Hi dear,
What am I doing wrong?
I hope that somebody will answer this question for me as I have been lying in bed this morning, thinking about things and just not knowing what I am doing wrong, but knowing that I must be doing something wrong. If you are telling me the truth (and I have no reason to think that you are not) then I must be doing something wrong because it is not working for me in the way that it is working for you.
Let me explain ...
Last week when I found this site, I was suicidal (because of the pain that I have to live with). I was actually on the internet looking for information on how to commit suicide when I came across this site.
I read the Father's love letter and it offered me such hope - which is more than the medical profession can do!! They have said that they can do nothing more for me other than to give me medication to help to control the pain.
I can not tell you which was my favourite line from the Father's love letter because it was all so moving and it really touched my heart. Could this be what I have been looking for all of my life?
I was then advised to follow some instructions and to say a prayer to become a Christian, which is what I did. I suppose that I was expecting something significant to happen then. I don't know what exactly, but perhaps a good 'feeling' inside of me or something like that.
I had had a fear that God would reject me and perhaps he has. All I know is that I feel very hurt, upset and frightened.
Now if the Father's love letter is true - and as it is quoted directly from the Bible, one has got to say that it is - then I must be doing something wrong because the sentiments of this letter is NOT that you will become a Christian and feel awful afterwards!!!!!
So, what am I doing wrong?
I have started to read my Bible (although that is hard) and I have tried to pray (but that is even harder).
If I can't find God, then I am back to where I was last week when I was suicidal. There is no point living with this pain 24/7.
I have spent a lot of the past 24 hours in tears. I feel very hurt because I wasn't expecting to find this all so difficult. I suppose that I was expecting it to make my existence easier rather than harder. Was that wrong of me to think that?
Last night I had so many kind posts saying to keep going and not to give up. My problem I suppose is that I haven't got the energy to have added hassles in my life. I struggle through every day as it is and now I have the added stress of trying to find the right thing to do in being a Christian.
Did I misunderstand what the Father's love letter was saying? Or am I doing something wrong?
I am desperate to have God in my life, like is offered in the Father's love letter.
Please help me to make it work as I have nowhere else to turn.
So sorry to be a nuisance, but I don't know what else to do.
How are you doing today?
Your last post really helped me see what you are struggling with.
Don't feel bad about being a nuisance, be as much of a nuisance as is humanly possible for one to be; we at talkJesus are there for that. So, use us as much as possible. We don't mind.
From what your letter is telling me, I think that you are depressed. Well, don't feel bad about it. It's ok (but you may want to talk to someone in the mental health department in the clinic you attend, especially if you haven't felt yourself in a loooooooooong time!). At times life's circumstances present themselves to us and overwhelm us. I understand. Especially since you mention that you have been struggling with an illness for which the medical
have no answer to.
Why did I say I understand? Because I myself when through a bout of depression last Fall. I had lost my motivation in life, my sleep, the deire to fight.... I felt soooooooo helpless! All that because there was a lot of things that were happening in my life; and it seemed like they presented themselves to my door step all at once. I was in school full-time, but ended up not doing so great _ I end up not taking two of my finals
I was set to graduate College this February, but ended up missing the opportunity.
Besides that, I had had dreams about people dying in my family and looking at my family, I realized that we were in a crisis. But I did not know how to handle that. So, I bottled it up inside along with some other issues that may take me well 30 something pages to write in thier entirety.
I kept on doing stuff (watching too much TV) to numb the pain. And it worked for a while, but it took a toll on my emotions. I still was not feeling alright and kept thinking that I had let God down. I could not sing anymore nor pray.
As this year started, i decided to move forward, but the side effects were still there. My heart was not mended, and though I try reading my bible, it was not the same as when i spend some time seeking God's face.
In late February, I think, i heard a message that lift my spirit up and made me realize that I was in a spiritual warfare, and I needed to step in faith. Thus I started making some changes for the month of March. Though I could not fall asleep at a decent time, i managed to detached myself from the bed as soon as i gain consciousness in the morning. Starting by praising God for his mercy.
Wait! One thing that really helped me before those changes went into effect.
One night before falling asleep, I sat down open my bible and read the letters written by John (all 3 of them) aloud. I told myself that if I could sit in front of a tv set for more than three hours, i surely could do this too. I read them slowly, dwelling on the word and its meaning and application in my life. Then i closed my bible and turned off the light. Sitting on my bed, i decided to have a heart to heart talk with God. I basically unburdened myself and told him everything that was bothering me. Everything was put in the open as I used his word (which I have just read) to remind him of his promises. [one thing I found out, meditating on the word help transition a person for prayer, for the word of God provides you the words needed to express yourself]
Anyway, from that point on i decide to fast TV, and turn that time into a more active seeking after His will, and prayer for many people that have been on my mind, especially members of my family. The plan did not go so smoothly, i felt into the old pattern (at least 3 times) of spending countless time before the TV screen even when there was nothing going on on TV. The thing is I will start the week allright and then maybe two or three days later brake my promise of fasting TV.
As a result i had to go back to God asking for His mercy and starting right again.For the past 2 weeks, I can say thank to God i have been tv free.
There's more coming but I cannot type the whole story now,
Will you bear with me?
I'll type more in a little while, Ok? In the meantime I pray that the blood of Jesus covers you and that his everlasting mercies overrun you.
:girl_hug:
:rainbow: :rose:
