, so I guess I should be honest with myself and not donkeyume about the intentions of the other person. But with that, is it wrong to ask or want to know the intentions of the other person?

Also, thank you for the conversation.

Sometimes the Donkey is the one with the brains. (Numbers 22:21-33)

Of cause you want to know the intentions of the other person. How else will you know that the path you are walking is the same one? Friendship is always something people gravitate to because of the very thing you are talking about. The comfort of like Communication. The belief that you are like minded makes the fellowship a joy.

I've read some of the other conversation you've been having with others here. I'll offer a little saying my wife told my daughter, about a relationship outside of marriage. "Why will he want to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?" My wife's bluntness amazes me sometimes, but the point if you think about it is well made. Just because we are believers doesn't mean that we don't have tendencies that are motivated by something other than by the Christian values we should be seeking to live by. Even though we know that these same values if followed are the ones that keep us out of trouble, we can at times choose to ignore them to our detriment.

So, ask this other what their intentions are. Keeping in mind that you know what your own intentions are. If either one of you don't know. Then it would be better to separate until you both can be on the same page. Knowing that God's will, is ultimately what you both are seeking in both of your lives, be it together or apart.

Much prayer will help in this.

You're welcome on the conversation.

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
YBIC
Nick
<><

 

[pookiejr]

Sometimes the Donkey is the one with the brains. (Numbers 22:21-33)

Lol!

Of cause you want to know the intentions of the other person. How else will you know that the path you are walking is the same one? Friendship is always something people gravitate to because of the very thing you are talking about. The comfort of like Communication. The belief that you are like minded makes the fellowship a joy.

When I ask him "why do you talk to me it usually goes in this order"
I don't know,
(I pry more)
Because we're friends
(I pry more)
Because I'm a nice guy
(I pry more)
You're crazy/its not a big deal.

I've read some of the other conversation you've been having with others here. I'll offer a little saying my wife told my daughter, about a relationship outside of marriage. "Why will he want to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?" My wife's bluntness amazes me sometimes, but the point if you think about it is well made. Just because we are believers doesn't mean that we don't have tendencies that are motivated by something other than by the Christian values we should be seeking to live by. Even though we know that these same values if followed are the ones that keep us out of trouble, we can at times choose to ignore them to our detriment.

Understood, he hasn't received even a dollop sour cream in over a year though. lol. Bluntness does what "sweetie maybe you should stop" doesn't !

So, ask this other what their intentions are. Keeping in mind that you know what your own intentions are. If either one of you don't know. Then it would be better to separate until you both can be on the same page. Knowing that God's will, is ultimately what you both are seeking in both of your lives, be it together or apart.

Much prayer will help in this.

You're welcome on the conversation.

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
YBIC
Nick
<><

So it seems that we should leave each other alone for a minute (understatement) until we figure life out. We shall see.

 

[mollymarie67]

I do think there are circumstances where men and women can be just friends. I served in the military and formed several friendships with males that have lasted over a decade. At one point I literally trusted them with my life. We looked out for each other and became like family. Of course there were those that posed friendships that had ulterior motives, so I'm not saying all men and women can have genuine friendships but there are some.

 

[pookiejr]

I do think there are circumstances where men and women can be just friends. I served in the military and formed several friendships with males that have lasted over a decade. At one point I literally trusted them with my life. We looked out for each other and became like family. Of course there were those that posed friendships that had ulterior motives, so I'm not saying all men and women can have genuine friendships but there are some.

Seems legit, thank you for your response.

 

[Lanolin]

This is in reference to unmarried people.

I have noticed that there are a great number of people who have an understanding of various topics dealing with Christian life and conduct. However, I had a difficult time finding a thread on this subject (I may have overlooked such a thread, if anyone knows of on on this subject please post the link) With this in mind, I need your help in finding out how to navigate Christianity and singleness when is comes to dealing with members of the faith who are of the opposite sex.

To my understanding, opposite sex "friendships" appear to have a high risk of at least one party having feelings for the other. There are polls that suggest that if a man is friends with a woman (in this case, friendship is defined as being willing to hang out with her one on one) then the man is (more likely than not) desiring to pursue a relationship with the woman (both parties being single), due to his admission of attraction to the woman.

I have been in a situation where the relationship started as courtship and eventually devolved in to a necking buddy partnership; yet this person, while no longer interested in a marital relationship, still believes that we can be friends.

With that, what say ye?

Are these relationships a precursor to, or another name for, courtship?

Should these type of relationships be avoided?

Are there type of relationships biblical?

If boundaries were crossed, can that relationship continue?

I havent seen this post but what say I, well who cares what I say what does Jesus say. If he didnt marry you then he didnt have children by you, so, its really up to you if you can handle that and respect his wishes, maybe he doesnt want or ready to be a dad.

If he is a christian it says in corinthians hes actually doing better leaving you unmarried because we know being unmarried leaves a woman free to please the Lord first rather than worry about silly things like toilet seats up or down and what not.

Jesus didnt marry Mary (or Martha for that matter) but remained great friends with both. If you not a christian you may not even begin to understand how you can walk by spirit and not by flesh. But Jesus gives us the grace to do this!!!

 

[Lanolin]

I would say if you arent able to be friends with someone of the opposite sex i.e treat them like a sister or brother you may have issues with lust. Call it what it is, not attraction, its lust to want or covet someone elses body.

When you are a believer God calls us to be vessels of honor and to know how to handle our bodies. If you arent able to do this, then marry. Your body then belongs to your spouse and you have no power over it. Whenever they want you, you have to give in and vice versa. How exhausting that is for people! You will have trouble in the flesh. Its not all cloud nine all the time, can tell you that much..and if you have children thats another aspect to it!!! As eve found out.

It is much easier to please the Lord. When God tells us to love one another, he does not mean go to bed with them. Lol.

 

[pookiejr]

I havent seen this post but what say I, well who cares what I say what does Jesus say. If he didnt marry you then he didnt have children by you, so, its really up to you if you can handle that and respect his wishes, maybe he doesnt want or ready to be a dad.

If he is a christian it says in corinthians hes actually doing better leaving you unmarried because we know being unmarried leaves a woman free to please the Lord first rather than worry about silly things like toilet seats up or down and what not.

Agreed. I believe that he will definitely leave me single for the time being (read further down)

Jesus didnt marry Mary (or Martha for that matter) but remained great friends with both. If you not a christian you may not even begin to understand how you can walk by spirit and not by flesh. But Jesus gives us the grace to do this!!!

Amen

I would say if you arent able to be friends with someone of the opposite sex i.e treat them like a sister or brother you may have issues with lust. Call it what it is, not attraction, its lust to want or covet someone elses body.

I am not gonna lie, that right there was my issue. And because of the guilt that I felt from it, I would suggest marriage (which is honestly how it started, he said he wanted us to get counseling from our pastor for the purpose of preparing us for marriage, and our pastor told him to wait... praise God. :rofl Either way, at this point I would like to talk to him, because I miss him as a believer, I miss when we would talk about the things we learned in class. However (due to me telling him not to talk to talk to him until I am over him, and him being so literally done with me right now) I am sure he would not appreciate me sharing this (again, donkeyuming).

When you are a believer God calls us to be vessels of honor and to know how to handle our bodies.

AEIGHMAYN!!!

you arent able to do this, then marry.

AEIGHMAYN Again!!!

Your body then belongs to your spouse and you have no power over it. Whenever they want you, you have to give in and vice versa. How exhausting that is for people! You will have trouble in the flesh. Its not all cloud nine all the time, can tell you that much..and if you have children thats another aspect to it!!! As eve found out.

I will agree that it has been much easier and lighter to live since giving up on the idea of being in a relationship right now because...

It is much easier to please the Lord.

Sadly, I had forgot about this, I forgot about how much easier it is to please God than anyone else, especially since He gives us everything that we need to follow in Jesus footsteps (who has the mind of God except the spirit of God?) Even with that, lets pretend, for grins and giggles, that God would have me to marry. Guess what? it is STILL more important to please the Lord that my husband! Not to say that I neglect him, of course. But knowing that you have an intimate relationship with Christ and desiring to please God will actually cause you to be a better spouse than doing it in your own power, for me, is one of the many good reasons not to neglect God if I were to live as a married person. That was my problem as well, trying to please man, without God, caused this man to currently feel like he wants nothing to do with me again (I don't blame him because of how I acted in the flesh, but his loss not that I am back in the Spirit)

God tells us to love one another, he does not mean go to bed with them. Lol.

LMFBO! Sadly, (see post about my former sexual perversion) Sex (whether imaginary, implied, or just getting as close to it as I can) was something that I used as a escape. Pity that I forgot how much easier it was to just hang out with God.


Thanks

 

[Lanolin]

Hey no problem sis, something the Lord taught me as well when I struggled with this question in the past.

Its actually great to be friends with each other that is the highest form of 'relationship!' Its actually a lot more honoring than being physically intimate cos lets face it that part is messy, can cause a heap of trouble, and something that you need to shield children from.

It might be that you have find yourself with few male friends for a while, esp single ones but then you dont need to be friends with every tom **** and harry wanting to use you. Or you trying to use them for selfish reasons.

a good friend while hard to find, will last, even can outlast a marriage. Abraham was called a Friend of God.

If its the case that God wants you to marry and be a mother, well be prepared but the thing is God doesnt ask everyone to be married. If you do, you still need to honor your husband and not defile the marriage bed. If you marry an unbeliever you may be in for a lifetime of sorrow or abuse, or even divorce, if they choose not to walk in His way.

In this world theres so much of the devil wanting people to lust after the world rather than hunger for righteousness. When I talk with many people about why their marriage didnt last it actually turns put they fornicated with their spouse before marrying, instead of a foundation of friendship or likemindedness it was based on lust, it seems like the common denominator in almost all cases.

See Eve was at first attracted to the forbidden tree because the fruit LOOKED delicious And she thought it would make her wise. Well..look that got both of them banished from the garden, adam had to work for hard for a living, Eve had to contend with painful childbirth, and doing what her husband wanted all the time and their first child ended up killing his brother!

Notice in Genesis there was no actual marriage or wedding taking place between adam and eve. There was no covenant made. Maybe like many people, it happened after instead of before because they couldnt wait. After Seth was born (to replace Abel) i think thats when the Bible says they called upon the Lord. From Seths line Jesus was born, not Cains.

I think Jesus makes the perfect husband but you need that close spiritual relationship with Him first the kingdom cannot be inherited by flesh and blood. Satan really tries to deceive women especially about the opposite sex.

I encourage you to cultivate your relationship with the Lord first and then everything will be added to you.

There is a book written by a sister who had the similar issues and a great testimony for single women...if can remember it, will post it here, so you can look it up.

 

[Lanolin]

Its called You are a prize to be won! Dont settle for less than God's best by Wendy Griffith.

The way I see it, sometimes its best to be an old maid than an old nag! Most men run away when their wives turn against them or silently endure this chinese torture of having to please a wife who is never happy!